I have a crush on my rapist?!?

**dlfmbh** · 12-03-2010 05:26 PM

I am recently sober. While drunk I did and were victim to many bad things. About 7 years ago I worked at a shop. A guy who worked nearby and I would always flirt - he was married, so I thought it was harmless (I realize my first mistake was flirting back with a married man). One night when i was drunk, he forced himself on me. I said no and resisted, but it happened anyway. After fighting for a while, I gave up and stopped fighting. Afterwards - I acted like nothing happened. I saw him everyday, he would still flirt with me. This is where it gets bad... About a month after that happened, I had consentual sex with him. I've hated myself for that for years and feel that by having consentual sex with him it negates what he did to me. To go to the point - I got a new job that I need and love and he works in the same spot. i see him there and one day he left a rose in my car. I find myself looking for him out the window, hoping I see him - basically having a crush on him. I know it is sick and twisted but don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I feel like this? how can I change my thoughts/feelings? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-03-2010 06:07 PM

dlfmbh, welcome to the Forum...

It's not un-common for a victim to have feelings for their rapist... It's a conditioning.. He continued to flirt, persue you and has left a rose... This is altering your thought pattern about him and what he did, your brain doesn't want to remember the rape, rather, the consentual sex and "he's a nice person", it's a better memory for you..

For that reason, you are supressing the bad memory to the back of your mind, whilst acknowledging it...

This man is pure evil, he took from you knowing you were drunk, knowing that no meant no, but he didn't care... He then continued to flirt with you, thinking purely and soley with his , he can get you again, this time, willingly, you must have liked it... And, so he did.. Now, he is aiming at doing that again and don't think for one minute that if you saw a vision in front of you, of that night 7 years ago, and said no again, because of that, that he wouldn't keep going, that he wouldn't rape you again, he will...

This is his twisted mind, not yours...

The rose is to luer...

Your self worth is down that's all.. And, you see your attacker as someone who wants you... You feel a need to change the night, to something nicer to remember, from the same abuser...

Please see someone to help you through this, to help you see him for what he is and for what he did.

NO means NO...

Realise what he is doing, "using" your body for his needs, ...

Your worth more than that aren't you?

Yes, you are. He's a rapist.... He took....

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-03-2010 06:33 PM

By "crushing" on him...even having consensual sex with him, you subconsciously feel you are taking back control because when he raped you, you felt you had no control.

CW is right, there is no good to be had for you in this situation. He's luring you so he can have sex with you again, whether you want to or not. EVERYONE (including you....and him) knows that to take advantage of a girl when she's intoxicated is totally not cool and totally unacceptable. And to make matters worse, you SAID no and he did it anyway.

Counseling for you is crucial at this point. You absolutely must remove yourself from this situation. DO NOT reciprocate anything he does, if he approaches you firmly tell him "Please do not talk to me anymore, do not leave flowers in my car, please stay away from me altogether." If he does not respect your wishes, report him at your HR department. Do not put up with this. Get counseling so you can learn to deal with the mixed up feelings you're having, and stay as far away from him as possible.

As CW said, you ARE worth more than that. Much more.

**dlfmbh** · 12-04-2010 08:35 AM

You both are amazing women!! It would have been very easy for you both to pick on me or trash me - it's not a pretty story. I really appreciate your replys. It reminds me of the truth. I don't have insurance, so can't really seek kelp - but I think maybe calling a hotline or something would be a close match. Thank you for the support!!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-04-2010 09:35 AM

I'd suggest looking for other employment. Even if you like your job it does not seem like where you need to be. #1 he's there and #2 no benefits (insurance). There are jobs out there that can offer you benefits and will get you away from having this reminder thrown in your face every day you have to see him.

People say there are no jobs out there right now....but there are. And almost anything beats the situation you're in. Do this for yourself. Keep your current job, but look and apply for as many other ones that offer benefits as possible. Make a new start for yourself. Your current situation is nothing short of poison for you.

**WildChild** · 12-04-2010 09:48 AM

Its very possible that he doesn't remember it as rape but now sees it as having been an overwhelming passion. I agree that little good can come out of this situation. Finding a place where you just don't have to deal with him is probably best. If that isn't possible, or until it is you may consider taking the tact that what happened between you was wrong (indeed it was but not for the reasons he may think) and he needs to forget you and give his attentions to his wife.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-04-2010 10:21 AM

When I was a freshman in high school I had a crush on one of the cutest guys, for months I admired him too shy to try to get his attention, eventually our circles got intertwined and he started hitting on me and I felt so good. One night me and a friend snuck out to hang out with him and his friend and they took us to their uncles house who works the night shift. We drank... he sexually assaulted me. He didn't speak to me after that night and I avoided him at all costs. I ended up moving and didn't see him again until after i had graduated high school. He came into a place i was working by chance and recognized me and acted excited to see me, like nothing had ever happened. Like we were old friends. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him. We ended up dating a few times and both of us pretending nothing happened. I have no idea why I did that. Why I not only didn't confront him, but actually still found myself attracted to him, despite hating myself for it.

