Thread: New boyfriend and bondage and domination questions.

Originally Posted by sidneyalive

When you're gaged your safe word becomes useless, you have to count on hand signals which may or may not work, his control will get in every aspect of your life, he will work on your self esteem until it's gone, Ooo im no good at advise, i just know what i know..

Not all couples that participate in bdsm sex have an inherantly controlling relationship outside of the bedroom... and not all men that widdle away at their woman's self esteem and attempt to control her practice bdsm. Sure they can go together in some relationships like it sounds like you've experienced... but usually they do not go hand and hand AT ALL.

Couples that are happy and in love and practice bdsm as a kink tend to be very respectful to each other outside of the bedroom... even the ones that have a submissive/dom lifestyle outside of sex practice respect of bounderies and trust.

There is a total difference between someone that has a submissive personality and gets pleasure from serving and someone that is a submissive because they think thats what they are supposed to be or there man will get mad at them... one is a gift given by someone who truly wants to give it and feels love in doing so and the other is based on fear and control.


For the OP, you and your boyfriend should sit down and have a talk when you are not in a sexual way... and discuss your both of your desires and limits... things that you'd be open to and things that you would NOT under any circumstances want. That way you, if you trust him to respect your wishes, you can feel all the excitement but know that you will be safe from the things you have no interest in happening to you.

As far as the enema thing goes? I don't think it would be good for you to practice frequently.. you do not want to develop problems with your bowels so be sure to get the advice of a medical professional before you do that again. I have never had one, would not want one and have no idea if they can be dangerous... but I don't think you want to develop any problem in that arena so its better to be safe and ask a doctor.

Thanks everyone for your responses and genuine concern! I'm a type A personality and hold an executive position in my career. He explained at the beginning that he's not interested in the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle. I think being submissive in the bedroom turns me on so much because I'm exactly the opposite in all other aspects of my life.

Sidney - I appreciate your insights. It sounds like you've gone down the psychological path of total submissive and come back?

I got up the nerve to ask a physician friend of mine about the urine enema. She said urine is sterile as long as he doesn't have any diseases or infections and that the bowel is full of bacteria by design. She did recommend not having vaginal sex after anal, but if I did to douche afterward and not have vaginal sex for a couple of days. (She's been divorced for about 6 months and actually asked me if he had any friends! I was feeling naughty and suggested she might want to join us one night. )

We do have a safe word and a "safe sound" for when I have the ring gag in. It's hard to explain, but I used it once. He brought me to orgasm with what he calls Clover clamps? on my nipples and a riding crop on my clit and labia. When I started coming he removed the clamps. The blood rushed into my nipples, the pain fused with the pleasure and I had rolling contractions for what he said was almost 3 minutes. I can't come close to describing it. Anyway, he continued using the crop on my clit as I came and kept at it as I came back to sanity/reality. It was too much for me and I used the safe sound. He stopped right away.

He showed me a video of a group BDSM scene the other night. He's interested in taking me to a BDSM club if I'm game. He said no one else would have sex with me but that we would be on display together as we acted out a scenario and had sex. I told him I'd think about it, and thinking about it does make me damp. What gets me really hot is thinking about other people fondling me when I'm restrained and we're having sex. I didn't tell him that though.

Sidney, or anyone else - Do you have experience with BDSM clubs? Is there anything I should know? or be aware or cautious of?

I don't have personal experience with BDSM clubs, but have a friend who has. In the cases he has described, there were not problems, everyone was well behaved. He put on a show where he was dominated by his girlfriend in front of a group of people (she "made" him suck a strapon).

Of course I'm sure clubs vary, and it would be good to understand the "house rules" before you go.

As long as you are both enjoying - this is all great. Sounds like you have a safeword and it works. Since it sounds like you both like trying exotic things, it is worth doing a lot of reading (online or some books), to be sure you know what is and isn't safe. There is also a tendency to escalate in BDSM, tending toward harder and harder things - that's fine, but be sure stop when someone is no longer having fun.