Help needed to break vicious circle

**Damoooo** · 01-07-2011 08:27 AM

Hi.

Before I start here's a bit background. Me and my girlfriend have been together 7 years and have 1 child age 2 years, I am 28 she is 24, we have a house and mortgage together, both have stable jobs although I don't think either of us is happy with our job.

Now the problem.
For about 4 years now we have had issues with our sex life. Basically I want it alot and she doesn't. Now I have read alot of threads on here regarding other couples with a similar Issue but instead of blaming her for not wanting it I'm starting to think it's me that has made her not want to be sexual with me thing is I just don't know how to sort it. :/

About the time things became an issue I started to suffer with anxiety basically I was with my girlfriend and broke down into tears for no reason so I went to the dr's who suggested counselling which I went to and completed, I felt better but it came back shortly after I have been to see other counsellors since but I still suffer with it today.
The counsellor thought there were issues with the relationship between myself and my parents in particular my father and I agree, I feel like I got very little from my dad on how to be a man and how to treat your partner and sustain a long relationship hence they divorced when I was 19 which I think effected me a lot more than I thought at the time.
Now my g/f often makes comments that make me feel like maybe she doesn't see me as manly and her knight in shining armour and I wonder if she even believes I would protect her, this upsets me because I want to be those things her. She never comes to me for comfort or kisses me off her own back were as she used to a lot.

This is what happens and it happens regularly.
We will have a nice evening together we will have cuddles etc I will make a move on her and make it obvious I would like to get intimate she will either be not very responsive i.e. not kiss me back or she will sigh andsay something like "do you want sex" I will get annoyed because I feel rejected and we both get upset because this just keeps happening. We have talked about this lots but never come to a solution, she finds it difficult to talk full stop so it doesn't usually go well.
I get the impression she sees me as a liability an extra weight on her shoulders and not as a loving partner who she wants to please, someone she should enjoy life with. I want to change this, any ideas how I can change myself to do this?

She still enjoys sex when we do do it and she comes more often than not, I like her to enjoy it and spend time on getting her turned on it's just getting her in the mood is the problem once we're doing it it's great!

Things were not like this when we met she was very sexual and would come onto me a lot.

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks

**rcoreyus** · 01-07-2011 08:43 AM

There are a number of threads relating to this, might be worth looking. There is a wide range so interest in sex in both men and women, and relationships where people are badly mismatched can be very unhappy. (and usually don't get better)

In addition to the sex issue though it sounds like she doesn't respect you. Unless you have done something to lose her respect, I don't see much that you can do. In the modern world there is little need to "protect" her in a physical sense. Are you there for here when she needs you?

Does she have any specific complaints, or is there any obvious way that you need "improvement"? If not, then I don't know what you can do. Does she want you to take up alligator wrestling to be more "manly"???

Its tough to tell from here, but my guess is that the problem is hers, not yours.

**Damoooo** · 01-07-2011 08:55 AM

Thanks for the quick reply,

I have read a lot of the threads on here and realise some couples are missmatched I have also read people saying that it was poss the way the man was dowager the women that turned things sour.

I should mention she has arthritis and does get tired a lot.
I have also wondered if she doesn't respect me and the only reason I can see is me having anxiety I wonder if she feels she can't ask me for help because I need help if that makes sense :/
I am there for her but whether she feels that I don't know, it's like she never needs me

**Damoooo** · 01-07-2011 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Does she have any specific complaints, or is there any obvious way that you need "improvement"? If not, then I don't know what you can do. Does she want you to take up alligator wrestling.

She says I'm great, she has said I don't listen to her and she tells me I should go out more I agree and I am trying harder to sort this. Other than that no

**sourpuss** · 01-07-2011 09:07 AM

How did it come about that you have a two year old but you've been with her for 7 years? Whatever happened to create that situation could be the root of the problem.

**Damoooo** · 01-07-2011 09:17 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

How did it come about that you have a two year old but you've been with her for 7 years? Whatever happened to create that situation could be the root of the problem.

Hi sorry I don't quite understand what you mean, we were together for 5 years and then decided to have a child

**sourpuss** · 01-07-2011 09:19 AM

Sorry, I read that wrong. I thought you wrote that you (alone) had a child. I misunderstood.

**sourpuss** · 01-07-2011 09:20 AM

Did she go to counseling with you? It sounds like you both need to talk to a professional, not just you. There is obviously something going on with her that she's not expressing.

**pretzel** · 01-07-2011 09:21 AM

My read,

Sometimes couples do go through a period of complacency. I know I have in my first marriage which I'm trying to avoid this time around. Alot of times we don't even realize that we start taking things for granted and our s/o's for granted at the same time. Not to say that is true for you, but try looking at each other's daily schedule and see where and how the two of you try to do those things that make life just a little more interesting and exciting.

Also, I get a sense that at 24 and the mother of a 2yr old, having a job she may not necessarily be happy in, the stress of having the house (any repairs needed that have been put off?), added to both her medical issues as well as your own may be weighing her down some emotionally. This is pretty full plate.

I'm thinking that with all the stressors in both your lives she may be having some temporary self doubt. I can tell (and I'm pretty sure it would be supported here) that the effects of stress and emotional shifts can be as big an intimacy killer than anything you could ever imagine. Just as an aside to this and may be a question that may come up later, but has she gone back on birth control since your child was born. There are a myriad on discussions on the effects of bc both on ones emotional well being as well as the physical side effects. Those should not be discounted by any stretch of the imagination.

Again, I think this may very well be a temporary problem even if it's been a 4 year battle. Maybe the two of you are fighting the wrong enemy?

**WildChild** · 01-07-2011 09:31 AM

One thing that comes to mind is that she may feel that the only that you cuddle and such is as a prelude to sex. Forget dad and mom's relationship, or anyone else's, relationships aren't what they were. A lot of women don't want to be rescued by a knight in shiny armour, they want a partner.

Can you sit down with her, in a totally non threatening environment and tell her how much you love her, how much you want to have a loving connected relationship and that you need to know what she wants in a relationship and from you. Women often have trouble communicating this because men can be very unsafe people to be open and honest with - especially if she loves him. Often times men's responses are defensive rather than open to listening and considering. While many men, given some time, will process what has been said and agree that changes need to be made, they often do so after having shut the woman out and down. Then she is no longer receptive because he took so long to get there, having first made it clear that it wouldn't happen, that she has given it up. I've been through this and watched it happen with others. You have to be open to hearing her without defending, arguing, making her wrong or launching into some sort self abuse either. You listen, actually hear, replay her points, "you need me to take more time with the baby?" You don't have to agree or make deals right then, just say, I hear what you are saying, I need some time to absorb this. Then share what your concerns are in a non aggresive or accusatory way. Many times women just don't feel heard and their feelings and atitude can turn around just from that. However its not a one shot deal.

Try backing off on sex and focusing on loving and affection. Take care of a few things without her asking. Loving looks , gentle touchs, a quick shoulder massage and a kiss on the neck without trying to take it any further, just get going to do what you need, just may help start her juces flowing.

Do you have any hobbies? Buddies that you get together with to practice a sport or anything? Or are you hanging around, hoovering over her? Do you ever take the baby out for an afternoon and give her some time to herself?