Girlfriend has no sex drive. Help!

**jonnyk** · 01-14-2011 03:11 PM

I will try to keep this short and to the point! I have been going out with my current gf for over three years now. We were both virgins and lost our virginity to each other (we were both in our 20s early). Things were great and she would initiate sex many times and would get aroused and very frisky. One thing that threw me off was that she had more interest in pleasing me than receiving pleasure. It was almost always about me and even though that was nice, it would drive me crazy that she didn't me to give her the same pleasure. As time went on, she got bored of just pleasuring me and eventually dreaded and hated any attempt I made at being sexual. In fact, after those first months, in our three year relationship, she has only initiated sex a handful of times (and not for herself - for example, she wanted to have sex in the woods when we were on vacation, but only so she could brag to friends about it).

I am a very observant person and have seen many people with horrible relationships. What my girlfriend and I share is an amazing and rare thing so I stick with it but I am approaching the point to where if things don't change soon, I will need to end it. She is my best friend and we have amazing conversations and share many important values and beliefs and we love being in each others company. I do everything in my power to make her feel comfortable in life. I cook for her, clean the entire house unprovoked, I listen to her and let her know that she is beautiful smart and fun. Quite frankly, I don't think there is more I can do for her without affecting my job! Any time we do have sex, it is because I have to beg her for it. It is impossible for it to be spontaneous with her because she puts it off and just sets a day for it, then complains that we have to schedule sex! It is extraordinarily difficult for me to get her aroused, even a little bit. I have an exceptional amount of patience and love going down on her and touching her body but it is so defeating that nothing I do has any effect. She is very bad at communicating to me what she enjoys and lets it go to the point that, after doing something that she seems to like (its pretty hard to tell with her because she is very unresponsive and uncommunicative), she will say it hurts, but that she let me do it because I enjoyed it (when it was the pleasure I though I was giving her that I enjoyed).

As far as she is concerned, she has never masturbated in her entire life nor ever had an orgasm, and was raised in a very conservative household. I have asked her to try masturbating, but she tells me that its gross. She has also told me that she never needed to masturbate because she always had a guy to play with her. What confuses me is that she has never asked me to pleasure her. Ever. Initially, she really enjoyed being fingered (but she was grossed out by me going down on her - especially kissing me afterward), but now nothing I do turns her on. She is almost asexual now and its driving me crazy.

What makes matter even worse, is that she has a problem with picking pimples (she can do it for hours if I don't stop her). Anytime I try to be romantic and we get close, instead of getting amorous, she scans my face and body for things to pick which as you can imagine completely kills my mood.

Now hear is the interesting part: After some serious relationship trouble and because of stupid things she did, I ended our relationship. I spoke with her later, and we ended up having sex... amazing peel the paint of the wall sex. It was like she was another person. I guess part of it was that she initiated it. Long story short, we are trying to work things out. Something clicked with her and now she can get turned on again. She is trying her best and has initiated sex now, but it seems like it is for my sake and not hers. I am pretty sure she is capable of having an orgasm, but she seems to fight it: recently I was fingering her g-spot and got her to squirt and felt some very strong contractions (was that an orgasm?) but there was no response vocally or physically and the expression she made looked like she was fighting it with all her might. I am at my wits end as to how to open her up. Any help would be appreciated!

I have tried to tell her how I feel. Before she would just get angry at me and tell me to go have sex with other women as long as I don' tell her. I never did that nor do I think I could and tried to explain to her that it was the emotional connection and closes i needed. She seems to understand that now, but is still resistant to exploring her own sexuality. I have let her know that I want to pleasure her and would love to give her an orgasm, but I never push the issue and have told her that if it happens, it happens and to just enjoy the ride and relax. Aside from that, I never mention the word orgasm, but yet she complains that I pressure her too much. As far as I can tell, it seems like anything I do to give he pleasure makes her feel that pressure. Any help in interpreting this would be helpful!

Help!!!

Thank you for your time in reading my post!

**LanaBear** · 01-14-2011 03:35 PM

Is she on birth control? I ask because the pill can do a number on a woman's sex drive.

This is tough because IMO, if a person is not willing to explore themselves, they are not going to be very open to other exploring them. If she thinks masturbation is gross, she may think sex is gross too. Her being raised in a very conservative household, those beliefs and feelings will probably be very difficult to get her to see past. Thinking sex is gross will obviously cause her to not be very interested in sex.

You broke it off, so her initiating it after that doesn't really surprise me. She wanted to show you that she can change, in her mind, even though it was only for a day.

So, how important is sex to you in a relationship? If she doesn't change are you willing to stick around knowing you will potentially always be in this boat? There are some men on this forum who have stuck around, been with their wife for years, have been lucky to have sex a couple of times a year and I'm sure they would tell you if give the choice they wouldn't do it again.

