Being left due to sex: How would you feel?

**stressed** · 12-06-2010 02:58 PM

How would you feel if your partner came up to you and told you that she/he is leaving you because s/he is not happy with your sex life and doesn't believe it will ever improve?

Regardless of whether you are happy with your current sex life, what would you think about your partner then? Would you ask for another chance to improve? Would you suggest counseling? Would you think they were too shallow to leave when everything else is fine between you? Would you come to this board to complain about a nasty and emotionless SO?

Honestly.

**Texinator** · 12-06-2010 03:02 PM

On one hand, I'd probably feel humiliated that she doesn't consider me good enough in bed, but on the other, I'd also understand that sexual compatibility can be very important to the health of a relationship.

But that's just me... I like sex and I like pleasing women sexually. I know it would never get to the point where I had no interest in sex and she kept telling me that my lack of interest was bothering her but I just kept shrugging it off like her feelings didn't matter.

**rcoreyus** · 12-06-2010 03:29 PM

I think it depends on how it is presented. If it were "we aren't sexually compatible" rather than "you are terrible in bed", it might be OK. We would both know the truth, but the attempt to soften it would make it more acceptable. It is difficult for me to quite picture this in my case - not because I'm some great lover, but because I am happy to do almost anything my partner wants in bed. In my case if someone left me because of sex it would be because of something intrinsic, not because of my behavior.

If (for example) my wife left me because she wanted someone with a bigger penis, or someone female, or someone large and muscular, or anything else physically that I am not - this would not bother me much. I would know she wasn't happy and that we were not compatible - that we would both be happier with someone else.

If my wife left me because of my behavior in bed I would be more confused. Since I will do whatever she wants it would need to be something that I can't easily control. I think that would also be OK with me.

If my wife left me because I was not willing to do something she wanted in bed - it would need to be some act that I found truly disturbing - in that case I would fell we were both better off with someone else.

I would never think someone was shallow for ending a relationship because of sex - I think it is critically important to a couple's happiness.

The problem is that Stressed's SO doesn't seem to think sex is important, so I don't know how he would react. She doesn't (I think) want him to be something he is not, doesn't want him to have sex with here so that she won't leave. She wants him to passionately desire her - and I don't think he can change that.

In the end though, if one person in a relationship is unhappy, both are.

**stressed** · 12-06-2010 03:43 PM

Thanks for the replies guys. That's the hard part. Having to explain this to someone who doesn't consider it as important as to break up over it. I have tried the "we're just not sexually compatible, it happens, it's neither of us to blame" approach but he doesn't believe that and has denied to break it off over something like that. He always says "it can't be that, it's just me being lazy about it".

I'm very curious to read a reply from a person who doesn't consider sex as important, or someone who doesn't particularly enjoy sex or doing something specific for the other (I've seen a few such posts). Of course, it will be difficult to find such a person in a sex section, but one never knows.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-06-2010 03:50 PM

Honestly, if I had a great relationship with my partner otherwise, if we:

were great friends
had a wonderful time together
had what I thought was a healthy sex life
had an honest faithful relationship
had mutual respect for each other
brought the best out in each other

And he came to me and told me he was leaving me because he wasn't happy with our sex life, I'd be devastated and feel very confused.

But if we didn't have those things I mentioned above, and if both of us regularly exhibited signs of not being compatible and happy with each other, if we lowered each others self esteem, if we were unfaithful, if we had lack of trust, if we did not have an active healthy sex life..... then I'd not be the least surprised and I'd wonder why he hadn't ended it with me sooner for all the other reasons.

**ItsASecret** · 12-06-2010 04:14 PM

How would you feel if your partner came up to you and told you that she/he is leaving you because s/he is not happy with your sex life and doesn't believe it will ever improve?

