my boyfriend doesn't want alot of sex

**Sumerain** · 11-28-2010 02:28 PM

So as stated in the title ..my boyfriend doesnt want alot of sex. We have been dating for 6 months ( 3 of which were long distance) , he moved 3000 miles to be with me 3 months ago. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that he loves me very much . Evertyhing outside the bedroom is great , he is very cuddly and romantic, he always does sweet things for me.
with all of my previous relationships love and sex have gone hand in hand , with this one its very frustrating because he has a low sex drive where as mine is high. I could have sex everyday where as he only wants it maybe once every couple of weeks ....I feel bad for getting frustrated over this because sex isn't everything but im always the one to intiate things and sometimes when i do he just pushes me away.. and when we do have sex theres really no foreplay ..not for me anyways . He never touches me " down there" ..basically avoids it like the plague . again with past boyfriends all id have to do is stoke them a bit or give them head and they got the hint " i want some" . but this guy is oblivious ...ive even bluntly sait" i really want you right now " and the responce i get is ..." im right here" . I really need some advice here ..please! is there anyone else out there who has a higher sex drive than there mate ? How do you handle it ? what should i do ?
btw ..no he isn't gay , and yes i do mastrabate.
before i forget ...when we do have sex ..he isnt' able to finish inside me for some reason ....but his hand does him wonders
I have talked to him about these issues and he assures that it has nothing to do with me , but he doesnt understand why i need sex to feel loved and happy .
so i ask ...Am i the one with the problem

sooooo confused, frustrated and hurt

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-28-2010 07:31 PM

Him not wanting sex but once every couple of weeks... his hand being the only way he can orgasm.... all point to maybe the possiblity that he his masturbating way too often to have a normal sexual relationship with you... Have you guys considered this or asked him to hold off so that he could build up more of a desire to be with you? Him practicing a less firm choke hold on his member when he does masturbate , he can retrain his body to orgasm from such a specific stimulus... opening him up to the ability to orgasm from the sensations of a vagina rather than ONLY himself.

I mean it could be stress, self-esteem issues, performance anxiety, any host of reasons why he doesn't want to be intimate often... but him not understanding why you want to experience pleasure with your boyfriend is not fair at all.. him not learning how to touch and kiss your body to bring you pleasure ... is also unfair.

**hppacific** · 11-29-2010 02:02 AM

well my fiance n i have sex pretty much daily but i want it more than he does sometimes. theres zero foreplay and he only goes down on me once a year on my bday. ive asked him countless times why and he just doesnt like it. he had bad experiences in the past and it ruined it for him. so maybe that could have something to do with it? as far as him not being able to get off without his hand i have no idea. maybe hes just pulling out as a pregnancy precaution?? no idea. but i dont think it could hurt anything to talk to him and trust me after 7 years of being with a man who doesnt touch/go down on my lady parts its not gonna change. so either stay with him and deal or walk away. maybe he might open his eyes a little bit more if u did say "i need more so im gonna find it elsewhere"? good luck

**tinycit** · 11-29-2010 04:50 AM

Wow, timely discussion. Read the thread here called, "Sex with Wife - So Many Constraints, So Few Rewards" before you even think about getting married. Now that's scary. If my husband was like his wife, I'd probably be very depressed. It could just as well happen to a woman instead of a man. I'd guess gender has little or nothing to do with it.

On the other hand, another example is that my husband and I also have completely different needs when it comes to the frequency if sex department. Differences in sex drives don't always have to be fatal. Maybe we're unique in the way we handle it, but we don't try to force each other to be in the same mood at the same time or anything like that. We treat satisfying each others needs as separate things. For instance, I like feel a need for sex about once a week, but he feels the need about every other day. (I realize that your situation is different.) I like sex in the evening, but he can only cum in the mornings. Fortunately at least we both agree that we both love oral sex and don't particularly like any other sort of sex. We're also not even close to being prudish though I suppose we're pretty plain vanilla in the kink department when it comes right down to it. In any case he does everything for me that I need when I need it (once a week) and I do everything for him that he needs (every other morning). Despite the seeming disparity in sex drives, neither one of us has any problem with that. In fact, strange as it may seem for me to say without going into details of exactly what is involved, I'd be even happier if he needed it every morning. No, we're not perfect, but we're also not afraid to talk about things, listen, understand and even bend a little. Alas, we also figured out this stuff the hard way together through experience rather than having it all figured out in advance before we got married.

**tinycit** · 11-29-2010 05:54 AM

Wow, never mind what I wrote earlier. The hand thing is certainly totally innocuous and nothing for you to worry about. I could go into detail, but it's irrelevant compared to what I failed to read at the end of your post. He has stated, "I don't understand why you need sex." Is that what he actually said? My God! I'll bet he has no empathy. Maybe he likes to kill cats too. There's a technical name for that sort of mental condition, but I don't recall it. If I were you, I'd RUN away from that man utterly and completely as fast as I could and not look back except to ensure that he's not coming after me.

**evaone** · 11-29-2010 10:34 PM

maybe your bf is afraid that you might get pregnant if you guys constantly do it.

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 12:24 PM

Sounds like my b/f when I was the one moving in with him after a long distance relationship (he's always replied the way your guy did whenever I've said "I want you").

He probably does masturbate a lot, the symptoms show that, and he tells you that sex doesn't matter that much to avoid the pressure. Sex to him seems to be all about intercourse and he doesn't realize how important foreplay is. This is usually the behavior of a man who masturbates to porn a lot, since he can only ejaculate by his hand (if he uses a very tight grip it will take you a few months before he gets used to having sex with a vagina and not his hand) and since he's not interested in foreplay (something never shown in porn, which can give men the idea that it's unnecessary).

Tell him he's either going to pay attention to your sexual needs, or you're going to have to find somebody else who cares for them instead. He won't wake up out of his dreamworld otherwise. Sex is very important in a relationship and unless he changes his attitude towards it you're always going to be sexually frustrated while you're with him.

**Texinator** · 11-30-2010 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

Tell him he's either going to pay attention to your sexual needs, or you're going to have to find somebody else who cares for them instead. He won't wake up out of his dreamworld otherwise. Sex is very important in a relationship and unless he changes his attitude towards it you're always going to be sexually frustrated while you're with him.

This.

I've heard too many of these stories to want to tell anyone anymore to be patient. Because patience isn't going to change a person that would rather get off on their own or not do anything sexual at all than have a healthy sexual relationship with their partner.

Sex isn't the only thing, but it's important enough to where it might be best to move on if he doesn't start teasing and pleasing all the right spots soon enough.

**Jayla2251** · 11-30-2010 03:23 PM

It's a fact that men who masturbate way too much sometimes can't cum inside you. The friction created with a hand is way more than what's created with a vagina. If I was you, I'd tell him you are not happy about your sex life. Seriously 6 months in and he's already doing this, would throw me for a loop too. Ask him to stop masturbating and see if that will help with him being able to cum. Tell him when you say I want you, he needs to react and do something. And if he refuses to try anything get out and find a differant guy.

**Sumerain** · 12-01-2010 07:02 PM

ok so after reading all of these replies to my absent sex life, I have talked to him . turns out his previous girlfriends were all distant who he rarely got to see and that I am the first live with gf he's ever had. ???
anyways ive talked to him about porn and turns out all he's into is the soft stuff....boobs thats it. this is so hard for me to deal with. I love him sooooo much . ive never had a guy who treats me so well before ...other than inside the bedroom. the question is ..how much longer can i deal with it ? i sometimes think that im just not pretty enough for him . do men know that when they turn down sex with us it plays a huge roll on out self esteem.?