Asking someone to accommodate your kinks

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-07-2011 02:08 PM

I am just talking about the extreme parts here. Anal, choking, big dildo and DP, things like that (which I mentioned there nothing wrong with) might scare away the guy who's looking at a serious relationship. It's OK to love sex but some people get the wrong perception about other who are into those things.

There are girls you know from the start are serious relationship material and then there are the others where anything goes. Dating the anything goes girls are awesome, but It might be troublesome some day to realize that you married the girl that you and your friends gangbanged in a cheap motel one night.

Gippy

Your talking to women here....Your suggesting it's okay to date, "loose" women, that will be wild, adventurous and show you a good time, in your words, "awesome".... But, then you suggest that "all" women that are like this would have been with your friends, maybe multiple friends...

You know....it is often a man that brings a girl out of the closet... A man who says, "it's okay" to be yourself, have no inhibitions, two people together in a committed relationship, can be themselves....and so she does...She, like you has fantasies, some are extreme, some are not, pending on maybe up-bringing or more so, how she perceives the beauty of freedom, being herself...

We can't put this into a category.....if she's kinky she's been around, if she's not then she hasn't...

All men would be so happy if their woman was hungry to just give a BJ, not wanting anything in return, just because they love the look of their man and want it.

Does that put her in the category of she must have been doing that all her life, I hope that no one I know, she's been with? See where I see / feel your going with this?

I so remember this at High School, the talk of the tough girls, that had had sex, and the comments of the boys....

I may be wrong in the way I read that.

However, what I also read, is true.....Two people must take things slow in all aspects, get to know each other, fall in love with each other and then be able to discuss with each other, what they would like to "learn" , "do" which they have done before, or "try" which they have never tried..

And, then your last comment

I think that's a fear for alot of men....but it's like everything sex is only one component of a relationship, one...

And, too many people have sex, chemistry, stay in that relationship and at some point, say hey we are mis-matched....be in sexual or otherwise...

My wife and I started slow, normal sex after dating for a while. Eventually the hair pulling, spanking and rough play worked itself into the game, which eventually led to handcuffs and pocket rockets.

The point I think your desperately trying to make, all be it, some sentences sound a little, catergotic, is take it slow and let you both as partners, get to know each other and love each other and then anything goes....

However, again,

what if your wife had done this before with every man she encountered in her past and one of those people, you know?

Doesn't make her anything....other than trusting.....

CW

**KDia03** · 01-07-2011 02:12 PM

I appreciate all of your commentary, but I DEFINATELY disagree with you, Gippy11. You're also making a lot of rash assumptions about my relationship with my boyfriend- which is otherwise, as I stated, very loving, very committed, and we're both very much in this for the long haul. He does respect me, and he does consider me a serious romantic partner, and aside from these curiousities... our sex life is fantastic! I don't think he has any of the issues you've described. And also, my dildo is HARDLY that big, so sorry if I ruined your fantasy there, bub.

You're right that he might be a little uncertain due to the fact that he doesn't have "experience" outside of me, but I don't think any of his hesitations play into his feelings about my CHARACTER. It is natural for someone to be hesitant when trying something new in bed! That's not anything you can use to gauge how he feels about me as a human being. My kinky interests don't make me a "bad" person. They're something I do or would like to do in bed! That's all. I'm sorry that you can't see that a woman is worth much more then just her sexuality.

I've also only had one other romantic partner. ROMANTIC PARTNER. Which was another longterm relationship... If you knew me, you'd know I am a very monogamous, committed person. I'm hardly the (edit)you seem to describe.

**Texinator** · 01-07-2011 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by KDia03

I wonder if I am being selfish for wanting more?

You're not being selfish. Everyone has the right to sexual satisfaction, and even if you are already happy with your sex life the way it is, there's nothing wrong with wanting to explore more.

