no sex with partner

**sara26** · 12-15-2010 08:56 AM

I've never considered myself a very sexual person. Both of my long term relationships (one of which I'm still in) progressed the same way sexually: starting off exciting and frequent and then tapering off after a while. I'm at the point now where I hardly have any sex with my partner and it's become an issue. Some of this is my fault - I'm reluctant to leave my sexual comfort zone - but he's not trying either. I recently had an affair (a totally seperate issue) and could not keep my hands off the guy. I was very suprised by my strong libido ... so I have it in me, I'm just not sure why I can't direct it towards my partner. Advice?

**rcoreyus** · 12-15-2010 10:06 AM

Different people have different levels of sexual interest. If you are not matched will with your SO, this will lead to long term unhappiness. Often this doesn't change for people.

**sara26** · 12-15-2010 10:11 AM

i'm just concerned that there's a pattern developing and am hoping you all might have suggestions on how to change it.

**WildChild** · 12-15-2010 10:14 AM

Welcome to the club. It seems that many people once they know they can have sex when they want it, cease to want it very often. I never really understood that but it happens a lot. All you can do is change what you do and it may evoke a response from him.

**sara26** · 12-15-2010 12:40 PM

we've talked about this problem ... we both want more sex in our relationship, but can't seem to do anything beyond talking about the issue. i've read some of the other threads on this subject which have good ideas - i'll try some and see what happens.

**waya** · 12-15-2010 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Welcome to the club. It seems that many people once they know they can have sex when they want it, cease to want it very often. I never really understood that but it happens a lot. All you can do is change what you do and it may evoke a response from him.

That is exactly what happened to me. He even told me that exact thing. Personally, I think that should be in the book of things never to say to your wife/partner lol

**Texasred** · 12-15-2010 10:09 PM

Originally Posted by sara26

we've talked about this problem ... we both want more sex in our relationship, but can't seem to do anything beyond talking about the issue. i've read some of the other threads on this subject which have good ideas - i'll try some and see what happens.

You have talked about it, and you both see the infrequent sex as a problem?
How about this: rather than sitting around talking about it, why not just have sex? Even if you think you're not really interested. just do it: you might be surprised how what starts out as just "going through the motions" leads to your really enjoying the motions!
Remember how the sex was when you were first together? I have a theory that the more sex you have, the more you want it: that's why that "early in the relationship sex" is so good - you keep thinking about it and wanting it even when you're apart.
But similarly, the LESS sex you have, the LESS you want it, and you find yourself where you are now.

So why not try to (you'll pardon the pun) "jump start" the relationship? What HAVE you got to lose?

**sara26** · 12-16-2010 09:36 AM

I've tried, several times, to just have sex. I think part of the issue is timing (he always wants it when I'm busy or exhausted). And I think, at least partially, when I want it, he says 'no' just to get back at me ... kind of a 'see, how do you like being rejected' thing. I'm worried that the other part of our issue is that we're not attracted to eachother like we once were, so, while we generally want more sex, I don't necessarily know if we want to have it with eachother.

**WildChild** · 12-16-2010 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by sara26

I've tried, several times, to just have sex. I think part of the issue is timing (he always wants it when I'm busy or exhausted). And I think, at least partially, when I want it, he says 'no' just to get back at me ... kind of a 'see, how do you like being rejected' thing. I'm worried that the other part of our issue is that we're not attracted to eachother like we once were, so, while we generally want more sex, I don't necessarily know if we want to have it with eachother.

Then you may not belong together. The man I love has been a jerk but he still totally turns me on and I cut it off months ago, hardly ever see or speak to him. If the spark isn't there and never was, get out, unless you are willing to live an essentially sexless life.

Either both of you are willing to work on this or it's not happening.

**sara26** · 12-16-2010 10:11 AM

the spark was there and we haven't changed (physically) that much since we met. we're going through other issues outside of the bedroom ... maybe they effect the way we see eachother? we're talking about our issues more now then we ever have in the past (finally figured out ignoring them isn't the best way to go). i'm not ready to call it quits yet, but jeez ... you wouldn't think getting a guy to bed would be this tough!