Thread: Another guy asking for help with wife with no sex drive!

Often times in these situations you need to consider a few points, first is general health. We are a complex interaction of chemical responses. Everything in our bodies is driven by chemicals and when something gets out of balance our sex drive can get hit hard. If you have insurance this easier than if your don't. How about suggesting that you both get in for a 30,000 mile check up? Blood work and all that? Once she makes an appointment you might give the dr office a call and have them make a notation that her sex drive is tanked. The reason I suggest calling is that my ex had some serious health issues but would often not mention things to the doctors. I would call and have a chat with the nurse or doctor, or go along on the appointment and tell them some of the things that were going on and more than once that made a difference. In one case he had a deep vein thrombrosis which he was trying to hide the symptoms of. Sometimes people need a little extra help in getting all the info conveyed.

If there aren't any physical causes found, the next consideration is emotional issues. These can be tricky. Some people, male and female, get the mommy syndrome. Mommies aren't sexy, they are mommies, not red hot mamas. This comes out of generational childhood conditioning and needs awareness and conscious effort to over come.

One red flag I saw in your post, was; "I delivered some flowers to her at work personally and the response was, "your still not getting a bj for this"." This says that she sees all attention from you as an effort to get sex. She didn't see flowers as an act of love, of cherishing her and all that she means to you. This is not uncommon. Its a matter of degree and perspective.
You haven't said if there was ever a time when you had a great sex together. Was there?
Was she ever into sex?
Is she orgamnic, really? Not faking it - which many women do.

If she was never really all that into it, you may be sunk. But if that's the case you were sunk a long time ago. If she was once into it, then you may have fallen into a common pattern that has brought her to feeling that she isn't loved or valued as a woman and as a partner. She may well be feeling that you only touch her or approach her when you want sex because that is what has happened. You may see it as being loving but she may see it only as an effort to get sex.

Depending on how far down this has gone, you may be able to save it. First you have to shelve the resentment and anger, Quit fighting. It isn't sexy, it isn't loving, some people do find it arousing but doesn't sound like she does. Doing things like fixing dinner, pulling your weight with caring for your children and helping her around the house are part of being a partner and a parent. She works, you work, you are both parents to your children - those are things you should be doing, not really brownie point deals, but not doing them can weigh the scales against you. Don't do those things with an attitude that you are giving her something and have an expectation that you are doing anything but what you should as a life partner and parent. So drop any expectations or resentments associated with any of that.

Start being affectionate and loving without expectation. Do it because you love her and this is what will let her experience that. Nuzzle her neck, whisper that you love her and then take out the trash or make the salad with no expectation. Pause and give her a little shoulder massage and then head out to do your errands. Sweep her into your arms, twirl her around, give her a kiss, tell her, "your beautiful" and then go do whatever you have to do. Don't stick around looking like the dog does when he drops his ball at your feet. Don't essentially keep asking, "are we there yet?" Just do it to communicate that you care, that you love her, that you value having her in your life. You may have to keep this up for a while without pushing for sex. The minute you push for sex, you undo it. This needs some patience but you aren't getting any anyway so why not give this a try? You could make it a sort of game for yourself. How much can you love on her? How many little ways can you slip in your message of affection, love and attraction? Just don't push for sex. What you want is to show her that you love her regardless and to build her response, If she is healthy and starts to feel your love in a way she needs, she will start to respond but you will have to be patient. You can't do this for a couple days or even weeks and then give up or explode in a big scene if you don't get the tootsie roll right off.

What you are doing is wooing her again and restructuring how you interact. There is a saying that for men loving feelings follow sex and for women sex follows loving feelings. In the mean time you might want to read a few books - check out the Books on Sex thread and upgrade some of your skills (at least on paper) and see if you can learn a few new techniques to improve your love making and increase the sensuousness in your lives. What is your bedroom like? Is it a love nest? Or a hornets nest? A place of relaxation and comfort? Or is it the catch all for laundry that needs folding and work stuff piled up? Do you have comfy pillows and nice higher thread count sheets? Or are you using the old comforter one of you had in college with mismatching sheets from you first apartment and lumpy old pillows? Is it utilitarian or does it have a touch of the exotic? Same thing with the master bath if you have one.

Are you up for the challenge?
Can you do it?
I guarantee that you can catch loving with this than with your war gear.
This isn't a battle you can win by fighting or challenging her, Instead challenge yourself to becaome the ultimate lover in her eyes.

We've had some men here do this and get results. We've some other men who just haven't found anything that seems to get there. But I have a feeling you just may be surprised if you change your approach.