Thread: Asking someone to accommodate your kinks

Hi, everyone.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and our sex life is pretty well established. We both have high sex drives- mine a bit higher then his, I believe. If I could, I would have sex everyday. My boyfriend does his best to satisfy me, and I him. However, I think of the two of us... I have a much higher interest in - well, frankly - 'kinky' sex.

I'm not sure how to tell my boyfriend the extent of my interests, although I've mentioned some of them a few times. He's either expressed his lack of interest, disapproval, or fear (choking, his receiving anal), or claimed he wasn't in "any rush" at all to reach that point (my receiving anal sex, simulated double penetration with sex toy). He knows that I tend to look at rather ... interesting porn, as I've discussed it many times to see his feelings on certain things. Like "pretend" rape, light bondage (handcuffs, collars, blindfolds), etc.

I've tried to be very receptive to his interests, such as taking photographs and videos, and "outdoor scenes", and I've even encouraged his light foot fetish... but I'm not sure how to ask him to do to the same. It seems selfish of me to ask him to be in discomfort satisfying my sexual needs, since I've always been perfectly okay, or slightly curious myself, when it came to exploring his interests! I know some of these he will never do, but some of them I am curious to try and experience with him. I completely trust him, so he is the only partner I would want to explore my curiosities with.

Otherwise, he is a good and receptive partner. He was patient with me when I was afraid of receiving oral sex due to some trauma from a past partner, and is willing to listen to me. Even long after he is finished, he is more then willing to help me until I'm satisfied. On all of these accounts, I can say that he is more then wonderful to me in bed. I wonder if I am being selfish for wanting more? He doesn't mind when I talk about women, or what porn I look at, and he even went to a sex shop with me when I bought my first sex toy! So...

I'm not quite sure what I'm here to ask, but any advice would be lovely. Thank you!

Have you ever told him you'd like to try double penetration with him and a sex toy ?? Thats really not that far out out. Do you think he would object to it ??

There are some people who just don't like kinky sex. He sounds like a nice guy and a very giving lover, but maybe this just isn't his thing. I know that isn't what you want to hear since you are interested in trying all of those things. You can keep asking nicely, and offering to fulfill whatever fantasies that he has, but if he really doesn't like this sort of thing you may be stuck.

BTW: absolutely nothing wrong with kinky - lots of people DO enjoy the sort of things you list (though be VERY careful with choking - its quite a dangerous game), but some just don't. I also like that sort of thin, but my wife is absolutely uninterested in kinky.

The thing about *most* guys...(the good ones anyway lol) is that they actually really do want to sexually satisfy their s.o. Carlos Mencia (comedian) makes this great joke about how girls , you can never be 'too dirty, too kinky' etc... that you may think something is weird but if it involves your guy getting laid at the end of it all, he will sport a chicken suit lol... if thats what you need to get off... in most cases thats pretty true.

I've got my own kinks , and you never really want to lay them out on your boyfriend in one sitting... its too much to take haha. Rather than give him a laundry list of things you want to try , which can be overwelming , pick one new thing every once in a while... just the one... throw it in to conversation, how much it turns you on (the thought of him doing it) and then ask if you guys can try it, that it makes you so excited, and if either of you don't like it... its a one -off.. no harm no foul.

I think you'd be way more likely to start getting those things you need if you request them in small doses rather than saying i want to try this and this and this and this and he's like ackkkk lol

I personally think that your boyfriend really likes you and is afraid to go any further because he might lose respect for you (not that there is anything wrong for what you are asking). I remeber when I dated someone who I didn't think I would be with for the long run, anything went. But when I dated someone I really liked, it seemed like the rules changed a bit. It is truely an unfair standard that I have, but it was my personal hang up. Maybe your boyfriend has a similar issue.

Originally Posted by Gippy11

I personally think that your boyfriend really likes you and is afraid to go any further because he might lose respect for you (not that there is anything wrong for what you are asking). I remeber when I dated someone who I didn't think I would be with for the long run, anything went. But when I dated someone I really liked, it seemed like the rules changed a bit. It is truely an unfair standard that I have, but it was my personal hang up. Maybe your boyfriend has a similar issue.

Many guys do not feel like you do... and I really don't think the way you feel is healthy for a long term relationship, at least not a sexually satisfying one. I think the guys that feel similar to you are the same ones that end up cheating to get their needs met, or end up on a forum like this talking about how disatisfied they are with their sex lives because they married a woman that doesn't like sex... (probably out of some feeling like yours that a wife must be a puritan).

Long term relationships, faithful, committed ones...should be passionate... I mean if this is the only person you are going to have sex with, why not have it be the best sex ever. Hang ups, unfair standards may serve the ego... but won't serve either partner sexually.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Many guys do not feel like you do... and I really don't think the way you feel is healthy for a long term relationship, at least not a sexually satisfying one. I think the guys that feel similar to you are the same ones that end up cheating to get their needs met, or end up on a forum like this talking about how disatisfied they are with their sex lives because they married a woman that doesn't like sex... (probably out of some feeling like yours that a wife must be a puritan).

