Thread: keeping perspective when a sexual relationship changes

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 10 months. We moved in together fairly quickly (because I moved across the country to start my PhD) and have been living together for about 2 and a half months. We have an excellent relationship - good communication, excellent intellectual and emotional connection, and we used to have great sex reasonably often (4-5 times a week). We're both having difficulties enjoying our new city, in part because I'm always busy and he hasn't really found a community that he's connected with here. It's my first significant relationship since my marriage ended six years ago, so a lot of old emotional 'baggage' has surfaced and we've been working through that relatively well.

My biggest challenge lately is that our sex life has changed significantly in the past 1 1/2 months or so. We've talked about it a lot and understandably, his sex drive is low because he's not really happy or inspired here, doesn't have anyone to really connect with outside of our relationship, and isn't working at the moment. I'm doing my best to accept this, but it is difficult for me at times because I know he watches porn on occasion (by his own admission). Now, I sincerely have no problem with porn (particularly when our sex life is healthy and working for both of us), but I'm finding it challenging given our current situation. Aside from my feelings of sexual frustration (!!!!! I've been watching porn too, but I much prefer to have loving sex with my partner), it bothers me that his limited sexual energy is being spent with porn and not with us making the most of whatever sex drive he has to spare. Also, when I try to initiate sex and he's not in the mood, I end up taking it personally and feeling unattractive (and admittedly, I noticeably withdraw and I think this makes matters worse). To top it off, the few times we have had sex lately have not been satisfying for me because my feelings regarding all of this have been hard to shake (is he doing this because he's feeling attracted to me or is he just bored with his porn? finally we're having sex - i hope it makes me feel connected to him the way I want it to, WHY is he not making more of an effort with foreplay?). It's maddening!

How can I start to let some of this go so I can get into the moment when our sex drives manage to align, and how can I talk about this without making matters worse by making a huge deal out of something that he and I have talked about and both feel will pass when we are in better places personally? In particular, I think I really need feedback on how to not feel rejected and unattractive when he's not in the mood...

I can't help but I do understand how you feel and it is harder to enjoy sex once your self-confidence with that partner has been shaken.

Wow, have you got a lot going on!
A. New City;
B. New PhD program, which is bound to be enormously demanding;
C. New relationship (?) with someone who is also new to this city, and who has self-esteem issues brought on by being out of work!
D. The "porn thing" which, whether you approve of it or not, can be a relationship-killer, since what it really amounts to is "auto-eroticism"
I'm sure you realize your problems are complex, but the first steps can be simple - if you can focus on taking small steps: think about what your issues are, and address them one at a time:
Boyfriend lacks self-esteem because he doesn't have a job: Why not? Dang near anyone in this country that wants to work can work. It might not be your ideal job, but you CAN get a job, and you CAN do a good job of it. It's just a matter of getting out there and not taking "No" for an answer. And not being a quitter.
You're not living with a quitter, are you?
Your sex-drive and his don't align? Ask him if he's willing to give up the porn for a week or so, and see if it doerns't improve drastically>
If he's NOT willing to give it up, or if he says he will, but doens't keep his promise, it might be time for you to re-evaluate this relationship.
There's no reason for you to feel bad about yourself because you're rejected in bed - unless you don't do what you can to fix it.

I do wish you well in your new life; I know what's it's like to live in a new place, and to have to devote all your time to your studies, and to still try to feel like a human being. It's hard, but you CAN do it!
Best regards,
TR

This is the part that is tricky... and where you'd have to meet in the middle if you want more of the energy he has to spare while he is on this lil funk.. be open to sex that doesn't require all the foreplay and huge love-making sessions. If his mood is down, he might not be feeling all that great about himself, maybe feeling like he won't perform the way you deserve so just rubs a quick one out in order to 'release' the built up tension.

