husband admitted to considering cheating...

**studentmom** · 12-30-2010 12:57 AM

I'm in desperate need of help and I'm not sure where to even start... I suppose I'll start with some details of our relationship.

-We dated in high school, went our separate ways and then got together again about 12 years later after we each had failed marriages.
-I have a 9 year old from my previous marriage, he has a 5 and 7 year old from his.
-We have a 22 month old son, and I am 33 weeks pregnant.
-He is out of town 6 days for work, home for 3 days.
-I am a full time nursing student (bachelor's program, not significant, but more coursework and would like to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with).

We have had a difficult couple of years, battling his alcoholism and anger issues, me leaving him, and then us trying to work things out. This past semester in school has really had me down and exhausted, trying to study and raise two kids alone for the most part. When my husband is home, he doesn't help much around the house, because he "busts his at work", and shouldn't have to do anything at home. It's my job to raise the kids, keep the house clean, study, go to school, cook, do laundry, run errands, etc. You get the picture. He used to help me around the house, but has quit, claiming that he got tired of doing it on his days off and coming home to a messy house again. My 9 year old has ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder (certifiably tested and diagnosed, not just on medication so I don't have to parent her), so I'm constantly battling with her, and my 22 month old has recently hit his "terrible twos".

Over Christmas, my husband was able to be home for 5 days. I cooked, cleaned, picked up toys (5 times a day), finished Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts, ran errands, all while he either sat in front of the tv, the computer, or laid in bed all day. The last night he was home, I left him at home with our 22 month old for 10 minutes and came home to pancake mix all over the floor. Needless to say, he wasn't being watched (due to some stupid marathon on tv), and guess who cleaned it up??

That pretty much brings us to today when he told me that he is unhappy with our life, our marriage, and our sex life and has been "fighting within himself to have an affair." My heart broke. I am 33 weeks pregnant, tired all the time, chasing a 35 pound little boy around the majority of the day, trying to keep up with household chores as much as I can, and he complains because he doesn't get sex as often as he thinks he deserves it. He wants to feel "wanted", but I have a hard time showing him that when I can't get any appreciation for what I do, only get berated for what I can't get done... (For example, I can make sure dishes don't sit for longer than an hour before washing them, but he complains because laundry is piling up or the bathroom is dirty.)

The entire 3 days he's home from work all I hear is how horny he is. Ok fine, but telling me that isn't a turn on. Sex in the middle of the day when the kids are awake and terrorizing the house is not appealing to me. By bedtime, I'm so exhausted that I just want to go to sleep! Especially now that I'm up every 3 hours with indigestion or having to go to the bathroom because the little one is kicking my bladder. Most nights, he goes to bed at 8:30 with the 22 month old (in our bed) and I'm left to clean up the mess of the evening. Then he gets mad at me because I don't initiate sex with one of the kids in bed!

I'm really at a loss for what to do... I know my hormones have my sex drive all messed up (that and the fact that after sex, I feel so much pressure from the baby, it's like she's trying to jump out of my stomach), but I love my husband, and I try to show him I appreciate what he does as far as work goes. I just wish he would understand that 99% of the time I'm tired, my back hurts, and I'm not horny 24/7 like he is! He's gone 6 days a week, so who knows if he would ever actually have an affair, I would never find out! According to some of the stories he has told me, many of the guys he works with have affairs... I don't want to live life like that, wondering all the time if he's being faithful. And I don't think I deserve a man who has to convince himself not to have an affair! I deserve one who KNOWS he wants to be faithful to me, no matter what!

I don't know what I'm asking for here, maybe some advice for how to deal with some of this, emotionally, physically, advice on how to keep him faithful, advice to give up and move on, something... anything... I'm so lost and heartbroken.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-30-2010 01:47 AM

Welcome to the Forum...

You know, I just kept seeing "sex" when reading that, together with , your the woman I'm doing nothing...So, it's all about me? That being him...