However, rather than have a long discussion about all those interests, I'd recommend that you start with the interest you think he'd be most willing to explore with you. Start in the "shallow end" of the "kink pool," if you will. Then, over time, you can start adding the riskier stuff, and working your way up to the things you think he'd object to most. Also, right now, it's easy for both of you to say that there are certain things he'd never want to try, but the thing is that we discover something new about ourselves all the time, and he might feel differently once he has expanded his sexual interests some more.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-07-2011 03:50 PM

KD...

Have to write that, as that's the name of one of my rabbits

Your not at all being selfish....Your open to experiment and you've seen things via porn that your curious about....You understand some of the things your interested in as a fantasy won't happen and your okay with that.....

I agree with Tex, there would be one or two he'd go with

Slowly slowly kills the monkey as they say......

PS: The poster was not attacking you personally, or being judgemental to you personally or else he would be warned...It more appears to be as I posted, a category thing in general which we disagree on.... and that's okay, people have their own thoughts, it doesn't always match with our thoughts....

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-07-2011 05:35 PM

For what its worth, I would have only positive feelings about a partner who was sexually adventurous and almost nothing they could as for would lower my opinion of them. On the other hand, there are some "kinky" things that I would not want to do, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wanted things I wasn't willing to do - I would think it would lead to long term unhappiness.

I guess I see a 4 tiered set of things:

1. "Kinky" things that I would enjoy and would be happy to do given the chance. (Lots of things here: bondage, light S+M, anal, role playing, etc).

2. "Kinky" things that don't particularly appeal to me, but that I would be happy to do if my partner wanted. (cross-dressing, some types of "domination" play, etc. )

3. "Kinky" things that I'm not willing to do, but which I don't think badly of someone else for wanting. (S+M with serious pain, needles, human waste, humiliation play, male bisexuality).

4 "Kinky" things that would make me think less of another person. (Play that intentionally causes lasting harm, sex with an unwilling partner or a child, sex involving real deception, etc).

Different people will have different lists, each is welcome to their own. If the things you really want are not on your partner's #1/2 list, then there may be unhappiness.

As far as telling the other person, probably best to bring in one "kink" at a time.

**LilahX** · 01-08-2011 04:06 AM

Personally I believe that he is unreceptive to any of your desires now, he is not going to change. Some people, due to upbringing. moral beliefs and a myriad of other reasons, are just into 'vanilla' sex and have no interest in venturing past that. You are lucky that you know what you enjoy and aren't afraid to let yr partner know. I think that bringing topics like these out into the open early into a r/ship is vital as once you're 'in deep' emotionally it becomes a lot harder to admit to having 'kinks' as there is the fear you may push your partner away.

Sexual compatability shouldn't be underestimated as it can be a r/ship killer. You are not being selfish. You are being yourself and should be congratulated on that. Find a partner who is your sexual equal.

**rcoreyus** · 01-08-2011 10:20 AM

LilahX makes good points. A couple will be MUCH happier if they are sexually compatible.

**WildChild** · 01-08-2011 11:57 AM

It seems like a lot has been read into many of these posts. I think part of what Gippy is saying is to take it slow. I can understand his thinking because I would have similar concerns about a man, if he was player and very widely experienced in the world of kink, especially when you are younger. This can work two ways; they have done their experimenting and now know what they want, which is a good thing or they are a confirmed player. You have to assess and judge. Often people will tell you and we don't want to believe them. We think they will settle down or settle for a more limited experience.

As you get older it kind of reverses, you expect a 40+ to have had a wider range of experience. Personally I'm not up for the 40 yr old virgin thing.
The OP is a little cagey, other than the choking, nothing she has described would really fit my definition of kinky, (its just dangerous) but if you are adventuresome, you need a partner who will share that with you. Taking it slow, introducing things one at a time, is a good way to go.

**Gippy11** · 01-10-2011 09:23 AM

I'm going to try to address some of the things redirected back at me. First let me state that in no way am I trying to offend anyone. I'm just trying to give a perspective from the other side of the tracks.