I would feel crushed. The issues my bf and I have are about me not being some wild girl in the bedroom like he believes a 22 year old should be. He believes at this age I should be off the walls crazy about sex, coming up with crazy positions, getting wasted from time to time just to have crazy sex, be willing to do different things like taking pictures of us or tieing up. Thing is, I do not have some huge need or desire to be like that. I am a modest person by nature, I am not rambunctious, I am not loud and outgoing to the point of expressing all my thoughts and major sex desires, I have no fantasies, and if I like something I say it but I feel no need to have 50 different positions for example. If he brings things up that he would like to try I will do it, but I do not come up with the same types of things if he asks if I want to do stuff. I am a simpleton, but I am willing to be more uninhibited from time to time to be a little different so it is not some no way jose type thing. He says the thing he wishes would improve about me is being more outspoken about the things I want. I understand this because if I ask him what he wants me to do he will say "get on top please so I can hold you", if he asks me I will be like "backrub please". I do not go nuts over one particular thing or the other, no sex position is crazy awesome to me, oral does not give me orgasms so I tend to not bring it up unless he wants to do it, so basically I am okay with everything with the basics as my main focus of pleasure as nothing different gives me any different feeling. He says he wishes I would ask for things like oral more often, but because I am not particularly keen on the feeling I simply do not see it as a major desire or major want. So that is his type of frustration I guess you can say, that I am just "okay with things" and not "omg awesome I love this". That is just my personality, so while I understand why he may be slightly frustration with certain things I would still feel crushed if he said "I'm leaving you because you are not how I wish you were in bed".

**stressed** · 12-06-2010 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by ItsASecret

I would feel crushed. The issues my bf and I have are about me not being some wild girl in the bedroom like he believes a 22 year old should be. He believes at this age I should be off the walls crazy about sex, coming up with crazy positions, getting wasted from time to time just to have crazy sex, be willing to do different things like taking pictures of us or tieing up. Thing is, I do not have some huge need or desire to be like that. I am a modest person by nature, I am not rambunctious, I am not loud and outgoing to the point of expressing all my thoughts and major sex desires, I have no fantasies, and if I like something I say it but I feel no need to have 50 different positions for example. If he brings things up that he would like to try I will do it, but I do not come up with the same types of things if he asks if I want to do stuff. I am a simpleton, but I am willing to be more uninhibited from time to time to be a little different so it is not some no way jose type thing. He says the thing he wishes would improve about me is being more outspoken about the things I want. I understand this because if I ask him what he wants me to do he will say "get on top please so I can hold you", if he asks me I will be like "backrub please". I do not go nuts over one particular thing or the other, no sex position is crazy awesome to me, oral does not give me orgasms so I tend to not bring it up unless he wants to do it, so basically I am okay with everything with the basics as my main focus of pleasure as nothing different gives me any different feeling. He says he wishes I would ask for things like oral more often, but because I am not particularly keen on the feeling I simply do not see it as a major desire or major want. So that is his type of frustration I guess you can say, that I am just "okay with things" and not "omg awesome I love this". That is just my personality, so while I understand why he may be slightly frustration with certain things I would still feel crushed if he said "I'm leaving you because you are not how I wish you were in bed".

So you are hoping he will ease with asking you to do more than what you are willing to do for the sake of keeping the relationship together. Because you'll either keep arguing over the same things, or he will just stop asking for it and find a different outlet.

I'm only asking because I'm interested to know how you approach it, so I can understand this point of view better. Like, what are your expectations when things are like that and you have these issues in the relationship. Do you expect him to understand that it's not as important as he thinks, that he has to accept you as you are, that he's overreacting, that he'll change? I'd really like to know

**ItsASecret** · 12-06-2010 04:43 PM

So you are hoping he will ease with asking you to do more than what you are willing to do for the sake of keeping the relationship together. Because you'll either keep arguing over the same things, or he will just stop asking for it and find a different outlet.

No we do not argue over things, he just brings up on occasion that maybe I should come up with a new position and be more "yay" about it instead of "yeah okay lets do that". I used to the type of girl that would not even entertain the idea of the lights on during sex. Now because of his patience and my willingness to at least give things a try I am much more comfortable with things like sex in the afternoon or taking pictures or him wanting to tie me up type things. He waits for me to be comfortable enough with things but still on occasion asks if I would be up for being more uninhibited.

