Help! I don't desire sex! I desire anal and blow jobs though :-(

**foxman09** · 12-12-2010 03:00 AM

Alright I've been searching the internet for this and I can't find anybody with this issue. Currently I am involved in a relationship that has gone on 2 years and I love my girlfriend very much but a problem has finally come to a head and she is considering moving on from me. The problem is I plain don't desire vaginal sex. I like it and I tell her and believe it feels the best but I still only desire anal and sometimes blow jobs. I have always been "butt minded" and I can track it back to the time I was 3 years old and nineteen years later I'm no different. Just to give you more of an idea of how sex has been so far off my radar, when I lost my virginity to my previous gf we had been naked together for a whole week and she had given me oral twice. She knew my anal obsession but wasn't going to go there but it NEVER even occurred to me to ask if she wanted to have sex until she asked if I wanted to have sex. I said, "I guess I'll stick it in." How lame and screwed up is that? I have always masturbated to only any anal porn, I have never imagined vaginal sex while thinking about my girlfriend, I have never talked about wanting her vagina or anything. I HATE it and SHE HATES it too. I don't blame her, she always just thought I was into butts but in a sort of "more than usual" way but didn't know until last night that I just don't desire her vagina at all. She's really the only person I have ever had sex with and I even thought at one point maybe it's because I have just never focused on vaginas in masturbation and porn. Honestly I find the vagina to be gross and nothing really special. I know thats wrong in so many ways because I'm a guy and I LOVE WOMEN but I can't go through sex without touching her , doing doggy and looking at her , or asking if we can have anal. I also know that vaginas are much cleaner, much easier to have sex with, and they are MADE to have sex with. Every guy I know can talk for hours about licking vaginas, pounding them, dreaming about them, fingering them, etc. I can't relate, I never have. I can do all those things and I can make my girlfriend orgasm in every which way involving her vagina. She tells me I have no idea what I'm missing and that I'm a waste of talent. She wants to connect that way but we just can't and that kills her. I don't make her have anal sex every day or every week. I limit it to once or twice a month for health reasons and because I just want to try and be normal. But she's always asked why when I come home I don't initiate sex EVER. I just never knew how to tell her I'm not really into sex. Has anyone overcome an issue like this or know anybody with this issue? Is this permanent? What can I do? I've stopped watching porn for a few months but it makes my desire stronger. She thinks I don't want her I just want her . I don't like that she doesn't include her as being a part of her but I understand where she is coming from. She is an amazing woman and I just can't lose her. She is trying to work with me on this but says its something that will drive her nuts knowing every time we make love that I would rather be having anal. She told me to go find someone who prefers the same thing but I don't want anyone else :-(

**SidneyAlive** · 12-12-2010 04:14 AM

im not sure i understand this, you hate her vagina and so does she ?? You think her vagina is gross ?? Thats a new on me, she does give you anal sex but thats all you want ?? What you're saying seems to go back and forth.

NO woman can have only anal sex obviously you aren't thinking about her at all..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-12-2010 04:21 AM

I can track it back to the time I was 3 years old and nineteen years later I'm no different.

Find out what happened to you when you were three years old, or tell us.... It's an anonymous site, because your thread sounds trollish, however, it also sounds that there was incest ....

Welcome to the Forum.

**Seeker_Advice** · 12-12-2010 06:06 AM

Be open, be honest, be sincere. It's the best way to get the advice you seek from the poeple in here. As CW said above, it's an anonymous site.

Welcome, it's a great place to be.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-12-2010 07:17 AM

The mind is a powerful force when it comes to your sexuality. The same concentration you've placed on the anal cavity can be diverted to vaginas. Its just like with sexual attraction. I know girls that have said they were not attracted to a certain type of guy... and then when they were thrust into an enviornment with only that type of guy their basic attraction changed... not out of necessity... just out of what they saw and got to know every single day. You, yourself have said the only porn you've watched is anal... its your focus... its something you've surrounded yourself with and have fetishised.

You will, eventually, lose this woman. Stop and think for a moment if she only would suck your fingers.. never your penis.. if she only let you finger her vagina and rear and never allowed for you to put your penis in either. Found your penis disgusting, despite it being the center of your sexual release and pleasure... she just would touch or lick anything on your body except for your icky penis.

How long do you think you could be happy that way? Especially if you knew that there were girls that would love your penis... would make it feel good in dozens of ways. Could you be happy for the rest of your days being with a woman that found your penis to icky to enter her body?

Her vagina is her sex. Its where her orgasms take place, when she is horny she feels it there, when you give her pleasure she feels it there. To ignore that spot, to speak ill of it... will create a resentment that will grow bigger than any other feelings.

