my partner has no interst for BJ

**ami** · 12-02-2010 08:53 AM

My girlfriend and I have been together for the past 5 years. We are happy together. I have a concern when it comes to sex. I know my partner loves when I go down on her and I love to do that to her. It turns me on to see her coming. I want her to do the same to me. The problem is that she doesn't have the interest to do it. She has done it a couple of times (us on 69). The result wasn't good at all. She was gagging and cleaning her mouth now and then. I love her but I am afraid this might affect our relationship. Appreciate your advice on this.

Ami

**stressed** · 12-02-2010 09:20 AM

Have you told her that you'd like her to do it more often? Have you asked her if she has a problem with it and why?

You can't reach a conclusion based only on what she's done or hasn't done, you need to have an open conversation about it.

Maybe she's inexperienced and doesn't know what to do, or if you like what she's doing or not. Maybe she doesn't like it at all.

**rcoreyus** · 12-02-2010 09:49 AM

Some women (like my wife) just really hate giving oral. If she really doesn't like it (not her fault), you need to decide how important this is for you. If it is important to you, does she know how you feel?

If she is willing to try, then you should try with a position that gives her complete control of what she is doing so she can control the depth, etc while she learns to do it.

**WildChild** · 12-02-2010 10:11 AM

I find giving a bj in a 69 really difficult and I am fairly proficient at it.
Why not tell her how much it would mean to you and suggest that she doesn't have to take it all in her mouth, deep throat or swallow? She can lick and use her hands to good effect, you can give her some guidence and input as to what feels best for you, Many women are nervous about this because they lack experience or have had a bad expereince.

If she agrees to try, what ever you do, do NOT grap her head and start trying to control the action.

**Allie602** · 12-02-2010 10:39 AM

She might not dislike it yet. The problem is I think anyway, is the negative associations with bj. Any woman who has dated can tell stories about men talk about them on the first few dates before you get to know them. Or some men are so bold as to try to push your head down. Some make it a requirement for a relationship and they don't mind letting a woman know up front. the smell the taste the work to get it right, and if it's not perfect and dealing with the disappointment, begging and sometimes anger. it's crazy out there!

Don't let her have any negative experiences with you, talk about the gagging and what to do to avoid it. Do you know her history? Take it slow and don't show disappointment or frustration or you may turn her off. Tell her how much you love seeing her lips on you and ask if she can just do it for a minute or two at first and work her way up. . Caress her hair gently to show her you are still connected while she isa doing you.

If you don't act disappointed but loving she may become more motivated if it's associated your expressions of how much pleasure she is giving you, physical affection (it's a mistake to lay there not saying anything with your eyes closed that kind of cold). She may increase time before you know it. Let her know its about her. Ask her what she likes and does not like, if she does not want to have cum in her mouth then don't do it and don;t ask her about again and again.

You sound like a good man you are giving to her just for the pleasure of seeing her enjoy, I hope she will see this and try and meet you more than half way.

**Seeker_Advice** · 12-02-2010 11:14 AM

As the old saying goes.....it's always better to give then to receive!

I love her but I am afraid this might affect our relationship. It will only affect your relationship if YOU allow it to do so. And really, what's more important, getting a BJ from the woman who loves you or being loved by the person who loves you?

It sounds to me like you're putting too much emphasis on what you're not receiving compared to what you are receiving. I would psend more time focused on what you are receiving....

If it were me, based on what you've written above, i wouldn't even ask about it for a while. Let it rest! Maybe she'll bring it up again later when she realizes that she hasn't attempted giving one in a while. When that happens, then you can discuss it with her and help her learn about how to make you feel good and specifically what feels good.

A lot of women don't think ti's a BJ unless they put the whole thing in their mouth and down their throat....that's deep throating....and nothing could be further from the truth.

So leave it alone for a while and see what happens.

As WC said, a BJ in the 69 position is pretty challenging. While it's a good position for men to give their partner's oral, the same is not true for women.

**stressed** · 12-02-2010 11:59 AM

Why is a bj difficult in a 69 position if the woman is "on top"? I got confused here... Unless 69 has changed since the last time I tried it, which was quite some time ago.

**WildChild** · 12-02-2010 12:29 PM

I like to focus on what I'm giving or receiving. Kissing, touching or intercourse are shared experiences and I can handle both going on at the same time but giving a bj or even a hj requires a different kind of attention if I don't want to injure my partner. I've never had a full out orgasm from oral but I enjoy it and get enough little waves of pleasure that it really doesn't work to be doing anything but receiving.
To me part of the experience is in being fully present in the moment. I can't do that with the infamous 69.

Ami, why don't you start with expanding what you do for each other? I would recommend the book, One Hour Orgasm, which explains the Venus Butterfly technique for both men and women. This is a hand and sensuality experience. If you can help her feel safe exploring new ways to pleasure each other and understand your own and each other's bodies, she may then feel more open to exploring other avenues. In the mean time do a thread search and read some of the posts about giving oral to a man without actually taking the penis in the mouth. I've written about this and so have some of the other ladies. It can be very effective.

Allie is right that some men are so over the top with this that they scare off or turn off a lot of women.

**ami** · 12-03-2010 09:57 PM

Thank you all for your advice. I am just worried that i am the only one who gives but not getting it. May be I will try to stop for a while giving her BJ and see what happens. What do you guys think?

**tinycit** · 12-04-2010 09:26 AM

I don't think it's ever a good idea to use punishment in place of communication.

Giving oral is fun and enjoyable given the right circumstances and position. We've never found 69 to work. The position can be awkward and it's very difficult to concentrate on receiving at the same time you're giving and vice versa.

If she gags when she gives you oral, then either you're thrusting into her mouth or she's trying to deep throat you, but hasn't yet acquired the skill. Deep throat is much more difficult than it looks. I'd recommend she concentrate her mouth, lips and tongue on the top third of your penis and use her hands on the lower two thirds. Save the deep throat attempts for the occasional "let's try something with the understanding that it's not make or break time, so let's just have fun" times in bed.