Like, what are your expectations when things are like that and you have these issues in the relationship. Do you expect him to understand that it's not as important as he thinks, that he has to accept you as you are, that he's overreacting, that he'll change? I'd really like to know

When he brings up wanting me to be more "into sex" I guess you can call it I expect nothing from him except for him to understand that because of my shy personality I am not about to scream or bounce around just because he read about other girls doing it. The thing is because I have taken my time with getting used to sex and taken my time with becoming more comfortable I am open to him bringing up new positions or new acts or whatever, so I am willing to please him because I know that he likes it. I want to give him that pleasure, which is why I ask him to be patient with me incase I stumble upon an uncomfortable time. He is not demanding of anything like other guys may be, he does not say things like "you should be a girl that swallows because so many others do it all the time". Instead he will ask if I would do something like that and my reply would be "I can try but it may take awhile to get used to"-this is something I am still working on, not a favorite thing to do but I am willing to give it a shot. But the same idea remains that no particular thing is of super great awesome importance to me sex wise. I like a lot of things, I enjoy giving and receiving many things, but I am not bouncing off the walls with excitement. That is just my personality, and that same lack of super excitement does apply to my general life so it is not just a limited to the bedroom thing. I do not wish for him to change how he thinks as I am able to agree that maybe I should find something that totally sparks my interest, but as of yet that has not 100% happened (except maybe backrubs, I do love those lol). But no I would not tell him outright or expect that he needs to get over these thoughts just because I am simply not some spunky girl. His asking is what keeps me open to things otherwise I would remain as a "well this works for me so lets just keep it at that" type girl, I do actually want to be a "I am just okay with it" type girl...I want to be more open and uninhibited it just takes more time than maybe a different girl.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-06-2010 05:02 PM

I believe that when someone is shy therefore more inhibited, it's very different than when someone is selfish and doesn't care about the pleasure of their partner.

Most of us gals have gone through at least some point in our sexual lives in which we are shy and more inhibited. With that, there usually comes a point in life in which the orgasmic lightbulb goes off and everything changes for us sexually. We become more aware of our own bodies, more comfortable with the person we're with, and more willing and eager to try new things. Finding someone who will be patient with you in that situation, work with you, respect your boundaries is a great thing....as long as you're open to the possibility of becoming more uninhibited. This is where I see ItsASecret.

Stressed, this is not the way I see your fiance. The way he has rejected you, destroyed your trust, selfishly wanting you to please him while totally ignoring your sexual needs........it's just very different. And I think it's important to acknowledge that you wouldn't be breaking up with him because of "sex", you'd be breaking up with him because of his selfishness, his lack of consideration for you, his disrespect in some of the things he says to you, his lack of desire to see you sexually pleased in any way, the incompatibilities between who you are and what you want versus who he is and what he wants, the lack of effort he's willing to put forth in most any aspect of your relationship, and the fact that you do not trust him because of previous lies and infidelity. Please don't forget this.

You are not who you could be when you're with him, and you're not who you want to be when you're with him. That alone is reason enough to leave without even mentioning all the things above. But all that combined...... sex 5 times a day couldn't fix.

**WildChild** · 12-06-2010 05:10 PM

A good sexual relationship ties into so many things. The man I was crazy about might have thought it was pretty good, he got what he wanted, when he wanted it. When we had intercourse I was always responsive to him and came but it was seldom that he wanted more than a bj and he would make it very plain that he wasn't very happy about it if I tried to initiate and eventually got POd about it.

I cut it off as anything but a freindship. He keeps testing to see if anything has changed - it won't. Not unless I see a big change. It was about connection, affection, all the little things that show attraction and caring. Those were there when we started but vanished, along with kissing and any signs of affection. He shut me out of much of his life, we quit sharing activites and time doing anything but working or me giving him a hj or bj.

The point is that if you are ending a relationship because of sex there is probably a lot more wrong. In all likelihood the connection just isn't there for many things. There will be no passion, no intensity, no sense of urgency in the desire to see them and to connect. As they shut you out sexually, your willingness to show and share these feelings dimishes and are not replaced with a comfortable glow of sustained love and passion but with a kind of emptiness and frustration.