You don't mention when he sees his children, or whether he is financially supporting them, I'm curious to add that into my answer, as well as what he does for a living.

Words are threats and he's using emotional blackmail on you in order to get sex, where this "affair to be" is stated....

It sounds as if you two can't communicate...

1) You don't see each other, your like ships in the night, you've learn't to live on your own.
2) Your studying, bringing up a child with ADHD and a small child and a third one on the way, whilst cooking, cleaning, and entertaining the kids, cleaning up after them, it's all too much for you.
3) You resent him sitting on his lorals and he resents working away, wanting love and laughter, only to get chores and nil sex.

You don't have a marriage you have a nightmare

There is a word, called compromise...

1) How can you change your lifestyle? How can you ease things up on yourself?
2) Does he have to work this job? Ships in the night won't work.
3) 6 days without sex and 3 days at home, relaxing, he is also after intimacy, are you not excited to see him? Excited knowing he's coming home?Can you not change the pattern of your children so you both have me time at night?
4) If your tired, your back hurts and seeing him naked doesn't create a spark then why?

Yes, your hormones are playing a part in this, he should be there for you, for goodness sake, your pregnant, he needs to help irrespective, and understand, we aren't robots, there is alot that occurs when pregnant....

I feel he's being selfish, did his Mother do everything at home?

Bottom line, is....You need rest...you can not do all that you are doing, if you love him, you need to work out a better routine, those days he is home and allow him to feel wanted, loved, and bond...sexually...and he needs to not use blackmail to get it and not be lazy and not realise that your not coping...AND, lastly, you need to perhaps put your study on hold, get some help ie) cleaner, something to quit your stressing it's not good for you or your children, or the baby on the way...

More than likely your too tired to spend quality time on anything, including the kids...yet if you could, they would be calmer and so would you.

You'd also be suprised, men don't just look at sex as sex, rather, she loves me, I turn her on, it makes them a man, and more in love....they need love too, you both do...

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-30-2010 05:54 AM

I really think you guys should consider moving the baby out of the bed. The relationship will keep growing distant if the two of you can't spend any quality time together... its hard with kids and his job schedule, but you guys have to make the time -- he has to help you make the time. Hiring a babysitter or enlisting a family members help so that the two of you can have an evening out once a month at the LEAST... should happen. A date night where its just about the two of you.

He needs to understand that you would be more interested in sex if you weren't so exhausted from keeping up the house by yourself and that if he helped you, it would give you more energy. And you need to try to understand that if you keep denying him sex ... he isn't going to quit having a sex drive -- he's just going to get resentful. I'm not saying have sex with him or he will cheat... I'm not saying do things with him when you don't want to. I am saying when you are committed to someone and they are a sexual person... and they are faithful to you... never having sex with them isn't all that fair, isn't all that good for the happiness of the relationship. Its basically condemning them to celibacy.

I think if he was helping you around the house, I think if the baby was out of the bed, I think if you guys got to spend some quality time together away from every one else once in a while ... you guys can regain your intimate connection -=- not just sexually, but being close and remembering why it is you love each other's company.

But if you are constantly exhausted, he's ignoring the housework, if you guys never get to spend time together ... and if the only time you get to be alone and be close there is a baby laying between the two of you... things will just keep getting more distant.

No, you should not have to worry about him having an affair... especially with him being gone 6 days at a time , he should be doing his best to make you feel secure in your relationship... not give you doubts. There are changes that each of you can make to make this work.

**studentmom** · 12-30-2010 09:34 AM

Thank you for the quick replies... In response to your questions, we get his children usually every other time he's home, and yes he pays child support for both of them.

As for what he does, he works in the oilfield, and is very good at what he does. He continues to work this job because I am not able to work with the hectic nursing school schedule, kids' daycare and school schedules, etc. We live in an area where unemployment rates are high, and average pay is low. His job provides great insurance benefits, which is a necessity with kids. However, he works close enough (often about 3-4 hours away) and stays in a hotel, so every once in a while the kids and I make the drive to see him for the night.