She's got some issues with sex, that is obvious. Is she willing to see a counselor to discuss these issues? BTW, she gets mad when you bring it up because she knows you are right. She knows that if she admits that you are right then it is all on her shoulders to change her behavior.

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

I BTW, she gets mad when you bring it up because she knows you are right. She knows that if she admits that you are right then it is all on her shoulders to change her behavior.

Very well said.

She seems unlikely to change without counseling, you've tried your best. She knows you are right, but at the same time she also knows that if she admits it you'll be gone.

This will only frustrate you more and more with time, it's how she is.

**jns** · 01-14-2011 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

Very well said.

She seems unlikely to change without counseling, you've tried your best. She knows you are right, but at the same time she also knows that if she admits it you'll be gone.

This will only frustrate you more and more with time, it's how she is.

I agree

**Texasred** · 01-15-2011 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by jonnyk

What my girlfriend and I share is an amazing and rare thing...

Not all that rare; read these fora, and you'll find lots of people trapped in awful, unsatisfying relationships; at least you're not married with kids to raise.

Any time we do have sex, it is because I have to beg her for it.

Dude, that is demeaning. For your own self-respect, don't do it.

It is impossible for it to be spontaneous with her because she puts it off and just sets a day for it, then complains that we have to schedule sex! It is extraordinarily difficult for me to get her aroused, even a little bit. I have an exceptional amount of patience and love going down on her and touching her body but it is so defeating that nothing I do has any effect. She is very bad at communicating to me what she enjoys and lets it go to the point that, after doing something that she seems to like (its pretty hard to tell with her because she is very unresponsive and uncommunicative), she will say it hurts, but that she let me do it because I enjoyed it (when it was the pleasure I though I was giving her that I enjoyed).

THIS is a pretty serious communication problem.[/QUOTE]

Now hear is the interesting part: After some serious relationship trouble and because of stupid things she did, I ended our relationship. I spoke with her later, and we ended up having sex... amazing peel the paint of the wall sex. It was like she was another person.

She was: a person who was willing to do anything to get you back.

I am pretty sure she is capable of having an orgasm, but she seems to fight it: recently I was fingering her g-spot and got her to squirt and felt some very strong contractions (was that an orgasm?)

Yes, that's what that was.

I have tried to tell her how I feel. Before she would just get angry at me and tell me to go have sex with other women as long as I don' tell her. I never did that...

Perhaps you should have: you'd have discovered there are normal women out there.

...I never push the issue and have told her that if it happens ...yet she complains that I pressure her too much. As far as I can tell, it seems like anything I do to give he pleasure makes her feel that pressure. Any help in interpreting this would be helpful!

I don't know how helpful this will be, but you should know there are countless men who've gone through the same things you're dealing with, and while I'm sure there have been happy endings in some cases, the odds are stacked against it. Perhaps at a much later time in her life your gf will develop a healthy mental attitude toward sex, but I don't see that happening unless she seeks professional help; and I don't see THAT happening unless she realizes she has a problem.
And I think that will require your leaving her again to get the message across. Then if she doesn't get help, you should stay gone.
Best of luck to you,
TR

**oxy-moron** · 01-15-2011 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by jonnyk

What makes matter even worse, is that she has a problem with picking pimples (she can do it for hours if I don't stop her). Anytime I try to be romantic and we get close, instead of getting amorous, she scans my face and body for things to pick which as you can imagine completely kills my mood.

Hi this behaviour is a big clue to what she needs. When she does this she is grooming you. Grooming like this raises Oyxtocin levels which forms life bonds.
Think primate behaviour.
What you need to do in response to this is vastly increased cuddle and massage time. This may take weeks to months to become effective. Oxytocin works at a lymbic level below concious thought. Google Oxytocin and Tamarin.
A quote from the research-

"But he also saw a striking correspondence among the couples: When one mate had a high level of oxytocin, so did the other, and vice versa. Furthermore, partners with a high level of oxytocin performed correspondingly more cuddling, grooming and sex, while those with low levels of oxytocin spent less time on these relationship-building activities. "

Try it -you will be amazed by the results- it will also teach you a life skill that will benefit you forever.

**jonnyk** · 01-17-2011 05:38 AM

Hello everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read my post and to respond.

LanaBear (stressed, jns, and Texasred), no she is not on the pill, nor has she been for the three years we have been dating. She does know and admit she has an issue, but she still holds onto the idea that she would rather have it hurt than to stop me, which I have told her is a major communication error way to many times in our relationship. We have talked about a sex therapist, but money is a big issue at the moment, though I am thinking more and more that it would be worth it even if it means living paycheck to paycheck.