We both were seeing other people and things never panned out with us but it still eats at me the way I handled all that. I guess I have nothing to add here... just wanted you to know that everyone reacts to things like that uniquely. You aren't sick. You are coping. No one can tell you how to cope... but my advise is to steer clear of this guy. If he had it in him to do what he did to you, he isn't a good person. Not when he did it, not now.

**Bellalla** · 12-04-2010 01:05 PM

Oh hun, I really, really feel for you!

None of us have a desire to judge you, and I hope you realize that you are doing nothing wrong and that we have nothing but sympathy for what you are going through.

What you've experienced is not easy and not simple. The feelings involved in rape are so complicated and sometimes your brain has no idea what to do with them. It's okay, there's nothing wrong with you, you've just gone through something INCREDIBLY difficult and you're having a hard time processing it.
Don't feel ashamed.

Good for you for coming here for advice.
I know it takes strength t even talk about something like this, even anonymously.

Can I make a suggestion?
Have you considered talking to a counselor?
There are many anonymous drop in services available in most cities if you're not comfortable making an appointment, or even just a hotline so that you can talk through your feelings with someone in a constructive manner.

I really urge you to find someone to help you work through this so that you can feel comfortable with your own feelings again.

Big hugs, and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Always remember, no matter what you did, no matter how you feel, no matter what anyone thinks, what he did was wrong and you have done nothing wrong. Okay?

Take care.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-04-2010 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by dlfmbh

You both are amazing women!! It would have been very easy for you both to pick on me or trash me - it's not a pretty story. I really appreciate your replys. It reminds me of the truth. I don't have insurance, so can't really seek kelp - but I think maybe calling a hotline or something would be a close match. Thank you for the support!!

Anything is a help, so call that hotline, but also remember, it's good to write and get it all out there into the Universe to get a perspective on it all so there is nothing wrong with using this thread for that, talk more about it, your anonymous, maybe we can just be your sounding board for how your feeling, help you through it

There is some further good advice and simular stories which is amazing that people will share, to assist someone, thanks HD.

We hope you come back and stay with us.

CW

**dlfmbh** · 12-04-2010 07:28 PM

Everyone on here has been so supportive and kind. I'm so grateful for you all. I plan on calling a hotline tonight - I don't know why this never occured to me before. As far as lookking for another job - I really don't want to but I suppose it couldn't hurt to look. My mom and I were talking about it and we were looking at it from the stand point of not letting him ruin anything else for me (ie. leave a job that I love). The frustrasting part is I was doing so well. When I started I bumped into him a few times and realized how to avoid him - and did so for over a month. And then all of the sudden, I started thinking about him. And ignored it, and it continued, and persisted, and festered. And I battled with it and eventually lost when I saw him hanging out the front of my work - and I went outside to have a cigarette (I'm trying to quit - I know) where he was - and he, of course, approached me. And he actually brought it up - in words that I can't recall. It was all such a blur, my hands were shaking to the point that I didn't even try to get the cigarette to my mouth. I knew right away I should say "what do you think happened that night? " but I couldn't utter the words. I pretty much remained silent. I smiled and when he brought that up I said "I hate you" - but with a smile on my face. I smile when I'm uncomfortable. I asked him if he was still married (because I heard rumours his wife came to her senses) and he said "he had to think about it" and then said "yes". I can't remember if that was before or after he asked me if I found a rose in my car. I knew it was him, but I never was 100% sure and hoped it wasn't. I wish so badly I would have said "what are you doing giving flowers to girls when you're married?!?" Anyway, so they key is I avoided him when I made the affort and I have to fight any deluded, twisted urge to not avoid him. Talking to you guys and hearing your reponses reminded me how unsexy it all is. And that I know any moment with someone who would do what he did can bring anything but ugliness and more guilt and shame. And allowing him to let me do that to myself is just ridiculous. And furthermore - now that I am talking about it - it makes me wonder if the plateau I've hit with my boyfriend doesn't contribute to my destructive thoughts. ..