Thread: My boyfriend lost his confidence after losing a fight and it's affecting our sex life

*Sorry for being new and asking such a long/in-depth question. I've never really used many internet forums before, but I just don't know where else to turn for help and my girlfriend recommended this site. Thank you for all the replies/advice/support*

So reluctantly, I agreed to watch my boyfriend's MMA match a few days ago. It's not that I'm non-supportive but he lost his last match and I just don't want to see him get hurt. Anyways, I figured what the heck, it might even turn me on to see my boyfriend pound on another man.

The fight starts and I'm sitting right in the front with my friend and we can see everything. Unfortunately, things don't go so well for my boyfriend and he just starts to get pummeled early in the first round. After about a minute in he's not even fighting back anymore. He's just trying to endure the brutal beating he's being dealt. I was scared and had no idea what to do so I just started screaming and cheering for him in hopes he'd start to get some life back in him, but he didn't. The round ends and he looks over at me and he's just a mess and covered in blood. I could see the pain/exhaustion in his eyes and I just couldn't take it. I completely lost it, my girlfriend tried to console me, but it was no use I buried my head in my hands for the rest of the time. The second round started and the other fighter had my boyfriend sprawled out on the canvas, motionless , about 30 seconds into the round. The ref pulled the other guy off and he didn't seem to have a scratch on him, it was a completely one sided domination and I could only imagine how embarrassed my boyfriend felt.

The worst part is that my boyfriend has never seemed to recover from this trauma in the ring. He hasn't been the same since the fight, specifically in the bedroom, and I can just tell his confidence/ego is badly damaged. Usually he's amazing in bed and knows exactly how to get me hot and work my body, but now it's like he's almost lost all his passion and sexual prowess. Instead of taking the lead like he normally does he's been hesitating and seems very tentative. Normally, we're big on foreplay, but he just doesn't seem into it anymore. Could it be that he just feels embarrassed being intimate with me because I saw him getting beaten so badly (His lowest point)?

I have no idea what to do, I haven't been able to reach an orgasm in weeks and I don't think the sex is very pleasurable for him either. He actually asked me if I was faking an orgasm the last time we had sex (I did, I couldn't bear to crush his ego further and get him thinking he's a dud in bed as well as the ring) and I had to lie, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the charade up.

Also, this issue has been affecting me as well. I just don't seem to be turned on by him as much anymore. I think after seeing him get dismantled like that in the ring I just can't see him as the dominant, alpha male, masculine figure he's been in our relationship. He always just had a way of taking control and making me feel comfortable/secure, especially in bed. It's like I had an illusion of what he was and it was just shattered after the fight. Maybe if he hadn't lost so badly things would be different, but when I picture him motionless, face own on the canvas it feels like what he experienced was not merely a loss, but more of an emasculation.

Anyone, know what I could do to help out our relationship in this situation?. Sex is such an important part of the relationship to both of us and I just want to get things back to normal. I'm not even sure how to begin approaching, this even from a talking it out perspective. The situation just seems so delicate to me. I was hoping maybe some other women on this site have experienced something similar and could give me some advice on how to get things back on track.

Also, how did you feel in this situation, is it normal to feel what I'm feeling? How do you feel when your man losses a fight? What are your feelings towards the man who beat him? Is it normal to experience trouble in the bedroom after a loss? What can I do before a fight to give my man a better shot at winning the next one? (sex/no sex/oral/any type of specific acts/fantasies or just general encouragement tips?)

Even if don't have answers to everything (I don't expect you to) any support/helpful advice would be greatly appreciated, I want to get this sorted out before it begins to cause more problems in our relationship!

Thank you very much for taking the time to help out!.

Sorry, again for the detailed explanation I just wanted to explain everything as best as I could so you guys have the best shot at being able to help.

Maybe this is the opportunity to change the idea that love making is related to some sort of performance metrics. (how long, how many, etc...)

When a person is involved in combat sport or business, it's only a matter of time before you come across adversity.
Depending on how you survive the adversity, you may be victorious, but you also know you had to summon something extra in you.

Him losing his confidence is normal. Professional athletes have the right type of support (psychological, physical) for a reason.

Moving forward, he might need to consider not f*** living of you anymore, but rather make love you instead. (tantric practices might help).
And work with a psychologist specialised in following athletes.

Good Luck !
V.

You mention feeling differently about him after seeing him lose the fight. You might think you are hiding that well.. but perhaps he has picked up on the vibe that you don't see him as the man you saw him before.

Sit and think about that for a while. Think about WHY you would see him as less than a man because he lost a fight, lost it badly... even the toughest fighters in the world take their beatings, get laid out.

I think if you work on how YOU feel first... you'll be able to help him feel better. He probably fears you see him differently and right at this moment... that fear would not be incorrect... I don't see how you can make him feel better about it, until you figure out how to feel better about it first.

Whether you are trying to or not, the look in your eyes, the way you speak to him, your mannerisms may have changed and he's probably noticed that. So I think it would be in your best interest... if you really love this man... to try to shake this notion that in order for a man to be a man he has to pummel another man... and if another man gets the better of him he loses his man card. Its rediculous.

Its like him thinking of you as the sexiest thing in the world... that you rock a dress like no other woman ever could... then you guys go out together and he see's a woman in a dress you wear and she is wearing it BETTER than you... she fills it out better... her curves more pow, her waist smaller... and him thinking hm..... i do not have the sexiest chick... there is sexier. I just can't see my girl as the sexiest woman now that i have seen in person someone be sexier than her.

No one wants their love to be that shallow, so find a way to see him as the man you always saw him as, it will show on your face and shine in your treatement of him... and he will remember how he use to feel... how you used to help make him feel.

Hopeless Dork pretty much took the words right out of my mouth :-) I totally agree. You need to figure out WHY your views of him has changed. Guys are more intuitive and perceptive than we give them credit for. I am sure he has noticed some change. And Hopeless Dork's analogy of a sexier chick was perfect. AS women, we would definitely pick up if our man was acting differently toward us. You might think you are hiding your feelings well, but I bet your man has picked up on the change in your mannerism toward him and I almost guarantee that affects him even more than the fight did.

Try to sort out your feelings first, then you will be able to help him out much more. Make him feel sexy, make him feel like he is the man that you still want, he is also probably humiliated that you saw him get pummeled, too.

And I also agree with Hopeless Dork.... Even the best fighters have their bad days! Have you watched UFC? Even the best titles can get their butts kicked every now and then.

Thanks for the replies hopeless dork, asiangrace, and virgile.

To clarify a bit when I said "I just don't feel the same way about him anymore" I meant that purely about my attraction to him. I really love my boyfriend deeply and that would never change, no matter how badly he was pummeled. He's still the same person on the inside. The problem is the things that get me turned on by him in bed have to do with the attraction I have to him. It's certainly not all physical either I just really miss how confident he was, how he was able to take charge in the bedroom. It was clear who was calling the shots we both loved it. He had that strong, masculine, alpha male vibe, almost to the point of being cocky/arrogant in the bed and it drove me crazy. Unfortunately, just being honest here, it's hard to retain that strong, confident, alpha male image of your man after he experiences such a crushing defeat. I know everyone loses but in other sports it seems like it's much easier to have a bad day in other sports, like if you miss your swings in tennis, or your shots in basketball, but in a fight everything just seems much more primal and absolute. It was clear to me, when I was watching, that the other fighter was dominating my boyfriend in every way. Their wasn't really a question as to who was stronger, more confident, ect, it was readily apparent.

I've seen televised UFC fights before and while it's not always a very close fight, usually by the end, both guys have at least taken a decent amount of damage, and the fights that do end quickly are usually with what seems like lucky punches/kicks or submissions. What my boyfriend experienced was just a complete and utter beating, their wasn't really any solace to be taken from it. I do admire his perseverance because he could have easily just thrown in the towel at the end of the first round, that's how bad things were. He could barely get to his feet at all to start the second round, which is why I couldn't bear to watch. I didn't want to see him get hurt anymore, and I just couldn't stand seeing my strong, proud, and confident man be reduced to heap of bloody flesh on the ring floor. I wanted to scream to his corner to stop the fight so badly, even in the first round, but I didn't want to embarrass him further so I just sat there and tried to bear it as best I could.

I've definitely made attempts to look past it though. I mean the night of the loss I knew he was going to be a wreck physically/mentally so when we got home I pretended to go straight to bed. When he got opened the bedroom door he saw me sprawled out on the bed in my sexiest lingerie. He came to bed and I started performing oral sex on him(He normally LOVES it!!), but he just seemed so indifferent and just asked me to stop. I was planing on absolutely rock his world that night to help boost his confidence back up, but I realized he was probably just exhausted, sore, and probably still a bit embarrassed about the loss so I didn't make a big deal about it and went to sleep. I tried to initiate sex again the next night and he had a similar reaction. I didn't really think it was a big deal still, but I figured I'd just let him make the first move (since that's how we both prefer it anyways). We eventually had sex for the first time after the fight about a week later and it was awful. It seemed like the life had been sucked out of him. His thrusts were weak/shallow and he didn't even bother to caress my breasts or kiss me at all, like he usually does, while making love. Their was virtually no foreplay and it ended so quickly, he didn't even want to cuddle after-wards. Maybe because he knew the sex was bad? I didn't say anything obviously, especially because it was our first time having making love since the incident. I just basically layed their and pretended to climax (He didn't even have me close) because as I mentioned earlier I didn't want him to think he was a loser in the ring AND a dud in the bedroom. Unfortunately, things have just gotten worse and his obvious loss of confidence/lack of interest just makes me feel even less attracted to him sexually. We've already gone from having sex about 4-5 times per week to 2-3 and I fear it's only going to get worse.

I've tried to talk to him about what his feelings are about the fight and everything, but he just seems too ashamed to go back to that day. Maybe I should be the one to spill my guts? Also, I'm trying to think of any way I can coax him back into his confident self in bed. He's not really too into it when I take control, and I figure it would probably be better if he takes the initiative in this case. I've always been a little hesitant to let him perform anal on me, but maybe now is the time? Maybe while I'm faking an orgasm I could start to beg him for anal? That way it seems like he's still taking the lead, and maybe he'll feel more confident in my sexual attraction to him since I'm finally letting him explore my entire body?

OK, so let's break this down:
-He lost a fight that you happened to be watching
-It crushed his ego and made him feel less confident
-His lack of confidence after the fight made you feel less attracted to him
-He has picked up on that even though you tried to hide it and that damaged him even more
-This carries over to the bedroom and he doesn't perform the way he used to
-The passion and attraction dwindles even more
-He feels even worse
Repeat from #4 down.

So, bottom line, he needs to build his confidence back up and he needs to know that you feel the same way about him no matter what the outcome of a fight or anything else he does. I don't think your attraction to him changed because he lost a fight, I think it changed because he doesn't have the confidence he used to have. You should let him know how you still feel about him, help him build his confidence back up. All athletes lose sometimes, it comes with the territory. There's no reason why this has to carry over into his personal life, it's just a sport, you win some you lose some. Yeah, it's a hit to one's ego when they lose, but he needs to just get back up, train harder for the next fight which will help build confidence, get back in there and try again. He needs to know that you support him no matter what happens. When he has his confidence back, hopefully your attraction to him will return and will carry over to the bedroom. Seriously, the outcome of a sporting event should not affect someone's personal life. Just because he lost a fight, that does not change who he is as a man. Remind him of that, let us know what happens.