I would suggest seeing a counselor to discuss your issues from childhood that brought about this focus. Perhaps you have to deal with something in order to move past it. Thats not to say you can't still get blow jobs or have anal sex... but that unless you are with a woman with the exact same fetish (it would be a rare find, i must add) that doesn't want her vagina touched , covers its uglyness up with duct tape or something and just wants to give you anal and bjs... you are going to have a hard time being in a sexually healthy relationship until you can find a way to get over your feelings of disdain for the kitty kat.

**jns** · 12-12-2010 08:37 AM

Originally Posted by foxman09

Every guy I know can talk for hours about licking vaginas, pounding them, dreaming about them, fingering them, etc. I can't relate, I never have. I can do all those things and I can make my girlfriend orgasm in every which way involving her vagina. She tells me I have no idea what I'm missing and that I'm a waste of talent.

Much of what you talk about is very one-sided, all about your pleasure. When it comes to giving your gf pleasure, you do it grudgingly, because it doesn't turn you on like your fetish with anal does. You have to learn to give selflessly like your gf has been doing all along. Learn to take pleasure from her pleasure. If you do, you won't have to worry about your relationship with her.

**foxman09** · 12-12-2010 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by sidneyalive

im not sure i understand this, you hate her vagina and so does she ?? You think her vagina is gross ?? Thats a new on me, she does give you anal sex but thats all you want ?? What you're saying seems to go back and forth.

NO woman can have only anal sex obviously you aren't thinking about her at all..

No she doesn't hate it and I don't either. We hate the fact that I just cannot find the attraction of vaginal sex. I don't know why and I want to have that desire and I've been working on focusing on that but it just isn't there for me yet. And I don't expect her or any woman to only have anal sex. I know thats just not healthy and the likelyhood of any woman of preferring anal to vaginal is just something I know is only 1 in a billion. But even then I dont want that woman, I want my girlfriend because we have really built a solid relationship that we both felt would be forvever. But this is an issue she can't deal with so I came here to get some advice. I desire anal but I hate that is what I desire. I want to desire vaginal and I want to know if I'm the only one out there with the issue.

**foxman09** · 12-12-2010 09:53 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Find out what happened to you when you were three years old, or tell us.... It's an anonymous site, because your thread sounds trollish, however, it also sounds that there was incest ....

Welcome to the Forum.

I understand that it sounds trollish because its my first post but I don't usually go on forums dealing with sex because this is the first time I have had to deal with an issue that I couldn't figure out on my own. I wasn't abused (at least as far as I know before the age of 2.5 when I can think back to my earliest memory), definitely no incest unless it was before my memory started but knowing my parents I just wouldn't ever accuse them of that sort of thing and all my family lived out of state so I didn't see them much, I'm not catholic, I didn't have a weird neighbor, no odd babysitters, etc. I'm not ruling it out but I'd only consider abuse to be a .001% chance. But thanks for the welcome, sorry to tell a long winded story that sounds weird. As far as opening up more so you guys can help... I dont know. The time I'm referring to when I was 3 was just that I was attracted to my pre school teachers butt. I was borerline obsessed (not out loud because I was a VERY quiet kid). When I was 6 and I went swimming with a girl I had a crush on I literally poked her butt in the pool. This really is a weird thing to try and figure out because I don't have like that "haunting" memory that I know about but can't remember exactly. This is just something I've been interested in always

**foxman09** · 12-12-2010 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by sidneyalive

im not sure i understand this, you hate her vagina and so does she ?? You think her vagina is gross ?? Thats a new on me, she does give you anal sex but thats all you want ?? What you're saying seems to go back and forth.

NO woman can have only anal sex obviously you aren't thinking about her at all..

Sorry I couldn't edit my post so I have to add another comment. I know people were going to say I'm not thinking about her at all. Well the thing is I HATE desiring anal and I want BALANCE. She likes anal and but she doesn't want that to be the only thing I desire. I dont either. I want to desire what makes her a woman not just this thing that she has no connection to. I came here to see if anyone else has dealt with the same issue because I want to love everything about her and not just her .

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-12-2010 10:10 AM

You don't have to change the fact that her rear turns you on in order to have sex with her vagina. I mean in doggystyle you have the perfect view of the part of her that turns you on the most... I'm not sure i understand why you could just look at it to be aroused by it, while still being inside of her vagina sometimes. Then sometimes do it there, but other times have sex vaginally while looking at or caressing the spots that turn you on?

I mean guys are turned on by lots of things during sex but don't have to actually stick their penis inside of them in order to be aroused by them and enjoy the experience... for example a womans eyes or thighs or breasts can all turn a men on, they can look at , touch or caress these things (besides the eyeballs) while still penetrating the vagina.

You are not likely to change what speicifically arouses you about her... but you can change the actions you take during that arousal, even if just half the time.