Dirty secret

**hizenberg** · 11-14-2010 08:09 PM

i dont know if i have put this in the right section or not but i have to confess.
i realy hope people can be gentle to me on this one as i have not told a soul until know and i hope my family dont find this(its the internet).
i just want to get this off my chest but i dont want to be judged badly as i judge myself almost everyday for this.i dont know why all of a sudden i want to share this as if my family or ex find out they will never speak to me again and be mad and disgusted at me.
Oneday i had got the 'day off' from my child,i had just given birth to her 2 months previousley and needed a night to myself for sleep.I needed a few things from the shop so i decieded to walk as i needed to start gettin active to loose weight after the birth.Where i lived was semi bush area around but not in the 'sticks', still lots of traffic around.When i look back at it i saw this group of men at the shops staring at me funny but never took it in because i figured they were laughing at what i was wearing or somthing like i was plumpy.
On the walk home (about a 20min walk) the same group of guys drove past starng at me, i got a little creeped out as i think thats weird.so anyway i get to this mainstertch of road to cross over and there they are again, up the road looking at a map in their van,i cross the road and sure enough about 5mins later they drive up the road towards me n turn in to the off street i am walking along.they stop and the guy in the passenger side begins talking and asking for directions,he pulls up his map and it is big so he lifts his arms up n out to show the whole map, he begins to tell me where theyve drivin n so forth,out the corner of my eye i realise whats about to happen.
the driver has snuck out of his door and creeped around behind thevan and grabbed me the guy in the back opens the door for his friend n they push me in.
the worst happens to me and i dont want to say,i fought like a campion though and tried my best to get out. i somehow managed to pull away n run but one of them grabbed me by my hair n pulled me back towards the van.i hit him but that made it worse as he hit me and i nearly passed out by the blow.
all i remember after that is they dumped on the side on the road n drove off like i was a peice of s**t.
i made the worst mistake by never telling a soul, no one knows still to this day.
why wouldnt i tell anyone??? 3 reasons, 1 i was drunk walking alone out just before dark so i asked for it, 2. my ex even believes all women who are raped ask for it and say they deserve it and that no one will ever want them sexualley again ( i was weak ,i admit that , and i felt like i needed him.i didnt want him to look at me in disgust) 3 ,i was touched up by my sicko neighbour at 10 and my family went to the police and made a huge thing of it, i was treated differently from that moment on and still have been to this day.i know they will say i asked for it by being so stupid to be out walking alone esp now i was a mother.
the worst to come out of this is a month or so after it another woman was raped and beaten to a pulp n left a vegtable by 3 guys, i am sure it was them as one of the men looked just like one of the men who did it to me.
i have brought up this as a scenario to my ex 'what if' and he told me in these words, how could you live with yorself its happend again to someonelse and to live with it, n that it changes everything in our relationship.i dont know what he meant by that but im sure its no good.
i dont know how to tell you but i feel numb about this experiance and it hurts like to feel i have this monster of a secret and there is nothing i can do about it.i want my ex in someways to sympasize with me a bit, at least see i didnt ask for it even if i put myself unwittingly into that situation. its not like i was dressed all sexy ,or looking procativley at them.it makes me mad so mad, i just had a child and i didnt even have a chance to have sexual intercourse with my ex after the birth of my child you know??
i dont know i just wanted to fess up to someone n tell my story as its eating me up, i know i must seek professional help n i will but i will never go to the police as its too late and i dont want to see the disapointment and disgust in my familys n my ex's eyes. thanks for listening and please dont think im weak.

