Wife is chosing masturbation over me, what to do next?

**txdot2010** · 12-20-2010 03:52 PM

Hey, 49yo WM here. Wife is mid 40's too. Sex life is dismal and has been for years. After kids born she lost what little interest she had and is now to the point of 4-5 times ANNUALLY. She claims low sex drive. After a bout of insomnia last week and being more observant about some of her habits, I have discovered my wife masturbates several times a week, sometimes 2-3 times a day. Last night it was 4 times between bedtime and dawn (she thought I was asleep but she kept waking me up). Pretty much if she gets a couple hours free without kids or me around, it's finger/vibrator/dildo time. What is going on? How do I confront her? I've told her in the past she can have me anytime she wants and that I'll do anything she wants short of perversion. She says its not me but its her. Honestly, I know I'm not that attractive and am 25# heavier than when we married. She's put on 100# and is enormous but I still love her and find her attractive. I'm at the point of utter despair and don't want to lose her and marriage but it is tearing me apart.

**LanaBear** · 12-20-2010 04:41 PM

She may (or probably most likely does) have low self esteem by being over weight. It's easier to take care of her own needs rather than feeling mortified by being naked and intimate.

How do you confront her? Good question because any way you do will be bound to come across in her POV as attacking her. Been there, done that.

How about next time you are woken up by this you ask if she would like some assistance? Then, the cat is out of the bag and hopefully she'll be willing to talk about it. She will probably be mortified, but at least she will know that you know and hopefully some discussions can happen.

**jns** · 12-20-2010 04:51 PM

If it was a guy doing it, I would say he is being selfish, so I will say it here, too. It is also being driven by low self esteem. Do you ever comment about her weight? She could be taking it as personal, causing her to withdraw even more. The fact that you want to still have sex with her but she would rather have it with toys may mean that your communication to her may not be working, The opposite is also probably true.

**LanaBear** · 12-20-2010 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Do you ever comment about her weight?

I was going to ask the same question.... I've had a weight problem in the past and if my hubby had ever even made reference to me being "enormous" I probably would have never had sex with him again. Women are very very VERY sensitive about our weight.

**txdot2010** · 12-20-2010 08:26 PM

THanks for the replies. I've never brought up her weight; she clearly stated to me early on to never bring it up, so I don't. She was normal weight when we married, and after the 2nd child lost all the baby weight. But the last 13 years have been a constant gain. She only works PT (3x week, 4 hours each day) and spend the rest of the time volunteering (PTA, carpool, etc.). She has a very controlling personality and I"m sure there's an element of complete "control" in all this. She also is, as she puts it, "not into personal servitude". So, when it comes to foreplay/sex it's "done to her, not by her". Fun ain't it?

**WildChild** · 12-20-2010 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by txdot2010

I"m sure there's an element of complete "control" in all this. She also is, as she puts it, "not into personal servitude". So, when it comes to foreplay/sex it's "done to her, not by her". Fun ain't it?

Comes in both genders. Sounds just like several men I've known.

**txdot2010** · 12-20-2010 08:47 PM

Agreed. She is a very loving, warm person with a outgoing personality and 100's of friends. She's the kind of person everyone knows and remembers and loves.

**jns** · 12-20-2010 08:56 PM

Too bad she is giving everything of herself to others and not enough to her husband. Maybe counseling will work.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-20-2010 09:24 PM

I just don't get the women and men that deny their significant other sex. Not only does it leave the other person feeling sexually unsatisfied, but can bring about so much anxiety, insecurity and just feeling overall unwanted.

I could understand if there was a medical condition preventing it, or something major that made them not be able to ..but if they are able to masturbate a couple times a day and be on all sorts of committess.. they have the time and the energy and the drive for sex, they just don't want to do it with their partner.

How a person can promise to love and be faithful to someone, ask the same of their partner... then deny them such an essential componant of a relationship is beyond me.

A lot of times people and women in particular will withhold sex as a form of punishment for some percieved or actual wrong. Can you think of anything she may be harboring some resentment towards you for?

Sometimes a woman will withold sex when they don't feel appreciated in general, don't feel desired or wanted, feel like chopped liver essentially... its like why should i bother... I'm not what you want -- Do you compliment other women more than her? Do you leave porno laying around? Are you one of those guys that has to stop the channel on anything that has a girl in a bikini and ooh and ahh over it? You may not be calling her fat, but if your never telling her you think she's sexy... she probably doesn't have any reason to think you find her that way.

Sometimes a woman will also forgo sex if they feel like their partner isn't helping them... that they are so busy and so stressed and aren't getting the support they want. Do you help out with those carpools? Help around the house? Give her the night to herself so she can go read a book or just watch a show without interruptions? Its hard to be giving to someone else when you don't even have the time in your day to give to yourself... and I'm not talking orgasms.

And sometimes some women will not want sex, if they don't enjoy it... do you make sure to make her pleasure important? Do you take time to get her in the mood and I don't mean just the 30 seconds before you put it in... I mean the night before when you tell her she's beautiful.. the afternoon before when you send her a text in the middle of the day to tell her you've been thinking about her all morning... etc...

Some women are ready to go at the drop of a hat (or a pair of pants) and others are like a crockpot and have to feel in a sexy mood all day in order to work up to that boil.

**txdot2010** · 12-20-2010 11:15 PM

I won't claim sainthood. In the past I worked too much and travelled up until about 3 years ago when I really started to dial it back. I tell her everyday that I love her and that I think she is beautiful. I don't have any porn anywhere and haven't been dialing up internet porn either. I try to be a good dad, she says that I'm a good dad and husband. On most dimensions our relationship is sound. During our last discussion on this matter (not the masturbation but sex in general) I compared us to really good roommates. We do everything well together but have sex. She says she never thinks about it and I pointed out that she had only initiated sex twice in the last 12 years. About 5 years ago we went 2 years and had sex once.

I don't think it is really about sex.My fear is that she may love me but has no romantic interest in me anymore. I think her romantic fantasies are something I cannot deliver (young sexy stud or woman) or she still secretly carries a torch for a former love (ironically, was an NFL player). I don't know. About to hit the hay, she said she was really tired today (gee?) so we'll see if she tries to pull another all-nighter.