he has made me feel so guilty...

**IvoryBones87** · 11-25-2010 03:11 AM

***i talk about SA (sexual abuse) in this post****
**possibly triggering**

hope this is the right place to put this post and i hope its not breaking any rules. if it is let me know.

i'm 23 and i was taken advantage of by someone (i hate the R word) and now i dont know what to do because it makes me feel like i'm dirty. i used to enjoy masturbation, and still do, as an act, but afterwards or even during, it reminds me of what happened to me. i feel so guilty afterwards. and i hate it. it has really made me hate myself and dread even touching myself....i dont know what the point to this post is really, just had to get it out there i guess. i'm just so frustrated...

**IvoryBones87** · 11-25-2010 04:53 AM

i feel reallly stupid for posting this...sorry for wasting your time..maybe it should go in a blog or something as it wasnt really a question. just my random inner monolouge...

**rayner** · 11-25-2010 05:21 AM

i think you should talk about it

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-25-2010 07:17 AM

I think you shouldn't talk about anything you are not comfortable talking about. I think making a statement like you made, getting that off your chest, recognizing that its not your fault you feel the way you do... but instead his, are all steps to healing. I hope you are seeking counseling, if you can't afford it, you can go to your local rape crisis center. I think it would serve you well to know how not alone you are, how many women have experienced what you have and how many have had to overcome the guilt in association to anything sexual that some develop.

**Little_Man_in_the_Boat** · 11-25-2010 07:28 AM

Hey tis better it came out now than later.

Would should you feel dirty, your clean, and you have your whole life ahead of you.

Your not stupid for posting, I'd want to get it off my chest to.

I should not comment 'cause it might do more harm than good.

**jns** · 11-25-2010 09:08 AM

Originally Posted by IvoryBones87

***i talk about SA (sexual abuse) in this post****
**possibly triggering**

hope this is the right place to put this post and i hope its not breaking any rules. if it is let me know.

i'm 23 and i was taken advantage of by someone (i hate the R word) and now i dont know what to do because it makes me feel like i'm dirty. i used to enjoy masturbation, and still do, as an act, but afterwards or even during, it reminds me of what happened to me. i feel so guilty afterwards. and i hate it. it has really made me hate myself and dread even touching myself....i dont know what the point to this post is really, just had to get it out there i guess. i'm just so frustrated...

I agree with HD that you should seek counseling on this. It was not your fault, even if it was later you realized what happened. Even if your body responded during.

Over time you will separate this incident from your normal life and disassociate it from everything normal as it wasn't related to normal things. When masturbating, try to think of good times before this incident and don't let the bad images intrude as best as you can. Good luck and please seek counseling.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-25-2010 09:34 AM

You know....in your title you say "he has made me feel so guilty". HE made you feel guilty. And the fact you recognize that it was what HE did, not anything that you did, that makes you feel this way, says that you are leaps and bounds ahead of some people who have been in your situation. You know you didn't do anything wrong, you know you were viewed as prey by a predator, and you know it wasn't your fault. Give yourself a pat on the back for the clarity and wisdom you have at age 23.

As for masturbation...don't force yourself into it when you "dread" it. You have thoughts and images in your head that you did not have before the incident. And it's going to take counseling, time, and patience to get past that. So right now, just be patient with yourself.

And yes...getting it off your chest is such a big step. Recognizing you weren't at fault was a big step. And now you can be on your way to healing.

**rcoreyus** · 11-25-2010 10:28 PM

Abuse, assault, rape are NOT your fault. No matter what you did (if anything) they are not your fault. I don't know if discussing it here or seeking therapy would help. There are a lot of reasonable people on this forum who are happy to listen - but I honestly don't know if that is what is best for you.

**tesoro** · 11-25-2010 10:48 PM

Frustration comes from not understanding why....the problem is that there is no reason....these things unfortunately happen to many women. I can say from my own experience that counselling and time are great healers. If you pass on the counselling, it will take much longer to heal, if ever.

Feeling dirty and hating yourself are common emotions after going through what you have BUT they are not healing emotions. You need to go through a grieving process that only you will understand but a therapist can help you come through it a stronger, happier, and self-loving woman. You deserve that.

Don't let this person ruin your future potential for the happiness you deserve. Fight back and go to counselling. Trust me. You will be very grateful that you did. Find a counsellor you are comfortable with. Ask your doctor to recommend a female counsellor and don't divulge all the reasons why you'd like to have one unless you are comfortable doing so. You don't have to say or do anything you don't want to until you feel like it, if ever.

Getting it off your chest is a great first step to recovery.

Good luck.

**IvoryBones87** · 11-26-2010 12:15 AM

i appreiciate what everyone has said and all of your support. it really helps me feel better.
i do see a therapist that i like and who i feel comfortable talking to. i haven't told him about this yet, and i'm sort of embarrassed to. but i will tell him eventually. i just really had to get this off my chest. it's really been bringing me down and tearing me apart.

thank you all for your support ♥