**kristalyn_04** · 11-14-2010 08:25 PM

hizenberg, I can almost guarantee you that nobody here would think you are weak. In fact, I'm thinking just the opposite, that you were very strong and brave to have fought back the way you did, and to confide in us. You did not ask for that to happen, and you are in no way to blame. It does not matter how someone is dressed, how they look at someone, or whether they are drunk or not, nobody... NOBODY deserves to be raped or assaulted in any way shape or form. You are not to blame here, and you did not deserve that. And yes, you do need to seek some help. If you cannot confide in your family or friends, then go elsewhere for support. You can't expect to heal from this on your own, you need to let others help you. I'm just glad that you lived through the experience with no permanent physical injuries, and I really hope those guys get caught so this doesn't happen to anyone else. We are here for you, to listen and offer our support. Good for you for speaking out.

**jns** · 11-14-2010 08:36 PM

This was not your fault. You did not create the situation, the three rapists did. Do you carry pepper spray or mace now and know how to use it? Do you naturally pick up rocks and sticks for defense against stray dogs when walking alone? Did you scream loudly then and are you prepared to scream loudly now? Have you taken self defense courses? Martial arts? Learning how to protect yourself can help you heal from your ordeal. I'm sorry this happened.

**Colorado** · 11-14-2010 08:39 PM

God, THESE are the low lifes that need to be taken out and hung by their YOU KNOW WHATS!
I may make some folks mad by saying this, but I am 100% for capital punishment and I would rejoice at the chance to pull the switch or push the button that would deliver the fatal cocktail or high voltage to these sick Bast%&^$&#$! Sorry, but NOTHING PO's me more than someone who will abuse a woman or child.

Hizenberg, listen... YOU did NOTHING wrong to warrant this and you certainly were NOT asking for it! Get that out of your head. You were walking down the street at night... ok, so you had a few...so what? That doesnt make you a willing target or anything.

These dirtbags, are sick individuals who don't deserve to share our oxygen! straight up! God, I am so PO'd just hearing stuff like this - I'd love to catch someone doing/planning anything so screwed up - I'd have no second thoughts of putting a bullet right between their danged eyes; that's is what you do to a sick horse or rabid dog - and this type of human make them look tame! What the heck is this world coming to???? No danged respect for anyone!

**WildChild** · 11-14-2010 09:23 PM

Oh No Dear One, you are not to blame in this. You didn't ask for it. Your ex and you family are very wrong in their beliefs about rape and sexual molestation. Rape is an act of power, control and violence - it isn't really about sex and has nothing to do with your appearance or behavior. The idea that no one will ever want you sexually or to be in a relationship with you is total bunk. I was gang raped in my teens and while it took me some time and work (I too never reported it) I did heal and have had many relationships in which it made no difference at all.

I posted on another thread some observations that in many cases the biggest trauma with inappropriate sexual situations is the response from others. you experience as a child is an example of this. Check with a lawyer for laws where you live but for the most part in the civilized world being raped is not a tool your ex can use against you regarding your child. Only you can decide what steps you want to pursue but it is not too late to report this to the police. There is no physical evidence but as you rightly observed, your information may help catch these sickos before they attack yet another woman. The police will understand why you were reluctant to report this, they deal with this a lot and I'm sure they wish that every woman would report these acts.

Your community should have a victims assistance or rape crisis center that you can contact. You will find trained people, many of whom have be victims themselves who can help you cope with this. I dealt with my situation but never had any reason to believe that the males involved ever did such a thing again. I have a feeling that your situation is different. I don't want to panic you but if this second more violent act was committed by the same men, it may occur to them that you could ID them. They know the part of town you are in. If you had identification on you when you were attacked, they may have your address. You could be in serious danger. Please give this more thought. Talk to the crisis center.

**Colorado** · 11-14-2010 11:03 PM

I wish to formally apologize for my previous post, but nothing makes me more mad than these type of people. Karma is just TOO SLOW for them and they should - ok here I go again, sorry - I'll leave it be. Must be some of my previous military mindset showing it's ugly face again. Sorry

But Hizenberg, don't ever feel you did anything wrong here. Remember you were the victim.
I have many cops in my family and it's amazing how many folks in similar situations always seem the think it may have been something they did to provoke the attack, and that its somehow their fault - DON'T think like that, because it's not.
Please seek some councelling, and if I may say, you made the first big step in talking about it here - now you have to reconcile this with yourself, and to do that you may need some assistance. Nothing wrong with doing that, as everyone at one point in their lives needs the help of another. You deserve a full and happy life, free of guilt or even the slightest thought that anything you had done might have caused this because it didn't.