As far as KDIA (original thread starter).
I appreciate all of your commentary, but I DEFINATELY disagree with you, Gippy11. You're also making a lot of rash assumptions about my relationship with my boyfriend- which is otherwise, as I stated, very loving, very committed, and we're both very much in this for the long haul. He does respect me, and he does consider me a serious romantic partner, and aside from these curiousities... our sex life is fantastic! I don't think he has any of the issues you've described. And also, my dildo is HARDLY that big, so sorry if I ruined your fantasy there, bub.
This wasn't stated in the original post and I really wish you luck on your relationship going forward. As far as your dildo goes

, I was just trying to state that it might be a bit overwhelming for someone who has never expierenced watching someone they really love go to work with any size/type of dildo. Bottom line is just take it on the slow side so not to overwhelm your boyfriend and possibly scare him away. Establish the love that you both have for each other and in the long run you would think he would be open for more expiermentation becuase he will ultimately want to make you happy.

See the thing with me was, that I kind of had expectations of the beginings of my relationships. Not that I believe in love at first sight, but I really believe that you (or at least I knew) very early in relationships which ones were going to be serious and which ones weren't. Obviously I would push the envelope on the non serious ones and let the serious ones develop reguardless on the time frame.

Also I want to state that everyones age/up bringing has a little to do with everyones thought process. I'm 38, so while sex wasn't exactly taboo when I was growing up but it was definitely looked upon much different than it is now. I remember when I was younger seeing a girls underwear was a big deal. Now from listening to teanagers anything less than a BJ is laughed upon these days. There was no internet a sex wasn't nearly as open/accesable as it is today. So I kind of had semi old fashion values/ideas reguarding sex/marriage because of the way that I was brought up.

So back to "those" girls that I mentioned. I would push the envolope as far as it would go knowing that in the long run I wasn't going to be with her. I enjoyed my time with these girls very much. Most of those relationships usually turned into a Fbuddy or friends with benifits relationships. All I was looking to get out of these relationships was as much crazy insane kinky sex as I could. In my own warped (and I admit that I guess my thinking is very flawed) mind I figured as long as I had some crazy expierences/stories to tell one day I would eventually be fine when I met a girl that I really cared about. Almost like going out when you are younger, I got that and all the sexual mischief out of my system and I would play the cards in the future as they were dealt. I did luck out as I love my wife very much and have no complaints (other than her nagging about me painting).

Your suggesting it's okay to date, "loose" women, that will be wild, adventurous and show you a good time, in your words, "awesome".... But, then you suggest that "all" women that are like this would have been with your friends, maybe multiple friends...

You know....it is often a man that brings a girl out of the closet... A man who says, "it's okay" to be yourself, have no inhibitions, two people together in a committed relationship, can be themselves....and so she does...She, like you has fantasies, some are extreme, some are not, pending on maybe up-bringing or more so, how she perceives the beauty of freedom, being herself...
So CW I wasn't suggesting that some of these girls would be with my friends, I was saying that I would have a tough time knowing that my friends and I were all with the girl at the same time in a really extreme situation which has happened to me a few times and then finding myself in a long term relationship with this same girl.
As far as the serious relationships go, obviously it's great to communicate and interact with your partner. All I was trying to say was go slowly, because it could be very intimidating for a guy/girl not ready for something on the kink side. Like I stated my wife and I took it slow and it continued to get better/wilder as we got older together. Of course with a couple of kids around now, the handcuffs, blindfolds and vibrators have been put out to pasture. But it's more physical now as it has ever been.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-10-2011 03:37 PM

I get now more so what you are saying, words over the net can come across differently.........

I am a tad older than you, and remember those days, and I agree with opening the door slowly, my saving grace probably was that in 3 years, I had one long distance and then one who cares one month fling, so loads of months alone....that helped I believe with my current relationship, or else the little cheekiness in me, would be perceived as every man before me got that...

It's funny actually, I held back a lot in marriage, as he was kind of all women are.........yet I held back before that too thinking okay, hold some of you back for your one day to be husband...

Now my fiance benefits from it all

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