Can you pass the gravy, please?

**kamy** · 05-28-2007 03:32 PM

how did women agree to sex in the first place? i can orgasm fine by myself, and if i have to masturbate while having sex with my husband then what is the point? i adore him and it feels good to be with him, but i can get that on the couch watching tv with him. he is able to stimulate me orally or manually but not as good as i can, and truthfully it all feels superficial.
i always envisioned sex to be by penetration and totally enveloping, but it feels like nothing. even when i orgasm myself (i can achieve multiples every now and then) it never tops the amazing lobster bisque i had at this one restaurant at the Grovepark. Or the NY strip at 23, or my family's thanksgiving feast.
i've tried to talk to him in the beginning, and he tried, but now i don't want to hurt his feelings or decrease his pleasure. i know it's not totally his fault, but what can i do but feel like i'm watching him eat all the chocolate cake and i only get the crumbs.
i'm not the only one that feels like this, many women i've talked to also feel cheated. but many women actually are okay with having to do manual during penetration, but would their guys be if they had to?
to answer all the clinical questions: i have no shame about sex, i think i look great and i workout, and i am attracted to men. i am not stressed about anything once i hit the sheets and i am supposedly in my peak. and my man is amazing and i'm crazy in love.
all my life i've been fed that sex is great, but whoever said that must have forgotten there were women in the audience. any help out there?

**noor** · 09-06-2009 02:13 AM

When a woman reaches her peak, her testertone levels increases and sexual desire increases and when a man crosses 40 their testertone level decreases so they have reduced sexual desire. Even if they want to do it they can't as their body is not able to perform like before.

My mum told me that in the initial phase of marriage sex happens physically with less feelings involved. Later it is more of love making with more feelings involved.

communicate with your partner and tell him what you like best. He'll surely comply.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-06-2009 02:33 AM

When you are having orgasms through masturbation do you manually stimulate your clitoris? Or are you just using penetration with finger/toy ? If you can't orgasm without clit stimulation by yourself... its going to be hard to with him. So try recreating the type of stimulation you get during sex when you masturbate. If you are finding you need at least some type of pressure to your outer sexual self -- try to recreate that pressure when having sex with your guy.

Sure I can get myself off quickly and effectively as well... but it feels good when my guy does it for me. I'd say about 25% of the time I stimulate or he stimulates my clit during sex, 25% of the time I just grind it against his body and 50% of the time, I just orgasm through penetration alone, with mild occasional brushes to my clit in some positions.

If you are thinking about how much other stuff like turkey dinners are better than the sex you are having just because you have to add a little manual in there... you should probably try opening up what you guys are doing so that you are finding it exciting again.

Get some toys, try some role play, read dirty books or watch dirty movies together work on feeling turned on by him, so that your orgasms feel better due to high arrousal , with or without you needing to manually stimulate yourself.

**ItsASecret** · 09-06-2009 06:38 PM

I would love to know how to make things feel arousing, to make it "enveloping" like you say, to make sex feel like something more than just the physical. Sure the physical part of sex is good but I know what you mean by other things topping the feeling. I do not know how to tell my boyfriend that lately things are just not arousing to me. The things he used to do have been repeated so many times that I just get nothing from it anymore (not sure if that applies to your situation). It really hurts me to know that he is exploding with passion and lust and I am just laying there wondering why I do not feel the same.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-15-2009 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by kamy

how did women agree to sex in the first place? i can orgasm fine by myself, and if i have to masturbate while having sex with my husband then what is the point? i adore him and it feels good to be with him, but i can get that on the couch watching tv with him. he is able to stimulate me orally or manually but not as good as i can, and truthfully it all feels superficial.
i always envisioned sex to be by penetration and totally enveloping, but it feels like nothing. even when i orgasm myself (i can achieve multiples every now and then) it never tops the amazing lobster bisque i had at this one restaurant at the Grovepark. Or the NY strip at 23, or my family's thanksgiving feast.
i've tried to talk to him in the beginning, and he tried, but now i don't want to hurt his feelings or decrease his pleasure. i know it's not totally his fault, but what can i do but feel like i'm watching him eat all the chocolate cake and i only get the crumbs.
i'm not the only one that feels like this, many women i've talked to also feel cheated. but many women actually are okay with having to do manual during penetration, but would their guys be if they had to?
to answer all the clinical questions: i have no shame about sex, i think i look great and i workout, and i am attracted to men. i am not stressed about anything once i hit the sheets and i am supposedly in my peak. and my man is amazing and i'm crazy in love.
all my life i've been fed that sex is great, but whoever said that must have forgotten there were women in the audience. any help out there?

Lets put this into perspective.

Why did men ever agree to marriage in the first place?