These are simply sick dogs that need putting down.

**rcoreyus** · 11-14-2010 11:11 PM

It has been said by others, but I'll add that being raped is no way your fault. Being drunk has nothing to do with it - this isn't one of those difficult cases where several drunken people are in a room an no one remembers what happened - this is a case of direct violent rape. It wouldn't have mattered if your were dressed sexy, or walking stark naked. Not your fault in any way whatsoever.

If any decent human being finds a woman walking by the side of the road at night, he will offer to drive her to her home - and of course not bother her if she wants to keep walking.

Did you make a mistake in not telling anyone? Yes - but an absolutely forgivable one. You were raped, traumatised and apparently had a boyfriend who thought it was your fault. It might have changed nothing if you had told the police. I don't think anyone should judge you badly for not reporting this.

I don't know how long ago it was, but maybe you should think about going to the police even now. Some of those men might still be raping women, and you might recognise one in a lineup. You might even want to know when they are caught and sent to prison for a very long time.

I am very sorry this happened to you. I am also very sorry that you have family that you think would judge you badly for this.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-15-2010 06:49 AM

What you can't change: The fact that you were raped. The fact that you chose not to tell anyone for various reasons.

Remember: You did the best you could at the time. AT THAT TIME you did what you needed to do to get through what you were going through. The unthinkable happened, and you survived. Be proud of who you are.

Things you can change: What you choose to do about the rape from this point forward. You can change lives. Do you know how many young women out there have gone through what you went through and are holding the secret deep inside them? Do you know how many of those young girls will commit suicide? Become promiscuous as a result of the rape? Think about it, you can make a difference now even though you couldn't back then.

As for your ex........ honestly, if he's cold hearted enough to believe that all women who are raped "asked" for it, are weak, are dirty and no one will ever want them again.......... then I'm wondering why on Earth you'd want the acceptance of someone so cold and caloused? Truly, if he doesn't think anymore of you than that.........he'd be the first thing I'd get "off my chest". What does it really matter what your ex thinks of you anyway? He's being a narrowminded douche. Don't let his ignorance and narrowmindedness affect you.

**rcoreyus** · 11-15-2010 10:03 AM

BTW: Its NOT a "dirty" secret. You were attacked, not in any way your fault. Its no more "dirty" than if you were mauled by a pack of wild dogs. (the dogs would at least have the excuse of not knowing right from wrong).

**ManINeedACoffee** · 11-15-2010 08:59 PM

What a terrible thing to happen to you...I am so sorry.

I know others have said this already, but I don't think it can be said enough - having a few drinks and taking a walk alone does NOT mean you were asking for this to happen. People who tell you that all women who get raped were "asking for it" don't respect women (and are likely to get punched by me, if I ever run into them) - I don't think you need the acceptance of your ex and his family. He's an ex for a REASON. Perhaps it's not my place to say so, but from what little you've told us about him, a man like that does not need to be in your life.

No woman ASKS for this to happen to her - do NOT blame yourself for this. People have a choice to recognize right from wrong, and people have a choice to control themselves. You are not responsible for the choice that these "men" made. They made the choice to do this to you before they even saw you. You do not need to punish yourself for this - you did nothing wrong. Please remember that. And, as rcoreyus said, this is NOT a dirty secret.

It took a lot of guts for you to come onto this forum and tell us this - you took a risk and asked for help - you should commend yourself for that. I really encourage you to seek professional counseling as well - you need to heal from this, and counseling would be a great way to do so. Take care of YOU so that you can take care of your little one.