Thread: Help needed to break vicious circle

Okay... when you touch her in an intimate way... she immediately thinks then says to you "do you want sex?"... this leads me to assume that you don't touch her in intimate ways that DON'T lead to sex... which is something you might want to start trying. Give her a back massage one night... just relax her body, make her feel good (no i don't mean rub at her shoulders for a minute and walk away) I mean really give her a massage.... then kiss her head and go to sleep. Surprise her by not inniciating sex after touching her... this will make her less resentful of the intimate touches you give her when you do want sex. If she can see that you only want to touch her when you want to orgasm, she will be resentful of your touches... and without those she's likely not to get in the mood.

So the wall that needs to come down is the one where she is afraid for you to get too close to her outside of cuddles -- thinking it ALWAYS means sex... if you can change her idea of that by not always wanting sex when you kiss her, rub her etc... then she will be more likely to be receptive to those advances... and before you know it... after you've been kissing and touching on her for a while... she may very well get in the mood HERSELF... but if she never lets you get to the point where you can even try to do that... she's going to be cold.

Theres a boatload of things she can do to make things better... but since you're the one here... I'm trying to give you tips on how you can try to get things better... and one is being complimentary, being intimate and affectionate at times that sex isn't immediately wanted afterward... so that she walks around feeling wanted and loved and doesn't think the only time you treat her that way is when you want to orgasm.

Do some research on Fuser and Isolator relationships. Your Parents sound like they ran an Isolationist relationship style - this would tend to make you a Fuser. You will instinctively try to put a lot into your relationships. The theory says that a Fuser will pick an Isolator because they provide the relationship dynamic that their parents provided.
It sounds lie your lady is an Isolator.
What Hopeless Dork describes will work but it will take time. What this behaviour will do is raise her Oxytocin levels- and yours.
Oxytocin is a Neuro-hormone that operates separately from learned behavioural patterns. It will change behaviour patterns. It can be manipulated with behaviour like touch ,massage and cuddles. She will be suspicious that you are after sex so you have to avoid sex inducing massage. Feet, neck or Head are safe. If you can get it working you will notice periods were you become overwhelmingly happy - like the feeling you had when you were in love but not with a person but with life itself.
Once you start to get levels raised you will start to become more amorous. Avoid letting things slide into sex.
A problem with Fusers is that they will try to give their Partners fantastic orgasms and this creates a negative effect for for the relationship called the Coolidge effect.
Try to make your lovemaking non-orgasmic for a while- this includes you.
This will probably take months to work but it will work.
Search on cotton-top tamarin and Oxytocin- These Tamarin are lifetime pair bonders and the ones with the best relationships have the highest Oxytocin levels.

Remember do things in a subtle manner like Hopeless-Dork suggests.

Thanks for all the excellent advice guys will reply properly tomorrow when I have more time.

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Did she go to counseling with you? It sounds like you both need to talk to a professional, not just you. There is obviously something going on with her that she's not expressing.

I went to the counselling for my anxiety on my own. We did go to see a therapist regarding our sex life before she fell pregnant with our child, we only done 2 sessions it didn't go well to be honest my girlfriend took a lot of what was said as criticism and broke done into tears. I agree she has some issues in her life that she needs to sort out but in her own time. She is quite against going to see a therapist now.

Originally Posted by WildChild

One thing that comes to mind is that she may feel that the only that you cuddle and such is as a prelude to sex. Forget dad and mom's relationship, or anyone else's, relationships aren't what they were. A lot of women don't want to be rescued by a knight in shiny armour, they want a partner.

Can you sit down with her, in a totally non threatening environment and tell her how much you love her, how much you want to have a loving connected relationship and that you need to know what she wants in a relationship and from you. Women often have trouble communicating this because men can be very unsafe people to be open and honest with - especially if she loves him. Often times men's responses are defensive rather than open to listening and considering. While many men, given some time, will process what has been said and agree that changes need to be made, they often do so after having shut the woman out and down. Then she is no longer receptive because he took so long to get there, having first made it clear that it wouldn't happen, that she has given it up. I've been through this and watched it happen with others. You have to be open to hearing her without defending, arguing, making her wrong or launching into some sort self abuse either. You listen, actually hear, replay her points, "you need me to take more time with the baby?" You don't have to agree or make deals right then, just say, I hear what you are saying, I need some time to absorb this. Then share what your concerns are in a non aggresive or accusatory way. Many times women just don't feel heard and their feelings and atitude can turn around just from that. However its not a one shot deal.

Try backing off on sex and focusing on loving and affection. Take care of a few things without her asking. Loving looks , gentle touchs, a quick shoulder massage and a kiss on the neck without trying to take it any further, just get going to do what you need, just may help start her juces flowing.

Do you have any hobbies? Buddies that you get together with to practice a sport or anything? Or are you hanging around, hoovering over her? Do you ever take the baby out for an afternoon and give her some time to herself?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here, she has mentioned in the passed that she thinks as soon as I cuddle/ kiss her she thinks I want sex and I'll be honest with you I do get horny pretty easy but I suppose I need to work on showing her cuddles and touching and stuff without the sex. I can understand how she would get the impression that sex is all I'm after by the way I have been. This would explain the reason why she hardly ever comes to kiss/cuddle me anymore because she prob believes if she does I will want sex.
Sex is a high priority for me in our relationship and I think somehow that if we are having sex everything is ok in our relationship, maybe this is because my parents barely ever showed eachother any effection.

Would like to say thanks for all the help and advice, any other tips on how I can get us back on track would be great

Originally Posted by WildChild

Do you have any hobbies? Buddies that you get together with to practice a sport or anything? Or are you hanging around, hoovering over her? Do you ever take the baby out for an afternoon and give her some time to herself?

Sorry missed this bit
I have a few friends that I go to the pub with occasionally on an evening but not as much as I'd like. I started up at the gym to get me doing something for me to get her some space as I did see that me hanging around was an issue. I do take the baby out on an odd saturday but again not as much as I would like. I just feel like I'm so busy. Its in my nature To try and do everything and help everyone and I end with not enough time to do everything I'd like to.