Thread: Girlfriend has ''changed''

Hello everyone,

My gf and I are both 19 years old, we both go to the same university and still live with our parents.
Now we have been together for 2 years , but I feel like my girlfriend has changed a little bit.
In the beginnen she was a really energetic person, but since about 7 months she only complains about being tired. Her sex drive reduced aswell. In the beginning, she really loved it, she would even go for round two, tell me on the phone she wants me, or when im with her she would suddenly touch me all over and be turned on. That all has gone... right now we haven't had sex for about a month, and she really doesn't seem to bother. I've tried to talk to her about this, but there are 2 things that I get as an answer: She tells me that I think sex is soo important and that I always think about that OR she says that she wants the next time be really special and wants to be totally home alone and stuff.
Now I can understand that she wants to be home alone and stuff, but all the time before it was never a problem. Oke, maybe sex was not always the right thing to do, but things as pleasing her were never a problem. She liked it soo much. But now, she really doesn't care about it.

When we hang out at my place, she does get horny sometimes. We would kiss really sexy and stuff, but thats all. If i start squeezing her boobs or trying to get down on her, she will push me away and smile at me.

Im really not a guy that only wants sex. Once a week would be even enough for me, but my energy level and sex-drive would like to have 4-5 a week and I know a lot of woman have such sex-drive aswell. I am really not willing to cheat and I won't do that, but I really wanna do something sexy again with my gf. Last time I was out with my friends to a club and this girl started to dance with me, with had little body contact, but I fellt that I started to get an erection. We didn't do anything really dirty, just some contact, but it got my aroused. I felt bad against my gf, but at the same time, she never really cared about my sex-drive.

It's just that, in the beginning we were both energetic, we both loved teasing each other and stuff, sex, talking a lot, it all some sort of reduced and I feel like she has changed. I did try to look if I did anything wrong, but there is nothing. I also asked her couple of times if I did anything and she just says something like: im just really tired lately... And I dont want to be arrogant, but as a guy im pretty athletic(musculair/sixpack), good-looking, her girlfriends are all some sort of ''jealous'' that she got me, but to be honest, I don't really feel like she deserves me. Not because I think I look good, but because she doesn't really want to do anything about her changings and doesn't really show that she cares about me. I tried to tell her that she changed in a subtle but that got her only mad....

I also want to note that I really loved to go down on her much more then her pleasing me. When we used to play with each other, I never really wanted a BJ or HJ, I always liked to please her, since that got my happy. I wouldn't reject if she wanted to do something with me, but in general, I've done way more for her then she for me...
In the time when everything was oke, she used to say she wants to have sex, when we didn't have sex for about 5 days. That all changed. Our school is pretty close to my house, so in the break, we could go to my house and be alone and stuff. But she doesn't really care about it. She doesn't even mention that we didn't have sex for so long.
I did want to try to sort of take her away and not tell her where we go, and end up to go to my place, but im scared that she will say something like: ohhh baby im really tired right now...

I really don't know what to do, I'm still young, I want to live young, but I really feel like a 70-year old with her. If I look at my self, I see myself looking at other woman, fantasizing about other woman and since Im against cheating, It wont go further then that, but I can indicate in ''what kind of state'' I am....

Thanks for the reading and I hope for some wise help

This sounds like a very frustrating situation for you. And I don't intend to minimize it in any way, but in the past two years has your girlfriend started taking birth control pills? I took them for several years before they started really affecting my sex drive, but everyone is different. I got to the point while on the pill that I had ZERO desire to have sex, got angry at my boyfriend for wanting sex, felt like that's all he thought about. It's like someone telling you that you should want to eat even if you're not hungry. That's how it felt to me. I couldn't want it, I tried....I just didn't. Once I went off the pill, my libido came back in full swing. But then there's the issue of protecting against pregnancy. Alot of times that falls on the womans shoulders and it adds ALOT of pressure. "Well if I don't take the pill, and he hates using condoms....then what can I do?". And sometimes for us it's just easier to not have sex than it is to have to worry about it. Maybe she's not on the pill, I dunno, that's why I'm asking.

Sure things were different in the beginning, but I'm sure things were different with you in the beginning too. What I've found with most all guys I've ever dated is that they put their best foot forward in the beginning, give lots of compliments, lots of attention, etc then when they get comfortable and all the romance and sweet stuff stops, the women stops feeling like she's truly wanted other than for sex. That's no good either. And again, not saying that's the issue here, just giving some thoughts.

Then there's the other option which is that perhaps the relationship has grown stale, she's comfortable in the fact you've been together so long, but doesn't really have the feelings for you she should have at this point? Maybe she has doubts, but cares alot for you and is afraid to lose you.

Either way, tricking her into getting her alone isn't the best idea. What is a good idea is sitting down and talking about your relationship as a whole (NOT just sex), openly, and when you can do it without getting angry or upset. Talk to her, communication is KEY.