Long term relationships, faithful, committed ones...should be passionate... I mean if this is the only person you are going to have sex with, why not have it be the best sex ever. Hang ups, unfair standards may serve the ego... but won't serve either partner sexually.

Please show me where I said that I am unhappy with my sex life. Actually after 10 years of marriage, I can't believe how good it is (except for maybe not enough of it). It has gotten so much more passionate and physical from the beginning. But I have to admit that if my wife somewhere in the infancy of a relationship (and a year is still very early in the game) started asking my to do DP and various other extreme methods I might have had a different reaction/feeling towards her.

All I was stating is that maybe this guy has real serious feelings for the girl and has trouble accepting that she really wants to do some extreme things that he might have never done before. He might even think of them as taboo. Guys want to believe that the girls that they end up falling in love with and want to have their children aren't freaky sexual crazed nymps no matter what they tell you. Those girls are great to date, but long term many guys have issues with that.

Originally Posted by Gippy11

Guys want to believe that the girls that they end up falling in love with and want to have their children aren't freaky sexual crazed nymps no matter what they tell you. Those girls are great to date, but long term many guys have issues with that.

Thats a great attitude for guys that want a vanilla sex life.. missionary in the dark with their saintly wives... I don't disagree that there are some men that would live a very happy life like that... but maybe their wife would be pining for spice? Who knows.

I am just stating that to make a long term relationship keep the spark going, new and fun stuff should be introduced if both parties are open to it. If the guy genuinly wants a bj, and the girl genuinly wants to give it... both of them not getting what they want so that they can keep the illusion that she's a good girl...well they'd both be missing out to keep up appearances -- to who? No one should know what goes on in their bedroom.

To say a woman breaking out a paddle on the first date might make a guy not deem her marriage material is an obvious statement... I'm talking about long term relationships here.. I'm talking about faithful committed relationships between two people that have established love, trust and respect -- that in that sort of bond, having hang ups about whether or not her doing something would make her 'less' in his eyes, even if he wants them... serves no one.

Originally Posted by Gippy11

Those girls are great to date, but long term many guys have issues with that.

I don't understand why they would. I date for the sake of finding a long term relationship, not to just mess around, and I say give me a freaky sexual crazed nymp any day. What difference does it make to the relationship what she likes to do in the bedroom? Is a kinky woman somehow less capable of a loving and committed long term relationship than one that is into more "standard" sex?

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Thats a great attitude for guys that want a vanilla sex life.. missionary in the dark with their saintly wives... I don't disagree that there are some men that would live a very happy life like that... but maybe their wife would be pining for spice? Who knows.

I am just stating that to make a long term relationship keep the spark going, new and fun stuff should be introduced if both parties are open to it. If the guy genuinly wants a bj, and the girl genuinly wants to give it... both of them not getting what they want so that they can keep the illusion that she's a good girl...well they'd both be missing out to keep up appearances -- to who? No one should know what goes on in their bedroom.

To say a woman breaking out a paddle on the first date might make a guy not deem her marriage material is an obvious statement... I'm talking about long term relationships here.. I'm talking about faithful committed relationships between two people that have established love, trust and respect -- that in that sort of bond, having hang ups about whether or not her doing something would make her 'less' in his eyes, even if he wants them... serves no one.

Please don't exxagerate. Obviously vanillia doesn't meanmissionary in the dark. Relationships like that usually go down in flames anyway.
All I am trying to say is that it might be too much too early for this guy in the very early part of a relationship. I am just talking about the extreme parts here. Anal, choking, big dildo and DP, things like that (which I mentioned there nothing wrong with) might scare away the guy who's looking at a serious relationship. It's OK to love sex but some people get the wrong perception about other who are into those things. Especially if he has never expierenced things like this in his past. All of a sudden he will find himself in the deep end of the water with the girl he thinks he loves watching her get popped in the can with a 2 foot dildo. It can be a bit intimitaing and might scar the poor guy for the rest of his life. Take it slow with him and hopefully he will adapt and enjoy things like that. If not move on to someone who will enjoy extreme acts.

Originally Posted by Tex

I don't understand why they would. I date for the sake of finding a long term relationship, not to just mess around, and I say give me a freaky sexual crazed nymp any day. What difference does it make to the relationship what she likes to do in the bedroom? Is a kinky woman somehow less capable of a loving and committed long term relationship than one that is into more "standard" sex?

There are girls you know from the start are serious relationship material and then there are the others where anything goes. Dating the anything goes girls are awesome, but It might be troublesome some day to realize that you married the girl that you and your friends gangbanged in a cheap motel one night. As far as the serious girls go, it's kind of a slow moving process that adapts to things on the fly. My wife and I started slow, normal sex after dating for a while. Eventually the hair pulling, spanking and rough play worked itself into the game, which eventually led to handcuffs and pocket rockets.
We took it slow and learned each other likes and dislikes. As opposed to overwhelming one another with requests that might make ones head spin.
To be honest maybe there is also a phobia that a girl that loves sex so much and is so kinky will eventually get tired of whomever she is with, to move on to something different if not better.