There is no question in my mind that I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who's only interest in sex is strictly to satisfy me. It does hurt me very much that it took me leaving her (instead of listening to me and communicating) for her to decide to try being more accepting of having sex. I don't think I can stay with someone who doesn't have a personal interest in exploring their body and enjoying it. I have made the point lately of taking a step back and taking a critical look at our relationship, and I just see more and more problems that are only there because she doesn't communicate with me or ignores issues that I bring up.

oxy-moron, thank you for the information! I am aware that the picking issue is related to our social roots, but she takes it to the point of damaging her body and is giving her pock marks and loads of big red, spots particularly on her breasts, which is a big turn off for me (aside from when she tries picking me when I am attempting to be amorous). I understand picking a few spots, but she needs to pick EVERYTHING or she is not satisfied. We actually just had a fight about it and I issued her an ultimatum that if she wants to stay with me, she needs to stop picking (both herself and me) so obsessively. Aside from that, I actually love snuggling when we sleep, and we hold hands and hug very often. Most of the free time we have together, we are engaging in some sort of physical contact (not so much sex, but better now). As for massages, I love giving them, but anytime I would ask, she would say no. Lately, I just decided to not ask her and to do it, which judging by the noises she makes, she obviously enjoys it. Thinking about this, maybe if I stop being around her and remove the physical contact, she would actually feel the need for sex, but I doubt it.

More and more I want to end it, but I find it so difficult to do. Even with all of our problems, I love her so much. I just don't know how to do it. I find myself looking at other women and wondering what life would be like with them. Someone who listens and communicates with me and enjoys exploring each others bodies (and who doesn't obsess about picking). I would give her the world! I guess there are a lot of women out there like that... How do you leave someone you love?

**stressed** · 01-17-2011 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by jonnyk

How do you leave someone you love?

jonnyk, I've just left someone I loved (and we were engaged, together for years) because of problems very similar to yours (I had also started looking at other men wondering "what if" and also thought "if he'd just give me something back I'd make him very happy" and so on. We also talked a lot about everything) .

How do you do it? You open the door, walk out, and don't return. You don't think of the good times, you think of the reasons that made you reach this point. You don't think about what you leave behind (objects/papers/things), you think about saving your life from unhappiness. You go and once things settle you only return to pack.

**jonnyk** · 01-17-2011 07:18 AM

stressed, thank you for your support, it is greatly appreciated! I'm sorry you have gone through similar circumstances. It really is one of the most painful things one can experience when someone you love isn't right for you. I feel that it is one of the most difficult things to do, but something that you ultimately thank yourself for afterward.

I don't know if I can do it that way. I tried that before and it made me physically sick doing it, to the point that I almost blacked out several times. Where did you go when you left? Our lives are so intertwined that I don't think that I can leave and not run into her.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-17-2011 07:44 AM

Have you made it clear to her how much this is wearing on you? Emotionally? I think sometimes a woman can deny a man sex and think... blah, its ALWAYS about his penis, who cares... he'll live...They don't see the rejection they are displaying in not being sexual. If the tables were turned she'd be an insecure mess wondering why you don't find her attractive anymore, if you're seeing someone else, why you don't care about her needs to be close to you and to connect with you in that special way, etc...

Maybe she doesn't see all of those feelings you are experiencing and so if you haven't already told her how you FEEL, emotionally, about her lack of interest.. you probably should.

Some women think sex to men is all about getting off and so when they decline it they think okay so what he can masturbate, its fine. So it would be crucial for you to explain how you are affected in other ways for her to get the bigger picture on her disinterest and the distance its creating... how its wearing on you, etc.

Once you communicate fully your need to be close to her, how its not just about your orgasm, but how you don't feel desired, wanted... she may get the hint.. Most people (especially women) will stray from a relationship in order to feel WANTED, to feel sexy and special when their s.o's making them feel invisiable. Not that its right, im not saying that... I'm just saying it happens. Perhaps if she could put herself in your shoes for just a moment and actually think about how it would feel to be committed to someone that doesn't make you feel desired... its just not healthy for the relationship.

In the same vein though, you have to listen to her and try to understand whats goign on with her... what has made her lose interest.. if a sexual woman suddenly goes cold there is usually a reason for that. Some emotional hurt , some perceived wrong that has made her shut off emotionally toward you... and when a woman isn't feeling the same in her heart and mind... her other parts react as well (or don't react rather)

Is there anything she is upset about? Do you make her feel beautiful and sexy ? Even when you are not after sex? Does she feel compared to other women (do you look at porn etc, does this upset her?) all of those thigns can affect how a woman feels about a man sexually, and can cause her to feel like she isn't what you want so why bother etc...

The most important thing is talking to her, explaining how YOU feel and being sure to listen to how she feels too.