You are correct in stating that we cannot communicate. We used to be able to talk about everything and nothing all at the same time. He was my best friend. But after all the hurt and pain of what we went through when we were separated, I have found it hard to open up to anyone, female friends included. I know that has had a big impact on our communication, but he's also not one to sugar coat anything. He tells you like it is, there's no tactful way of saying it in his eyes. It has caused so many fights that we just don't talk much anymore. It has really gotten rather lonely. I'm not saying I don't try, that's what prompted the conversation last night... I asked him what was wrong. And, well, you saw the response I got. I'm not sure how anyone else would take it, but it was a punch in the stomach.

I understand that being away for so long and not having that physical closeness with your spouse can really cause issues. It isn't like we have NO SEX whatsoever. We usually do at least once when he's home. It's just not enough for him. In regards to your question about whether I'm excited when he comes home... honestly, I used to be, but lately (as in the past couple months), I have dreaded it because I know a fight is going to happen over sex or the house being dirty, that I almost wish he'd stay at work! When he is away, the kids stay on schedule. My son (the baby) sleeps in his own bed and is in bed by 8 every night. He doesn't sleep with me. When my husband is home, he tells me how much he is missing out on and wants to have him in bed with us. He goes to bed WITH the baby, it's not the case where he puts him in his crib and then gets him out later when he goes to bed later. Leaves no time for us to relax together once the kids go to bed.

His mother does quite a bit in the home, but she is on her 5th marriage, so I'm not sure how much presence a fatherly figure had in the home as he was growing up. I do know that his biological father wasn't a good man, and he hasn't had contact with him in at least 15 years.

I couldn't agree more than men and women view sex differently. Men view it as rejection and think "she doesn't love me" if his wife doesn't have sex with him. I am the type of woman that if you help me out, show you actually care about the relationship (by putting in your share of the workload at home), show some appreciation, maybe do something unexpected and thoughtful, I'm more in the mood for sex than if he were to just say "hey baby, wanna wrestle?" or groping me. Often times I feel like a piece of meat, and I didn't used to feel that way. But since I haven't gotten the emotional security I've needed for a while. He just says "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my wife?!" No, it's not wrong, I'm glad he still is, even with my pregnant body, but without the emotional support, I feel like just another woman he sees (or knows) that he is sexually attracted to.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-30-2010 09:46 AM

I know that relationships are all about compromise, and I know that no true story is ever one sided........but I'm going to take the route here that YOU are holding your family together, you are doing everything and other than working and bringing home some money, he's doing absolutely NOTHING for this relationship. Counterproductive or not, I'm not sure you should have to concede anymore, to compromise anything more than you already are. He's clearly the type of man who will sit back and let you give and give and do and do and will not offer to lift a finger.

IMO, he's not just lazy he's cruel. Anyone with any compassion towards you at all could see that you're up to your eyeballs with what you currently have to do, have ANOTHER baby on the way to add to that, and NEED help. We see that, and we're strangers. Then on top of his sitting back and doing absolutely zilch to help or nurture this relationship in anyway, you're expected to sexually please him whenever he wants it. And then he says he considered cheating. This is (like CW said) his way of threatening you. "If you don't do what I want you to do then I might be forced to cheat" because he knows no woman wants to be cheated on, and especially one who is taking care of 4 kids with another on the way. Give me a flippin break.

I commend you for all you're doing and sticking with school so you can have a career of your own. That's awesome. Keep at it...don't let this cause you to fail.

