New boyfriend and bondage and domination questions.

**HotInSC** · 11-20-2010 02:16 PM

I've been divorced two years and have been seeing a new boyfriend for four months. A combination of turning 30 recently and my new man seem to have rocketed my sex drive into overdrive! I've tried so many things in the past few months I'd never even imagined and loved most of them. Elliot told me when we first started seeing each other that he was into bondage and domination in the bedroom and that I would need to be open to some new experiences if we were going to have a romantic relationship. I thought what the , he's honest and straightforward, and the sex in my marriage was fine, but nothing to write home about. What he proposed sounded a little dangerous and exciting and, to be honest, I got a little wet during that conversation.

I'm hoping some of you have some experience with BDSM and some answers to my questions.

My first question stems from a recent episode in the bedroom. He had me tied face-down on the bed with a ring gag in my mouth. If you don't know, a ring gag is a leather wrapped ring that goes behind your front teeth, keeping your mouth open.

You're able to grunt and make sounds, but not actually speak. E had introduced me to GOOD anal sex a few weeks earlier, which I now LOVE and actually ask for. When he lies on top of me my clit gets enough pressure and stimulation from the mattress combined with the repeated stretching of my and him telling me to "clench" on his out-stroke that I feel like a complete sex machine. The orgasm spreads from my clit to my , then my . It's overwhelming and I'm completely blissed-out afterward.

I highly recommend giving it a try, otherwise I wouldn't go into such detail. Anyway, after the most recent episode, he remained laying on me with his penis inside. As he got soft, he whispered in my ear that he was going to give me a enema! In my blissed-out state I didn't really pay attention to what he was saying, but I sure did understand when I felt my bowels filling with warm liquid. I squirmed around trying to get him off of me, but he pressed my head and lower back into the mattress and told me to stay still. I came as soon as he said that. The nastiest of the act, his audacity and complete control of me put me over the edge. It was a complete mind edit and one of weirdest orgasms I've ever had. I was pissed when he untied and ungagged me and I ran to the bathroom, but had to admit that it was probably the hottest experience of my life.

I'm realizing that I'm rambling, so my question is: Are there any negative health consequences to doing this?

I have other questions, but since this post is so long I'll follow up in the next one.

Thanks! and I love your forum. I didn't know about it until today.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2010 03:55 PM

Didn't need to repost it, and if you did something really bad, we'd tell you

I am sure you will receive a fair amount of answers, however, the first thing that comes to mind is "do you have a safe word" ..?

That being, if you feel that you are being hurt, can't handle something, may feel scared, you both need a word that when it is said, he stops...

CW

**kristalyn_04** · 11-20-2010 04:05 PM

Yes I second what CW said... you def need a safe word (something out of context, like "banana"). There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, as long as you are both enjoying it and the communication stays open.

**ItsASecret** · 11-20-2010 05:53 PM

Are there any negative health consequences to doing this?

Other than spreading bacterial disease causing creatures and HIV not really. If he is clean then there is no need to worry, well actually just the physicality can hurt you so there is that to worry about. Like people have been saying if he gets too rough causing some major pain and you do not like that then get a safe word ready before a trip to the ER happens.

**Bellalla** · 11-20-2010 06:09 PM

Other than the regular sexual health concerns, no there is no significant additional health concerns regarding either anal sex or enemas, unless you have a preexisting rectal issue.
Otherwise, I only have the common sense recommendation of don't put anything that's been in your anus back in your vagina afterward, that can cause infection.

Oh! Yes, definitely have a safety word or signal! Something! This is an absolute must!

**auntie_awesome** · 11-20-2010 06:11 PM

Okay, my husband and I do this kind of thing (NOT the enema thing, the BDSM thing). I am not comfortable by the fact you weren't expecting this to happen and while you enjoyed the power he had over you...you both should have discussed this before hand.

Any kind of domination type act when it comes to sex I feel should always be discussed first. It's not like it takes the fun out of it, you'll never know when it is going to happen if ever...but then you both know where the boundaries for one another are. I'm into it and my husband kind of followed. Anytime I want him to try something or anytime he has an idea we discuss it. Why? Because BDSM can really lead to trust issues, relationship issues, and serious pain and injuries sometimes. I know I know, all sex can lead to these...but being completely dominated makes it worse....especially if you trust the person you are with and they completely violate you by doing something you never thought would happen.

Maybe this sounds silly, I don't know. I think talking, ensuring there is a safe word or leg/hand movement that is akin to a safe word, is necessary for this type of sexual relationship to be healthy. If my husband ever did something to me like what happened to you, I would cry and not trust him at all afterwards. Sex, including the BDSM type, is all about compromise and pleasure for both people. It should never be pleasure for one person alone and the other person just taking it.

If you want to try more things, I would recommend reading literotica on the subject (you can just type that into Google search), and I would recommend looking through online adult stores. You'll understand more about what parts you like, what you are willing to try, and what you aren't.

**rcoreyus** · 11-21-2010 12:46 AM

I'll agree with everyone else - a safeword is a must. You can even have two: "red" for end scene, stop all the games right now, and "yellow" for "I don't want to do that particular thing, but keep playing".

In this case he did say what he was going to do - but you didn't understand. Communication problem - a bad thing in BDSM, and another reason for safe-words.

Safe words are also for the top: There are situations where the bottom is crying or begging to be released, and the top gets weirded out and wants the scene to end. Either person can use a safe-word whenever they want.

As far as physical safety, there are books and discussion groups that specialize more in this and can provide better advice, but what you described doesn't sound dangerous.

A few other cautions:
If someone is tied up, be sure you have scissors or something to get them loose quickly if something goes wrong.

Don't suspend someone in bondage unless you know what you are doing -easy to do bad injuries.

Be really really careful with gags that in any way restrict airflow (ring gags are OK). Breath play can be very dangerous as well - people have died.

Electrical toys (shock devices) available commercially (available at BDSM stores) are safe below the waist, but some are dangerous above - be sure you know what you are doing. Homemade shock toys are dangerous.

Other than those cautions, have fun. Lots of people enjoy BDSM play - just be sure it is something you both are enjoying.

**SidneyAlive** · 11-21-2010 01:21 AM

Yes i have a lot of experience with the BDSM life style, i would like to urge you to be very careful, the things you describe have all happened to me, and much much more, please be careful, you can lose your own self identity in all this, it will carry far beyond the bedroom if you aren't careful..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-21-2010 01:29 AM

There are some wise comments from people in the know going on here....

One I didn't have time to reply to earlier, and that is, it may be very exciting at present but these people do in-deed like control and to that end, it can be in every way of your life, taking away your identity as two people have mentioned, I'm not comfortable either with the fact that he didn't discuss it with you just did it... That's not a loving relationship, that's a using relationship, with a woman who is ready to try anything and safe word may not work, in that instance.

Please discuss the safe word first off and see his reaction to it and see if he agrees, understands and means it...

You could be treading dangerous ground, all be it exciting at first

CW

**SidneyAlive** · 11-21-2010 01:50 AM

When you're gaged your safe word becomes useless, you have to count on hand signals which may or may not work, his control will get in every aspect of your life, he will work on your self esteem until it's gone, Ooo im no good at advise, i just know what i know..