Thread: But seriously.

Well, it's more complicated. Firstly, under normal circumstances, I am highly aroused by women, not men. When I am out in public, I look at women, not men. Actually, I never ever look at a man in public with some sexual interest, the strange thing that when I am in public, or even with a friend privately at home or somewhere, I never ever have such fantasies and when I imagine that I feel like What? I hate that idea. I absolutely prefer women normally.

I enjoy sex with women. We usually have nice sex with my partner and I enjoy it. The fantasies I have when I am with my gf are heterosexual and we sometimes play some fantasy games etc. My sexual fantasy, fortunately or rather unfortunately, is a broad spectrum of things. If you look at all those porn categories, I am interested in almost all of them, I mean heterosexual fantasies. But, and that's very strange maybe, one of my sexual fantasy, and very strong, is that I am with a man alone. And a part of this fantasy, to make it even more complicated, is that I am a woman. So for example I don't watch gay porn, I find it a bit disgusting, although it's just my feeling, not my rational opinion of it, and I prefer watching a woman having sex with a man for that gay fantasy.

I like the idea that I am a woman having sex with a man. But such a fantasy only occurs when I am alone and horny watching that porn, or maybe at a swimming pool in a dressing room, never ever in public looking at dressed men. The thing is that when I am not horny, like usually at work, in the street etc, I just find this thing absurd and crazy and not part of my life and I want to get rid of it. But when I am at home, horny, alone, this fantasy is strong. But this fantasy is never about having a relationship with a man.

I always dream about and fall in love with women and suffer a lot when a serious relationship has to end. I suffered like that about ten years ago after a year- long relationship where I was crazy about this woman and later a few years later after another year-long relationship and again I loved that woman very much. Then I had about seven-year long relationship but that was very complicated all the time and fell apart in the end and I didn't regret that so much.

I didn't read what I posted here about half a year ago, I thought it didn't help me at all so I posted this thing again yesterday but half a year ago, it was almost the same thing and I got some replies. I got a bit defensive and I don't know why. I got some reasonable replies. The tough one was that my current girlfriend deserves a fully committed man who doesn't have such fantasy and that I should find a woman who allows some sexual freedom and who would allow me to have sex with men while I would allow her to have sex with men or women etc. But I am afraid such a relationship wouldn't work for me, it would be a complete mess and sooner or later there would be problems with jealousy. I am afraid there is no perfect answer to my problem and I have to somehow deal with it.

Do you feel comfortable enough to share this with your gf?

No, I can't share it with any friends or partner. I take it as a kind of handicap that I have to bear throughout my life. I feel it's nobody business. I think it's a completely different matter when a man finds out that he is only attracted to men and not women and has to come out or cant' decide to come out or tries to marry a woman and they are both frustrated. In the US maybe there is a lot of tolerance for all kinds of people except terrorists, so even bisexuals have their rights, websites, lawyers, friends, supporters. But I don't even fit into that category as I suppose a true bisexual is able to fall in love with another man (two men I mean having a relationship) but I can't do that, that gay fantasy is only a part of my sexual fantasy world.

I feel there is a trend in the Western world and that is we should nourish to our needs, we should feel secure, protected, away from troubles, harsh life, we should all be loved and treated kindly etc. I think it is called narcisism. We don't want to accept that we might not be so beautiful, so great, and that we should try to live without the luxury of perfect sexual life, perfect relationship, perfect friends, etc. I think real life is not like that, it is very complicated for everyone. Me or you.

Basically what I have to deal with is some kind of desire. It's impossible to kill it but it is possible to handle it with minimum consequences. Another thing is that we are living in a world where almost everything is possible. I can go to a website, go to the chatroom and I will end up in bed with a stranger, no problem. It is so easy these days, these websites and chatrooms and cell phones and that is all topped by the fact that I am from a big city where all these online arrangements can be realized in a few hours. It's like if you decide to quit smoking but everywhere you go people smoke, they offer cigarettes, then it must be awfully hard to quit.