I can cook, clean and iron my own clothes *better* than any woman I've met. Oh, and I can also give myself quicker and more intense orgasms than any woman can.

Why should I have to put up with someone always in my house, asking me where i've been, begging me for children and telling me how to live my life?

I like female company, but seriously, a few nights a week works for me. And really, it doesn't even have to be someone I love, just a really attractive, soft, woman that smells good.

I always thought marriage would be happy and enveloping. But I can't get the sinking feeling out of my head that one day my wife will divorce me, and attempt, lawfully, to ruin me for half of my lifetime earnings. Oh, and take my kids as well.

I'm not the only man who feels this way- many men I've talked to also feel cheated. Especially the ones who paid for their wives plastic surgery only to have them leave afterwards.

To answer all clinical questions, I have no shame in life. I'm a hard working professional successful on many levels.

All my life i've heard that marriage is great, but whoever said that must have forgotten that there were men in the audience. Any help out there?

**Miya** · 09-15-2009 07:26 AM

OTYA you make just as valid a point. Marriage and relationships I think can be confusing to both genders and that's not a point that's solely feminine or masculine.

All my life i've heard that marriage is great, but whoever said that must have forgotten that there were men in the audience. Any help out there?

I think it's more of what you make it to be while trying to keep in mind that the people we choose to spend out times with are our teachers. Each person has their own will and the reasoning behind what they do. I've seen women leave their hubbies for stupid reasons (no more $$) AND legitimate reasons (he continually beat them and verbally degraded them). There are also guys I know who have left their wives for similar stupid reasons (not sexy enough for them anymore 40yo vs some hot little 20 yo) and for good reasons (wife cheated on them, wife was verbally abusive (often as bad if not worse than physical I think), wife was more interested in her career than their hubbies feelings).

To me it's just like the rest of life all based on Karma. What you put in, actions, words, thoughts, you will receive (good AND bad). Marriage is not all great or bad but it does work only as much as both parties efforts to make it a loving, caring, growing relationship.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-15-2009 07:34 AM

Originally Posted by Miya

To me it's just like the rest of life all based on Karma. What you put in, actions, words, thoughts, you will receive (good AND bad). Marriage is not all great or bad but it does work only as much as both parties efforts to make it a loving, caring, growing relationship.

Agreed. I wasn't conveying my thoughts per se- I was simply making a point.

Some people don't seem to think that you have to put hard work and sacrifice into marriage and/or sex.

Just as women make sacrifices- so do men.

I think the original poster is gone, but I hope others see and read this thread.

**WildChild** · 09-15-2009 07:42 AM

When a relationship works it enriches the lives of both. When it doesn't it can be devistating.

**Miya** · 09-15-2009 07:49 AM

I wasn't sure OTYA so I tried to make it a generic response.

In some ways, I feel since I'm from the East, Western society kind of makes the divorce thing a bit easier than in Asia (or ME) where it's still in many places considered a bad thing to do. You bring dishonor to yourself and family by getting divorced for frivolous reasons. Divorce of real problems like beating or adultery is more accepted but still unfortunately looked down upon by people. At least that's how it is in Asia. From what I've heard from gf's and read, it's much MUCH more difficult if not impossible much less accepted in Islamic countries. There are several places even when a husband can kill their wives and nothing happens to them which is an abomination!

I definitely know men makes sacrifices too. My DH would love to sit in front of his XBox and play games all evening but I don't like that too much so he doesn't. (although I think he does when I'm not home and I'm glad he's having so much fun). There are also times when he'd rather be going out with his guy friends but he stays home with me. We actually worked it out so we (mostly) coordinate guys night out with girls night out and that's working well.

There have been times when he's wanted to purchase something but I've dissuaded him from it and I know he would have gone ahead if he were single. At the same time I'm not one for shopping. I don't have to buy new shoes every week or clothes (I'm more of a saver though so we have money to retire on before we get too old to have a lot of fun and I think he's seeing that point too because he actually told me he's made a notebook where he writes down anything he's spent money on, even including a candy bar, and I NEVER mentioned anything like that to him.)

Ok, I'm off-track now.

**Miya** · 09-15-2009 07:54 AM

I agree Wildchild. It takes such a toll psychologically and physically when it's bad. Try as we may to be detached from it (well some do) there is still a burden to bear.

Every day I try to remind myself (and especially when we fight) that this is only temporary and that if I or he stay mad after a spat, there's no guarantee we will be able to "kiss and make up" later that day or the next. Death can take us at any time. I think this is true in good or bad relationships. If it's bad then you have to be the one who realizes you are too important to be subject to this disharmony and that each moment you breath and a blessing with no guarantee of the next.

That's how I try to ground myself at least.

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