Thread: Boyfriend says he isn't in the mood for sex.

Me and my boyfriend have been together since february of this year. Since about a week after we got together we were having sex about 2-4 times a week, up until about a month ago. Since then we have been having sex maybe once a week. Before even if we didn't have sex we were doing other things. But now it's like that part of our relationship is gone. He tells me he isn't in the mood for it anymore. I don't know what to do, i've tried getting him in the mood and it just doesn't work. I've tried talking to him about it and he just blows it off. I don't know how to tell him that it's an important part of our relationship to me.

Any advice is welcome

Communication. That's all. If you have an issue with telling him how you feel, then the problems will continue. Sit him down, and tell him exactly what you stated above. Use "I feel" and "I think" statements, try not to put blame on him. It's something you two need to work on together, and it starts with communication. Ask him what you can do to turn him on and get him in the mood, then perhaps he will be willing to put forth an effort as well. Let us know how it goes.

I have asked him what I can do. Actually just tonight. But he says "nothing"

Originally Posted by Sarahann31190

I have asked him what I can do. Actually just tonight. But he says "nothing"

It has been 9 months being with him, right? Would you give us more info on how he treats you, talks to you, ect... It could be one or two of so many reasons, unless we know more about your relationship, we'll be able to give you more insight. A man does not just 'not want' to have sex, I believe there could be a lot of things untold.

How is your communication? Is he open about how he feels and what he thinks about things/situations, or he is the kind of guy who just pulls away and runs into his cave?

He does have a bit of a hard time communicating with me. Instead of telling me what bothers him he will just wait till it bothers him so much to the point of starting a fight about it. We are with each other almost daily, be it all day or a couple hours a day. Most people have said this is not a good thing and we need to have our own space, but we both miss each other a lot when we aren't with each other (he has said it too not just me). We do have arguments, and to be honest it is mostly him that starts them. I'm not just saying that but it's the way he reacts to situations and starts the fighting. We always end up fixing things though.

Is he on any new medications? Have you guys been fighting lately? Has he been drinking more often? Any drug use that you are aware of? Is he working or going to school? Has anything changed in that dept lately? Is he having any problems with family or friends? Is he resentful of you for any reason?

Men always love to say how women are so emotional when it comes to sex... but the truth is, emotions effect their drive for sex far more than they do women. A man that is feeling down about himself for whatever reason.. might not feel up to being intimate, with a partner at least.

If he has no sexual disfunctions or health problems, he is likely still needing to ejaculate more often than he is having sex with you, so he is probably masturbating... most likely. If thats the case his drive is fine... he just isn't feeling very 'intimate' with you and it could be due to any number of reasons besides the ones I listed above.

Does he know you enjoy sex with him? Does he know you are feeling sexually neglected? Does he expect that you just become celabate? Assuming he wants you to be faithful to him.. him deciding that there will be no more sex is pretty controlling... and heading you down a fast road to unhappiness.

Sex isn't just about the penetration, its about the closeness and bonding that comes from giving and recieving pleasure to and from the one you love. Taking that out of a relationship where it was once a big part... is going to have an impact on how you feel, no doubt.

Is he still affectionate? Does he still hold you and kiss you? Does he still say sweet things and care about your feelings?

no medications, fighting is normal, some disputes but we resolve them. no drugs not much drinking if at all. we both got a second job within the last couple months and he is a full time student but hasn't been focusing on school too much.

he knows I enjoy sex as I'm almost always the one initiating it, not that thats a bad thing in our relationship, he's always said he likes how much I always want to "do it". He knows I would never cheat on him and I know he would never cheat on me.

I love when we actually have the time alone to be able to take the time to make it something special instead of just getting it done and over with. I love the feeling of being close with him and being one with him.

It just makes me feel like it's me, something I may have done, "have I become less attractive to him?". What bothers me the most is he jokes about having sex, and making sexual innuendos , and all I can do is roll my eyes at him because I know he doesn't mean it, and it hurts me knowing he doesn't mean it or actually want to do anything with me.

I hate to sound similar to my friends above, or even redundant, but the lack of interest in sex is obviously a symptom of something else that's going on.
Until you figure out what the underlying issue is, it appears that a lack of sex is going to continue.

As a man, I can tell you, that at times, we need the dots put real close together in order to see a line....meaning that you are going to have to insist on something, like counseling, to get over this hump...or else.

DO NOT allow this to become a "you" issue. Clearly, it's not. It's a HIM issue. The only role that you play at this difficult time is helping him figure out what that is.
This IS NOT about you being less attractive than before or less desirable, or less whatever....You are NONE of those.

Keep chipping away at the stone wall that he has put up for some reason. Strongly suggest counseling and if he refuses, consider taking a break.

This is to second what Seeker posted above.

And if I may add my experience...

When my (then) bf started to be like that of yours, it was a time when he was unsure how he would handle where our relationship goes. He knew it was going on the serious direction, but he was ambivalent. We had a lot of logistical issues (my visa, our jobs since we worked in different states 4 hours away from each other, my legal battles, his "commitment scare", etc.). We had a break and it both gave us time to focus on ourselves and deal with our ghosts. I thought it was over for us, so I tried hard to move on. It took him about 2 months to finally recognize the obvious - he loves me, we are better off being together, and so he manned up, proposed.

What I'm saying is, there is a reason why he is doing that to you and the reason is not directly YOU. You didn't do anything bad. You are still the same attractive, desirable lady he met and loved 7/8 months ago. Believe in yourself. Meanwhile, suggest counseling, a physical exam and or give him space. This is obviously a "HIM" issue.

Definitely needs to get a check-up! ..and if there is no issue there, then as Seeker said; seeks some counseling, but I will add - don't wait too long to do this as the longer he waits, the more it will become ingrained and he will play heck trying to get it back.
They say the more you make love, the more you want to make love - thusly, the less he does, the less likely he is going to want to and it will become the norm. It's a vicious circle.

Also, this is very obviously NOT you... It's something going on with him either mentally or physically.