Thread: Contemplating an affair

Originally Posted by waya

I'm sorry you're going through this because I have been in a somewhat similar situation and it just hurts. If he says he wants to fix things but doesn't do anything about it I would tell you him you needed time away from him for a while to try and figure things out. Maybe the time without you would make him realize how important you are to him?

That would be a great start.
Might help him to rethink his priorities, and help you to think clearly about what you want.

Just stay away from the "married guy at work who has affairs..." - for the time being, at least!

Numbandsad, I'm very sorry to hear you are in this sort of situation. If you read some of the other posts on this site you will find that there are a fair number of men an women going through this. (Reverse the genders, add 20 years to the relationship and you have something like my situation).

I completely understand the desire to have an affair. It seems you could get the intimacy that you want, and that your husband isn't giving you. I certainly would not judge you badly for it, and I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this situation can understand just how awful it is.

It is even possible that you can get your sex life on the side and continue to live with your husband. Maybe you really can have both. Most people though have difficult separating love and sex, and you might well become attached to the man with whom you are having an affair. You will also probably feel guilty about it, unfair since he is really the one who is doing this to you.

Does your husband really understand how much this means to you? I know it is really difficult to make this clear to your partner (I've failed).

In any case I think there really are only 3 choices:

1. Leave: difficult of course because I assume you love him and don't want to hurt him.

2. Have sex on the side: This will satisfy your physical needs, but you will live with guilt and fear of being found out. Your hiding things may damage the relationship more than the affair itself.

3. Stay where you are and live like a nun / monk. You will gradually become more unhappy and resentful as you realise that you are being denied the level of intimacy that everyone should expect in a loving relationship.

They aren't good choices, are they. I've picked #3 and I'm really unhappy. I think if I could send a message to myself of 20 years ago I might suggest #1, but its so difficult since I do love my wife. I often consider #2 but am basically prevented by pride.

Sorry I can't help, only commiserate.

Originally Posted by numbandsad

In my heart I know I should never have married my husband as sex is so important to me so I guess I deserve this.

Well, tell this your husband and start the divorce. You should tell him about the kiss, especially how that made you feel. Don't cheat. You will regret that sooner or later. You should aim for a nice and clean divorce.

We're in a similar boat, though in my case to a much lesser extent, and I'm not considering having an affair or leaving my wife. Though maybe we should get together and see who can outdo the other! Lol! (Joking!)

Rather than having a pity party, maybe I can come up with a solution for you and solve my issues at the same time! Maybe it is a libido issue or low testosterone as someone has ventured. Exercise, diet, mental health, spiritual health and sexual heath (mind, body and spirit) should all be taken care of for total health. If you're both there and he still has no enthusiasm, then maybe you two are sexually incompatible. If you have kids and otherwise wish to stay together you could consider swinging if you were that way inclined! Failing that tell him that you are not prepared to accept sub-standard sex for the rest of your married lives and as such ask for his blessing for you to sleep with another man! This will shock him into action or push you towards divorce. Cheating is not a good way to go imo. Getting people to change is always an uphill battle. He has go to want to change and want to please you. Failing this, tone down your sexual desires (if this is actually possible) and focus on what is good between you. You need to decide how inportant sex is to you before try and tone down an aspect of your being. The success of relationships is not measured by their longevity. So maybe it is time to move on. Only you can decide. Go with your feelings - they represent what is true for you.

Wow, numbandsad, you are me 16 years ago! I'm still married haven't had sex in over 10 years, I stopped counting. I stayed for the sake of the children, they are now 20 and 15. There is absolutely no relationship left, I loath the site of him. DO NOT do what I did, I decided to make myself "undesirable" to avoid an affair and gained 100lbs., it certainly worked to avoid any man wanting me. What a fool I was. I feel for you, all I can advise is do not sell yourself to the devil for someone else, be true to yourself, you deserve it.

Have you approached your husband with the idea of possibly an open marriage? Kinda having your cake and eating it too so to speak. But seriously, if you and hubby have a good relationship aside from the sex and he has no interest/desire in sex would he object to you getting that outside of the marriage? Maybe the suggestion of it might kick start his sex drive for fear of losing you or not wanting to share you? I can't condone an affair because it's just dishonest and hurtful. I see your predicament and sympathize with you. Talk to your hubby... tell him you want, need, and desire more sexually and he either steps up to the plate and delivers or with his blessing you will find someone that will.... without his blessing you will take steps to end this marriage and move on. Either way...you have maintained honesty and integrity, it's a lot less hurtful than cheating.