You deserve to get treated to all the foreplay you need, and deserve the kind of sex you want from him, with him... but I think if you were open to some quickies, open to pleasuring him sometimes in ways that he can just relax with no pressure... though it might feel like pfft why should i do that when i don't get it?... but the thing is... you want things better and doing tit for tat will just lead to resentment. I think even if you guys are having lil heated sessions, not much foreplay etc... thats better than having NOTHING... while each of you masturbate seperately to porn.

It will at least keep the intimate physical connection going between you guys until things ease their way back into normalcy. I think the reason a lot of guys turn to the masturbation when they have a warm body that wants them.. is not because she is unnatractive, is not because they are bored... its usually because they are feeling lazy, or feeling like they aren't up to the task of woo-ing, making out, worrying about her orgasm, etc... that may feel like added pressure/stress.

As long as he treats you to selfless pleasure when you need it, hopefully you might be able to offer the same to him. And just talk to him, non accusing, non irrational, just simply say how much you miss being close to him... and you know/understand how stressed he is... and that that you don't expect page torn out of a romance novel every time you do it...

But like I said this is where its tricky because you mention above your frustration with lack of foreplay so this might not be the best option for you if it will only cause you to be further resentful.

I'm sure he'd much rather your hands on his body then his own... I'm sure he'd much rather prefer your breasts in his face, where he can touch and kiss them than some image on a monitor... but maybe while he's feeling down he just thinks that if he starts something like that up he's going to have to 'perform'... so maybe just talk to him and reassure him how you want his energy, that you are fine with him needing less than you right now, but that if he's got it in him from time to time... you want that to be used on you.

It's really simple.
You have to stop being selfish for a little while and your problems will go away. Your man feels down. No job, no school, new city, nobody close to be with other than you while you don't even want to help him.
1.) Masturbation for men is a stress release. You should consider it as a good thing because when guys don't even have the willpower for a long time to summon up the necessary amount of energy to do it there is a huge problem. And trust me, you don't want to be the reminder of a problem because some men tend to push away loved ones for a time being when they feel they let them down by not being the man they want them to be.
2.) You know a man needs to have an agenda. Things to accomplish, problems to solve etc. You should give him something to work on, something demanding but not to hard. An evening class of some sort, things to fix around your apartment, new hobby like running, going to the gym, learning a new language. Moreover, you should be supportive and proud about his new goals.
3.) Don't be demanding. Make him feel appreciated. Let sex be pure fun, not something to worry about. Woo him, play with him, tease him, make him be at ease. Men need these things too.
4.) Oh, and don't listen to "you need to communicate" bs. Just talking about a problem won't solve it. It's important, but not everything. You feel unattractive. Image how he must be feeling when he makes the woman he loves sad. Cool, eh?

Originally Posted by demotivator

It's really simple.
You have to stop being selfish for a little while and your problems will go away.... while you don't even want to help him.

I don't think she's being selfish. She just doesn't want to lose that connection with the person she deeply cares about. And where does she say she doesn't want to help him? Perhaps you're putting your own experiences onto her situation.

I'm still trying to work out why the "he" in this problem doesn't have much sex drive because he doesn't have a "community" other than the OP - sex doesn't take a village - it takes two people, both of whom have to give up on the porn and the autoeroticism long enough to please the other.
And no, the OP doesn't need to give up her standards and give up on mutually satisfying sex and focus on her whiney bf.
She might even need to look around a little and see what her other options are.
Sorry if I seem a little more cynical than usual tonight...
- TR

It's only been a month for gosh sakes, I think maybe you may be overreacting a bit. But please stop being afraid to talk about it. You're both adults. TALK ABOUT IT! Don't accept anything less than a frank deep discussion with listening and understanding by both of you. That doesn't mean it'll solve everything, but at least you'll both have more information and a better understanding and can proceed from there. If one of you can't handle that discussion, then that person is not mature enough for a sexual relationship yet.

Hey, please stop knocking porn people. Porn is good, not bad. I think demotivator had a valid point there too. And guys are just as human and emotional, not "whiney", that was totally sexist comment if there ever was one.

'Only a month' when you're used to 4-5 times a week can be a very long time lol.