Contemplating an affair

**numbandsad** · 12-29-2010 08:27 PM

My husband and I have been married for over 4 years and together for about 6.
He is a wonderful man and my best friend but we are in trouble as our sex life is miserable and Im contemplating having an affair because Im so dsperate for physical intimacy.
I am not going to blame him as Im sure I am to blame for some of this but let me just give you the story:

From the very beginning of our relationship, I did notice my husband was passive in bed for example. I suggest things to do, watch etc and he never gives me input even when I ask him what he wants. I make sure both of us have orgasm because after years of me trying to tell him what to do and where to go, I just got tired Moreover, when I ask him to "help me." by fingering me, biting me etc, its like Im asking him to do the dishes. He says he cant keep his fingers inside me because my muscles push him out as Im climaxing. He never takes the lead or suggests anything which makes me feel SOOOOO UNWATED AND UGLY.
I have had more sexual partners than my husband (although Im not sure because he doesnt like to open up too much about his past sex life so Im guessing on my having more partners.) and am usually the one to be more willing to try things in bed. As far as kissing and foreplay, well that stopped about 6 months into the relationship. Now we barely have sex, maybe once every few months and I find it easier to masturbate. We never kiss or fondle and sometimes I wonder if my husband is gay, or does not like sex at all or at least with me.
Honestly there is only so much teaching, guiding I can do. I have on so many occasions told my husband that Im not happy with our sex like and that we need help, counseling, sex classes and he agrees then nothing happens. Quite honestly, hubby and I are best friends with occasional very very bad sex and honestly Im not attracted sexually to my husband anymore. He is so passive in bed, he gets erections but thats it.

I have had men hit on me and rebuff them becasue I didnt want to ruin my marriage however two weeks ago, I ended up kissing someone and it was like being kissed for the first time. It was amazing, like heaven have not felt this good in years and years. It stopped at kissing and afterwards (he is married and has affairs) I told him I could not see him anymore as I dont want to hurt my husband. But honestly I feel like Ive just woken from a long long sleep. Ive forgotten how good it feels. I stopped it at kissing this time but I know its just a matter of time before I have an affair.
I do not want to hurt my husband but what about me? What do I do?

Someone please help me.
In my heart I know I should never have married my husband as sex is so important to me so I guess I deserve this.

**WildChild** · 12-29-2010 08:36 PM

Why can't he be your very good friend without being your husband?
Sounds more like roommates.

Before you throw in the towel get him in for a complete physical. He could be low T. That wouldn't solve the skills issues but would affect his interest and enthusiasm.

**numbandsad** · 12-29-2010 08:45 PM

you are right we are roomates.

**kristalyn_04** · 12-29-2010 08:49 PM

I am sorry to hear about the problems in your sex life with your husband, but nothing warrants going outside the marriage and having an affair. If you're going to do that, you may as well just get a divorce and move on.

That said, you say you have suggested counseling and couple's classes, he agrees then nothing happens. Well, why don't you take the initiative here and book the appointment at a time that is convenient for you both, set a reminder and just go? Things don't just happen on it's own, you have to make it happen. Make an appointment with a counselor, sign up for a class, and go. Even if he doesn't go with you, go for yourself.

Also, have you tried just sitting down with him and having a heart to heart discussion? He needs to know how frustrated you feel, and how this situation is affecting you. He needs to open up as to why he is rejecting you. It sounds like there's something deeper going on that he either doesn't want to talk about or is very reluctant to talk about. How was the sex in the beginning? Nothing will change unless you are both on the same page as to what is going on and both of you want to work at it to change things. Otherwise, you either live with it, or divorce and move on. Cheating is just not an option.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 08:52 PM

I tend to think that when someone comes here contemplating an affair, they are at their ends wit having tried everything but gained nothing...

Often it's roses, then marriage and not much after that, almost as if "lust" that was there, left and was replaced with friendship, only "love" makes people work on something....

It's time to love yourself, and allow yourself to be loved, sex, is only a part of your needs, understandably a big part, but so is kissing, being held, adventure, fun, laughter, and that look in his/your eyes....

I'd say you've given it your best shot..

I'd also say 6 years? minimal boring,routine sex? And now your a woman, a real woman dying to come out, that 20 year old that was once free there, that got shut down....as to the "affair"...

Walk first....is my advice....you'll feel better within yourself if you do.....

CW

**Texasred** · 12-29-2010 09:03 PM

So, the sex with him was never good, but y'all got married anyway?
What's that about?
Now, here you are, 6 years down that road, and things haven't gotten any better: is there some compelling reason you're staying together?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 09:15 PM

It's called ....."settling"....you know, in "hope" he's the right one? Missed the signs? saw other good points, like laughter /friendship?

Happens all the time.....

**Texasred** · 12-29-2010 09:22 PM

Whaaat?
You don't think raising a kid is good reason for staying together? I do.

"Settling" is one thing; staying settled in the absence of compelling reasons is... inertia.

**waya** · 12-29-2010 09:27 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this because I have been in a somewhat similar situation and it just hurts. If he says he wants to fix things but doesn't do anything about it I would tell you him you needed time away from him for a while to try and figure things out. Maybe the time without you would make him realize how important you are to him?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 09:37 PM

Originally Posted by Texasred

Whaaat?
You don't think raising a kid is good reason for staying together? I do.

"Settling" is one thing; staying settled in the absence of compelling reasons is... inertia.

See, the OP never said she had children, nor your other comment edited..

Texasred, when something is close to your heart, you will explode..

I am suggesting that people "choose" the wrong partner..The OP has stated this herself, she should have realised but didn't and they don't do it deliberately, they "think" it will all work out and so they settle....

CW