please advise

**reshmi** · 11-19-2010 09:03 AM

My husband and myself have been having sex for the past one year. During this time I never experienced an orgasm.I want him to enjoy sex for which I take the initiative in doing things which he likes.Our sex usually lasts 5 mins.He starts fondling me for about a min or so after he is fully aroused and immediately penetrates me and finishes off with his orgasm.

My problem is that I do not feel anything during this time.I have read that most women does not attain orgasm by just penetration. Is that why I am lacking orgasm or any arousal.Through my friends, I learned that most of them attain orgasm or feel good when their partners finger them and most of the time their partners see to it that they are aroused and feel good. But my husband has never fingered me or touched my clitoris in this past one year. he is a cleanliness freak and i guess he doesn't want any fluids on his hand.

Also he is not bothered that i am not aroused.He watches porn movies and masturbates often which make me feel that may be I am not satisfying him.I have tried talking to him about this matter but he replied that it is due to my lack of sexual desire that i don't feel anything and that it does not effect him and does not matter to him that i am like this.He says that he cannot do anything about the fact that i do not get aroused and that i have to develop it or may be i will learn after sometime.He advised me to watch porn movies but i am not comfortable with the idea.

Please advise what should I do ? Is this happening because as he says really I am lacking of sexual desire.Am I over reacting to the situation? I love him so much and really want to be happy with him while having sex .

**pretzel** · 11-19-2010 09:39 AM

You're definately not overreacting. On the contrary, you husband is underreacting. Sort of laizzes-faire attitude toward what your needs and wants are.

First and foremost, your husband needs to get over his phobia about touching you. If he's that OCD then he needs to see a doctor and get on some meds. There is absolutely nothing unclean or unsafe about touching you where you want to be touched.

Secondly, tell him straight out that it isn't about him all the time. There are numerous threads here where the subject of foreplay, sensitivity of the female anatomy, etc. There is a plethora of great advice within those threads.

Finally, porn is not a substitute for intimacy. He says it's your lack of experience that is causing him to be drawn to other forms of pleasure but no where in anything you wrote where you mention that he has ever taken the time or made the effort to allow you the pleasure of enjoying sex which will in turn allow you to understand more about what pleases you and what he finds pleasurable.

How can one gain experience when one isn't given the chance to experience it in the first place?

**WildChild** · 11-19-2010 10:29 AM

Pretzel has said it well. Forget his pleasure and start focusing on yours. As a newbie to sex (you are) of course you can't be aroused with no foreplay! Porn does not show real sex. They are actors!

**mommies3** · 11-19-2010 10:50 AM

I agree with the above posts. Your husband really needs to pay attention to your needs and wants. It is definately not always suppose to be about his pleasure.

**jns** · 11-19-2010 07:48 PM

With his attitude being as it is, you may have to learn to bring yourself to orgasm.

Fantasize being totally in love with him and he fingering you to the point of ecstasy. Use your hand to do the motions he would do. As you squeeze and rub your clitoral hood, lose yourself in the fantasy, but remember what gives your body the greatest reaction. Vary between that and another motion that gets you aroused, or several. Make sure to have the lighting so it is pleasing as well as the fragrance and music.

When you can get to orgasm by yourself, teach him how to do it. He has probably never seen an actual woman aroused, so he doesn't know how aroused it will make him. To me it is one of greatest things in the world. If he was to figure it out on his own and brought you to your first orgasm, you would probably be madly in love with him.

**caterpillar79** · 11-19-2010 09:28 PM

Originally Posted by reshmi

... But my husband has never fingered me or touched my clitoris in this past one year. he is a cleanliness freak and i guess he doesn't want any fluids on his hand.

Have you specifically asked him about this so you could stop "guessing". Most of the times we "assume" and in most of those cases, we could be wrong. Please lovingly ask him what the deal is about this, as to why he doesn't do it.

Originally Posted by reshmi

Also he is not bothered that i am not aroused.He watches porn movies and masturbates often which make me feel that may be I am not satisfying him.I have tried talking to him about this matter but he replied that it is due to my lack of sexual desire that i don't feel anything and that it does not effect him and does not matter to him that i am like this.

Are you somehow self-conscious during your lovemaking? Have you tried to just be and let go of your inhibitions? The fact that he watches porn/masturbates, and still would like to make love to you is at least within "okay" in my book (but I personally wouldn't settle for that - just me).

I don't understand why he wouldn't work harder to pleasure you. I don't get it, unless he is just really selfish.

Originally Posted by reshmi

He says that he cannot do anything about the fact that i do not get aroused and that i have to develop it or may be i will learn after sometime.He advised me to watch porn movies but i am not comfortable with the idea.

I strongly believe that he could help you achieve the big O. But then take note I said, he could HELP you, so the work doesn't solely rely on him, but to you as well. You need to explore what feels good for you on your own. Watching porn is not really a plausible way to get "there", it could get you somewhat in the mood, but it won't get you there, especially if you do not like the idea.

Originally Posted by reshmi

Please advise what should I do ? Is this happening because as he says really I am lacking of sexual desire.Am I over reacting to the situation? I love him so much and really want to be happy with him while having sex .

I don't think you lack the sexual desire, do you? Please don't say you do just because "he said so". You are not overreacting to the situation. The fact that you got into this forum tells me that you want to address this as this is an integral part of your relationship, and you want it to work for you.

Please read the books on sex that WC advises on the link below... see what works for you:

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...books-sex.html

Good luck.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-19-2010 10:04 PM

Your husband sounds like a very selfish person.... at least sexually. No... you are not going to get aroused with him touching you for a few seconds then humping away for a couple minutes. He needs to touch you, all over your body, to kiss you and hold you and play with your body and tease it, then he needs to stimulate for extended periods of time before entering you...

But it doesn't sound like he is interested in taking the time to make you feel good. I'd strongly suggest exploring your own body yourself, finding the touches that feel good... finding the ways you need to be touched to orgasm so that perhaps you could show him.