And the last aspect I want to mention is the terrible moral profile of most people I encounter in my life. My parents cheated on each other, most my male friends have had dozens of one-night stands, even during their relationships, some of my best female friends have several lovers and they say "I need more lovers". My best friend cheated on his wife before she was pregnant and then they had a baby and I think he stopped and fully committed to his beloved family. There is porn everywhere I look, in the streets, movies }not porn really, but its' always about finding the right one, usually for sex), shops, women in summer look like all they want is sex (and if that is right or wrong is another matter) . I think this world we are living in today is crazy. On one hand it seems that sex is the most important thing and if you don't have fun, you are a fool. On the other hand there are still people, including my girlfriend, for whom loyalty is natural, important and required. I feel I am trapped in between these very different worlds. And it is almost impossible to avoid the wrong side of the world, it is everywhere -at least when you live in a supermaterialistic country and its supermaterialistic capital. It may be very different in New Hampshire, of course.

So for me, it's basically: resist the temptation, don't complicate things, don't cause trouble.

Maybe you should try it once and see how you feel afterwards. A lot of people fantasize about things a lot more off beat than what you're talking about and then when they actually try it out, discover it was best left to fantasy. Perhaps you can find a guy who will go for a mutual massage session. I'm not sure this is all that uncommon a fantasy in men so it may be fairly easy to find someone of a like mind.

Please don't take this as harsh but you are not a special snowflake when it comes to being a person that has desires outside of their committed relationship, whether they are for men or women... a lot of people have fantasies about being with someone else when they are committed. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, to always have someone by your side, to never have to be alone if you don't want to... to have someone in this big mess of a cold world that actually cares about you and thinks you are the center of it. But its also a sacrafice, its saying (unless you have an open relationship) that you will be faithful in the face of temptation. That the love you have and feel is worth more than an orgasm with a stranger.

It sounds like you almost feel entited to act on your fantasies because they are of men, and since you are with a woman... its only fair that you get to feel a man before you "die" and not lose your woman in the process. I have to tell you... its not much different than if a man had an overweight wife and thought it be fair he get to have sex with a thin woman before he 'dies', or a redhead, or a girl with double d's... or whatever thing he has fantasized about but never got to experience.

Its best to experience all the things like that if you want to PRIOR to commiting, or to back off a relationshp once you realize there are things you want to do with others. Yeah, thats the scary part for most people -- which is why they'd rather lie and cheat and get to come home to their cosy nest. It feels rediculous to them that having sex 1 time with someone else is worth losing what they love most... but the selfishness comes in know that and acting on it anyway and keeping it secret... the whole cake and eat it too scenerio.

If you feel incomplete as a person because you haven't acted on your fantasies, no one would say you are not entitled to attempt to live them, but I don't think are entitled to random one-off's behind your significant others back just because you are too afraid to lose her. It just isn't fair. There may be fantasies SHE is stifling because she respects and loves you so much. Why should she sit locked in a box , faithful to you... if you are out indulging your whims? Chances are she may only want you.. and hearing you want to experience others could cause her to want to leave. But I think being forthright PRIOR to cheating and giving your spouse a heads up that you may want to seperate, or take a break to 'find yourself' is the only fair thing to do.

Some people spend their lives trying to taste every flavor of ice cream the whole world has to offer, never turning down an opportunity... and that makes them happier than having ONE person that loves them, having a bunch of random people to sleep with and not having to make excuses for it is worth the lonliness that accompanies it. Then you have people that want to taste every flavor of ice cream , but also want to have that one favorite flavor in the icebox forever.. and feel thats the way it should be. It would be fine if we were really talking about ice cream. But we're not. We're talking about a human being, with feelings and hopes and dreams and a heart and a mind. And in an ideal situation it should be up to her if she wants to 'sit on ice' while you sample or to go and be someone elses desert.

Let her go. Be single, act on your fantasies and SEE how it makes you feel. One of two things will happen: you'll love it and want more male encounters, you'll not love it and then you'll be rid of the fantasy and can move on with your life.

To me, those are your only options. Anything you do otherwise that involves staying with your girlfriend and not letting her know the REAL you, is unfair, deceitful, and just.......wrong to do. K?

So be selfless and selfish all at the same time. Let this gal go (being selfless) even though you care for her because you KNOW you're not being fair to her. Act on your desires (being selfish) to see if this is something you truly want in your life.