You're going to school full time (The BS Nursing Program is not easy and DOES require lots of studying and time), so though you're not making any money, you ARE working a full time job.
You're totally responsible for taking care of at least 2 kids full time, soon to be 3, and in some cases you'll be taking care of 5. Again, though you're not making any money, you ARE working another full time job.
You're totally responsible for taking care of the home: cooking, cleaning, probably bill paying, laundry, grocery shopping etc

And he thinks because he's working one full time job and bringing home a paycheck he's doing his fair share? He needs to realize that if you were divorced from him you could receive not only child support but get significant financial aid as a single mother trying to get a degree. In other words, he's making himself very dispensable. He is NOT being a husband to you.

Whether he cheats or not at this point would be my last concern. My concern would be putting my foot down and insisting on some BIG changes in that home instead of sitting back and taking on more and more and more and living a like of H-E-double L as you are now. Love him or not....this is YOUR life too.

**rcoreyus** · 12-30-2010 10:34 AM

I just want to point out one detail in what you wrote, others have good comments on the rest. You said "he complains because he doesn't get sex as often as he thinks he deserves it". I think that one part of the problem is right there. Sex shouldn't be a gift from you to him, it should be something mutual that you both enjoy.

**studentmom** · 12-30-2010 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I just want to point out one detail in what you wrote, others have good comments on the rest. You said "he complains because he doesn't get sex as often as he thinks he deserves it". I think that one part of the problem is right there. Sex shouldn't be a gift from you to him, it should be something mutual that you both enjoy.

I couldn't agree more, and that's why I don't like having sex the majority of the time... it's more like a chore, something that has to be done, rather than something I should enjoy doing to show my appreciation for him...

**JustHormonious** · 12-30-2010 01:37 PM

studentmom - Your husband checked out of this marriage a long time ago, and you know it. Unfortunately, there is only one adult in this relationship and it's not him. A man that loves and respects his wife and family would come home and want nothing more than to be a part of it.

It doesn't sound like he's present when he's home. So why even bother coming home? Your children need a father that plays with them, reads with them, disciplines them, and loves them. They need a father that is happy to be home. Then, there's you...What do YOU need?

Him using "sex" as the reason for being unhappy is a COP OUT! If he wanted sex he would not be placing his son in the bed with you at bedtime. Your son is being used as his wall. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and come clean, or maybe he did today.

Today when he told me that he is unhappy with our life, our marriage, and our sex life and has been "fighting within himself to have an affair".

That final statement says one of two things... He has already done this or He has already done this. Again, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Your husband seems determined to place all the blame of your marriage failing on you. How does that make you feel?

I don't know what I'm asking for here, maybe some advice for how to deal with some of this, emotionally, physically, advice on how to keep him faithful, advice to give up and move on, something... anything... I'm so lost and heartbroken.

You seem to be a very intelligent woman, sit back down with your husband and flat out ask him if wants to remain in this marriage. If you have no communication, you have no marriage...Playing games with someone's emotions is high school at best.

We women are a lot smarter than men give us credit for. Men who have affairs do it because they want to, not because we made them. Although, they would love for us to believe that. Some women do and that's the real shame...You are already living life as a single mom..What does he contribute to this relationship other than his paycheck?

**oxy-moron** · 12-30-2010 08:56 PM

Hi
from a different perspective you have two very young lives that will benefit hugely if you can make things work.
Divorce rates show first marriage 50%-second marriage 67%- third marriage 74%.
So getting a divorce is not a ticket to happiness but will almost certainly cause huge financial pain.
Times may seem hard but if things go well in the medium term you will find your self qualified with a better future.
Google ADHD and Fish Oil and ADHD and vitamin D. Give your daughter more responsibility for minding your toddler.
Concentrate on getting through the next 3 months and set aside some cuddle or massage time with hubby-15 mins a day at least when he is there. He will want to be a better dad and will help more around the house.
Good luck.

**studentmom** · 12-30-2010 09:33 PM

thanks for the input oxy, I will definitely look into that! I definitely don't want a divorce, I'd like to do whatever I can to make it work. He's my best friend, and we've been through a lot together, so I'd like to see it work. But I also shouldn't sacrifice my own sanity just to keep my marriage together.