I just read your post on "Can't achieve Orgasm" and now I'm confused. That post was supposedly written by a female who couldn't have an orgasm and had a reduced sex drive. Also mentioned Implanon as birth control. Some women on implanon experience weight gain, mood swings, lack of sex drive, frequent bleeding (especially after sex), etc.

Beautifull disaster, thanks for your reply!
I wanted to start by saying that act of getting her alone, was something she ever told me in the past. That she would find it horny if I would say: Come, pack your bag, we are going. And I would bring her to home to have sex. In the past, she loved those stuff, now, she doesn't.

About my part of the situation, that I've changed as well, I believe I did change aswell, but, I am sure that I didn't change in any way that would bother her. Because I used to tell her like twice a week, f.e. on the phone, before going to bed, that I love her a lot and im really happy with her. I would buy presents for her. I remembered every single time that when we had an other month of dating. She actually forgot almost all of them! I don't see it as a problem or something, but just trying to say that I tried to stay the way I was. I also didn't let the romance die. Once I asked her sister the keys, and I went into her room, put up candles in her name, and then I-Love-You. She loved that sooo much, she was like: ''I just can't let you go, I have to marry you''. And ofcourse I had a couple more of romantic stuff that I did for her. And if I look back, I can only remember one thing that she did, and that was, she bought a sexy set, and planned to have sex and wore that set that day. But I never complained about it. I just appriciated it...

Then there's the other option which is that perhaps the relationship has grown stale, she's comfortable in the fact you've been together so long, but doesn't really have the feelings for you she should have at this point? Maybe she has doubts, but cares alot for you and is afraid to lose you.

I think thats the whole issue. I did talk to her like 2 weeks ago. She did admit that she was thinking about breaking up but she didn't want to let me go, she was scared of not being able to find someone like me. But hey, on the other hand, I also had the feelings of breaking up, since I didn't really get any feeling of care.

I do have to admit, since about 2 months, I might have been more times irritated by stuff and have been mad on her. But thats due the fact that she didn't give me the feeling of care. In the beginning, I really wanted to do anything for her, aslong as she is happy. I had to feeling that I was dating a princess and wanted to give her the best time. But now, that ''dating a princess'' is some what gone. I've so many ideas like something romantic or adventures, but I don't have that exciting feeling that I want to do that with her, because I have the feeling that it won't change her way of looking at me.

And yeah, she uses the implanon. She was planning to get it out. I hope it can change things.

Oh and about that post, she has difficulties with getting orgasm. She wanted to seek help for it but she never really understanded forums, so I told her to write down on Word what she would like to ask and I posted it for her. And after that I let her read everything and let her answer. I saw I had an account on my mail so I couldn't open a new one for myself.

oh and when I posted that thing about orgasm for her, in that period, we had a bit more fun then now, but still wasn't like I expected to be.
Also what I found funny back then(and still find), she really wanted to have an orgasm(and still wants), but she never really looked for any info on the internet. I always did everything, I looked to sites, bought even a PDF for female orgasms. She wants something soo bad, but doesn't really put effort in it. Godd I even worked out my arms more often so that I could go on for longer time when I was down on her. But reason for no-orgasm was obviously not a mistake of me. She doesn't even know exactly what she likes. She never did anything with herself...

but anyway, OT

Losing your sex drive can be a very devastating thing. That's something most men your age can't understand at all. But for women it's not all that uncommon when we're having to pump our bodies full of artificial hormones so we can keep you sexually satisfied. And I say that because alot of times those hormones DO (like as Counting Calories explained in that other thread) diminish libido. Therefore, it also takes away our desire to do ANYTHING that you could perceive as leading to sex. For example, when I'd hug my boyfriend he'd get an erection. Once I felt that erection, I no longer wanted to hug him because I knew he was thinking of sex and sex was the last thing I wanted. When I did make myself have sex with him during that time I had no libido, I didn't enjoy it AT ALL, and I couldn't even begin to have an orgasm. Every guy that encourages or supports his girlfriend in taking hormonal bc should be REQUIRED to research the pill and the side effects of it in great detail. Because you, as a man, cannot fathom what it can do to a woman both physically and emotionally. The irony of it all is that often times we go on the pill to make sex better and more convenient for the man we're with. But it ends up making us tired, moody, emotional, gain weight, break out, lose our sex drive, spot, have cramps, bloat, etc. Sounds nice huh?

Either way, it truly sounds as if you think you do all the work in the relationship, you put forth all the effort while she sits back and does nothing. And maybe that is true, I don't know. But if it's true, then I can't imagine why you'd stay in this relationship. Also, if you feel you're superior to her, a "better catch" than she is, it's very likely she sees that come through in your behavior.