painful sex. please, please help!

**jordanh** · 11-16-2010 03:39 AM

so, here's basically how it is.

i'm 22. i lost my virginity at 20. i've had sex with 5 people since that point, all ranging in different sizes (of course).
i've used lube, not used lube, used condoms, fooled around without condoms, etc.
but no matter what. it feels like i'm losing my virginity every time i have sex.

so, i get that if you don't have sex for a long time, esp when you just lost your virginity or whatever, it can close back up. but EVERY time? i understood it with the bf i lost my virginity to, we had sex very few times before the relationship ended. the next boyfriend i had was quite a few months later, and we had sex quite often over a 4 month or so period of time. we used lube, because i tend to get dry pretty quickly (at this point i have not been on birth control steadily at all). even with lube, it hurt every time - but ONLY right at the very beginning. the first penetration it feels HORRIBLE, literally just as bad as when i lost my virginity. then usually right after it gets all the way in, the pain goes away and just kind of aches a little, but i feel zero pleasure from it (esp without any kind of other stimulation). this is bad enough.

now, my first boyfriend was small. second boyfriend was average but a little longer. next one was about the same, but a little thicker and i tore when we had sex.

now i have a new boyfriend. we barely ever have sex (like once a week) because i almost have come to dread it. he is much, much thicker than any of the other boyfriends i've dated (though not longer) and if we have sex in any other position than missionary, i tear pretty badly. then bleed. then it stings when i go to the bathroom and it just ruins the experience for me entirely. i just don't even want to have sex because i know i'm going to be in pain at the beginning of it, and at the end unless i lay perfectly still in missionary and get no pleasure from the intercourse.

i don't know what to do. i want to enjoy sex. i want to enjoy being intimate with him in that way. i don't want to tear. i don't know if i'm wet enough, we've tried lube, but for some reason i just don't think that's going to change the fact that i'm tearing and that it hurts at initial penetration because its been like that since i started having sex.

someone please, do you know whats going on? this is making me seriously depressed and worried.

**LanaBear** · 11-16-2010 09:30 AM

Have you been to the Dr for an exam?

**Colorado** · 11-16-2010 08:34 PM

Are you sure you are getting enough foreplay?
Doing so should help you get wet, let things relax and be more accepting to his bits, and dont forget, once a week is not really enough to keep you comfortable in accepting him into you. It doesnt take long for some women to tighten back up to the point where it becomes painful. No, I'm no expert on what a woman feels or how things work with them, but I have noticed this with my wife (when we were going through some less than frequent times). I've also noted that the more we have sex, the more she is able to enjoy it as she doesnt have to worry about it being too tight, and therefore uncomfortable.

**WildChild** · 11-16-2010 08:38 PM

Do start with an exam you may have a low grade infection of some sort that is causing irritation. If you had used condoms consistantly I would suggest a latex reaction.

If you get a really clean bill of health I'd try Colo's advice and see if you can get super aroused. How do you do with foreplay? Any irritation then?

**jordanh** · 11-17-2010 03:08 PM

this isn't a new thing - i've had several doctors exam and everyone pretty much says i'm not wet enough. but there IS foreplay and i have had sex more frequently than once a week. like i said previously, i had a boyfriend and we had sex VERY frequently AND he was smaller than the boyfriend i have now - not to mention, we had a lot of foreplay and he used a lubricant. also, we generally "played around" with actual penetration WITHOUT a condom. thats usually how we began having sex - foreplay, lubricant, penetration, and when it got to the point of business time he'd put on a condom and finish. even with him, it was painful at the beginning.

maybe i just don't... get aroused like i should? i was just put on a new birth control that should help increase the production of the, you know, wetness or whatever. but honestly i don't think its going to help since its been in every situation i've ever had sex in AND i've used lubricants.

**lizzardb63** · 11-17-2010 03:57 PM

Usually birth control decreases lubrication...and sex drive. Just keep using lubes and have him finger you one finger at a time, then move it to two, it will stretch you out a little before sex and it won't feel so uncomfortable. Just make sure he goes really slow. IN and out and in a little bit futher each time as long as you'er still comfortable.

**jordanh** · 11-18-2010 02:36 PM

it doesn't work that way. i didn't start birth control until 8 months ago and the problem predates that. not to mention he does use his fingers first and he does go in slow and we do use lubrication and it STILL hurts. it's not for lack of trying, i've been trying to figure out how to make it better for two years. i just have no idea how to make it any better and no one seems to think that it's actually a problem. everyone just thinks i'm not wet enough. well if you're using a crapton of lubrication AND going slow and using fingers to widen things up and blahblah and it STILL hurts, then what is there even left for me to do?

just never enjoy sex?

**Bellalla** · 11-18-2010 05:04 PM

I know you said you have already tried going slow using fingers first, but the only thing I can suggest is continuing to do that and very, very, very slowly working your way up.

Never, ever take the next step up until the one finger feels very, very good.
Perhaps you can invest in many different sized dildos and practice slowly moving up from one size to another.
If you're with a man who isn't willing to slowly and lovingly work through this with you, then that's part of the problem as well.

Often pain that isn't related to a medical issue is related to the inability to relax the muscles completely.
It's likely that you will need to learn to be *completely* comfortable with each step of sex before you can have sex pain free.

I know it sucks, it's horrible that you're trying so hard and having no luck. I'm so sorry you're suffering through this.

Good luck

**ItsASecret** · 11-18-2010 05:16 PM

Were you checked out for localized inflammation in the absence of infection? You can be irritated down below without necessarily having an infection, it is basically an immune response based on some pretty upset vaginal cells. The only other thing that could be possible is maybe the lube you are using is just is not agreeing with you so try out a different type.

**WildChild** · 11-18-2010 06:22 PM

Secret has made the point I was going to, you may be sensitve to the lube. I'm MCS and cannot use any with parabens or scent. About 10% of the population is paraben sensitive. Try some with no paraben?

Paraben comes in methylparaben, ethylparaben, propylparaben, isobutylparaben, butylparaben and benzylparaben

Thread: painful sex. please, please help!

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

painful sex. please, please help!

Similar Threads

Painful sex

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions