Need to get some advice on how to fix an issue

**Snowfoxx** · 01-06-2011 03:51 PM

Here's a bit of history. We've been married for 20 years, have one great 17 y-o son, and are fairly healthy in most aspects. We are in our mid-40s, and I'm in the perimenopausal phase, so my libido has dropped a bit, but that is not really my issue, since I'm very quick to orgasm, and therein lies the problem.

My husband still has the libido of a 17 y-o, but has other issues with sex. He has no trouble getting in the mood, is erect pretty much on command, but he has trouble finding release with me. Not because he finds me unattractive, but because he releases me so often, my vaginal muscles become loose, and we lose friction and he cannot ejaculate, even if he has had several dry releases. He becomes overheated after about 15 minutes of actual intercourse, and cannot find release. The overheating occurs even in the winter. I feel inadequate because it seems I have not done enough to get him his to his release.

Our relationship is healthy and open, and he has the option to persue other partners, even males, as he is bisexual. As long as any potential partners are clean, he can do what he wants, because I trust him to come home to me. We have been this way since our first year of marriage. He does not use this option, though, due to the fact that we live in a small town, and the closest place to find any kind of social clubs is an hours' drive away. He says that anal sex would be best to make him find release, but I find it painful for me. Oral sex takes even longer than vaginal sex, and sometimes he still does not find release.
Is the problem on my end or on his end? Do I need to find a way to stay tighter longer? Do we need to make love in freezing cold weather? So many issues here.
I do have lymphedema, and my feet hurt after being on them at work for many hours, but that pain seems to get in the way only occasionally.
I'm tired of trying to figure out how to make sure he finds release without causing me pain. How do I do this?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-06-2011 04:35 PM

Have you experimented with different positions?

For instance, doggy style where he can see all of you, may turn him on more, by visual and consequently ejaculate...

Are you adverse to stopping after 5 minutes, or so and touching him, in various ways, allowing him to then re-enter and finishing him by hand and tongue?

Have you tried stimulating his glands around his anus?

Have you let him masterbate towards the end, with you watching, whilst touching his balls and glands around his anus?

And, have to ask, does he frequently masterbate or watch porn...as this can cause erections but stop a man from cumming inside a woman as he's used to his hand...

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-06-2011 04:48 PM

Don't forget that sex has a big psychological issue. What does he fantasize about? Maybe there are things you can do (role play and such) that both of you would enjoy. Fantasies don't need to be complicated - often just a few hints to support the fantasy. Does he want you as his "sex slave", or maybe to lightly dominate him? Pretend to be someone else? There are lots of harmless fantasies that could be fun to act out.

Is he able to tell you what he really wants, or is he too shy?

**JustHormonious** · 01-06-2011 05:48 PM

I have to agree with rcoreyus, this could very well be a psychological issue. If your husband is bisexual and not fulfilling those needs, that's the underlying issue. I don't know how much role play would help in this situation, the one thing you can't be is a male. I don't think it has anything thing to do with you personally or physically. How long has it been since your husband has been with a male? Does he watch porno? If so what type?

**vancityguy** · 01-06-2011 07:08 PM

as a guy whose has this issue let me tell you why i didn't "release" and what would have helped. I used to see this girl my friend set me up with and we decided it was time to hit the bedroom together...now im not a small guy down there, but it was NOT a tight fit...i still found her attractive but the physical sensation of a warm TIGHT love muscle around my shaft wasnt there...i had to lie to her and say i had something on my mind and jsut didnt want to continue. this happened a couple of time before i realised it was in fact her not me. my girlsfriend now is tight and i have no trouble getting off....im sure youve heard of "KEGELS" before??? if not...imagine you are taking a pee and you had to stop the flow mid way...that muscle you tense up to stop peeing is your kegel muscle..sorry for not know how to spell it properly. but you can actually train this muscle to tighten. sitting in your car to work, walking, on the couch, DURING SEX! do repatitions of the contractions at a time up to 100 a day, and 200 for the week after and 400 each day the week after and so on....withing 2weeks youl notice your vaginal muscles inside have developed to the point you can squeeze his shaft while hes inside, my girlfriend does this to me and its simply amazing...especially while im cumming she will squeeze and hold me in...WOW is all i can say to it....if hes bi sexual thats not the problem cuase he like BOTH...try these exercises of squeezing holding for 5seconds and relasing up to 100 times...if it doesnt work...ateast you've gotten a new trick anyways!

**Snowfoxx** · 01-06-2011 07:09 PM

Okay, simple things here, the main problems are that he gets overheated and I get loose from too many orgasms. I know it is strange that I should be able to respond so quickly, but he almost always gives me multiple orgasms, so I go loose. He worked as a webdesigner for years building pay-for porn sites, so he does not watch porn, with the exception of hentai, but only occasionally. He does have a slight fetish for stockings and glasses, but due to my lymphedema, I cannot wear the hose, and I already wear the glasses.

we just need to fix the looseness and the heat issues. What can tighten me up? What can cool him down so he can finish?

**JustHormonious** · 01-06-2011 07:13 PM

Have you ever done kegel exercises? This would definitely help with the looseness issue.

**Snowfoxx** · 01-06-2011 08:25 PM

I have tried kegels, but it seems that I have just not been doing them enough. We'll see what happens, and get back to you, KTHXBAI!

**waya** · 01-06-2011 11:21 PM

There are quite a few different types of exercisers that might help them develop more quickly.

**jns** · 01-06-2011 11:31 PM

A lot of it is psychological: he didn't orgasm the last time so he puts more pressure on himself the next time.

What happens when he overheats, does he lose his erection? I do when I overheat. Try positions that don't require a lot of physical movement on his part. Some spooning positions can work for that. Also, try doggy style with you flat on the bed, where you can tighten your butt and leg muscles to provide additional tightness. Or a similar position with both on your side, using pillows to match up.