Thread: Wife flirting and almost affair - please help

Originally Posted by at a loss

seems to me this isn't a sex issue but more of a TRUST issue.

If you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have JACK!!!!

You can turn your back and pretend that nothing has happened, and the end result WILL be that you and your wife will eventually split. You'll live EVERY day wondering what your wife is doing behind your back.

Was one of the things you signed up for in this relationship was to play detective? Because by NO fault of your own, that's about what you're going to become when you have a spouse who's doing what your wife is doing.

Would your wife have ever come clean about this if you hadn't called her out on it? My thinking is no.
You caught her with her hand in the cookie jar.

Turn this around and let's say that your wife caught you doing the same thing. How would this fly?
If the two of you have ANY chance of making this work, your wife has to realize that because of her actions, ALL trust has been destroyed.

The first step to making this work, if I were you, is she has to get off of facebook all together. She's shown that she hasn't earned the right to be on there as all it leads to is her running around behind your back.

If I were you, I would insist on this. I'd also insist on seeing her cell phone records, and she needs to account for where she's going to be every hr of the day. Isn't this how the state treats criminals? Your wife is a CHEATER my friend! She has to prove to you that this will NEVER EVER happen again.

If she balks at this at all, I mean for one second, guess what, you might as well end this relationship on the spot. When you catch your kid in a lie what do you do? Do you let him off NOT owning up to the lie? If your a good parent you call him out on it, and you punish your child for lying to you. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.

Don't know about you, but I would NEVER, EVER, want to play detective with my wife. I would make my wife promise on a bible that if she EVER had ANY contact with either of these guys again that our relationship would be over!

You can either go bury your head in the sand on this or you can flat out confront her. Don't leave it up to her and how she's going to handle this and make you feel that she's trustworthy. She's the one that's not trustworthy, and if she's not willing to cut off ALL contact with these guys, get off facebook, than my friend you don't have some who's motivated to make this work.

If someone had a drinking problem would you allow them to go to a bar? no!!!!! I think she needs to do this first, and she also needs to get into counseling with you ASAP. Any relationship without trust is DOOMED.

Not only are you married to a cheater, but you're also married to a liar!!!! She also looks at you like you're a fool and will believe her lies. The ball is in your court. You going to man up OR are you going to stick your head in the sand like a little !!!!!!!!!!!

The first two sentences of this post are absolutely correct! But the rest, well its just .

My husband read your post with me and before we even got to the part where your wife had arranged a meeting we were both saying that you didnt trust her and that this is not a healthy relationship.

I will qualify myself and say I have been in a very similar situation (with husband who read this thread with me) albeit at a younger age, I guess I always wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone else as he was my first and only up until that point. After spending some time around other men feelings surfaced and I spoke to my man, we took a mutual break from each other in which we could play around, which I did and was lucky enough that he loved me enough to take me back when I woke up to myself and realised what I had had all along was absolutely the best.

There were more issues involved than just my lack of experience and wondering which I wont go into on this topic but the basis was still the same.

Where do you go from here? Well thats up to you but consider this - would she have gone through with it? She never did have the chance, she may well have gotten there and chickened out, come to you and told you it all. You will never know. She may say she would have gone through with it but I find saying and doing are very different.

If you love her, sort it out, even set her loose for a little while, have a open relationship maybe? If you're worried about letting her go completely consider planning something where you can both play in each others prescence but be aware this might not work - she may feel she can not express her enjoyment in case you take it the wrong way.

You may not be willing to consider this, so there are other options, why not try to please her yourself? Pherhaps she wants someone to see her as more than just a wife and mother? To try new things, maybe more often.

Talk to her, and dont make the mistake of monitoring her every move, if you cant see yourself forgiving her and trusting again then break up now.

And again IMHO and expereince (as one of those kids) its never a good idea to stay together because of the kids, they will know and it really wont benefit them at all!

Sorry for reposting again so soon but wanted to ad that my man of the time (now husband and its been 10 years since these happenings) understood and thought it only natural happening, he still thinks that even though I have long wished I hadnt had that "wild time" in my life (as I know I hurt him, depsite his understanding and wish I had never done it).

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Mr. Inquisitive's comment is not "attitude"...jealousy is a curse, definately however, used to "con-figure" false thoughts in ones mind, that a person is cheating, it plays havoc..

Cheating, is not heatlhy... if both parties agree, that you can do what you want in your relationship, then you are both open minded..

But, you choose a partner and in that comes the word trust...Relationships are based on trust or should be. Cheating is defined as going behind someone's back, doing something the other person is not aware of, lying, cheating... The trust component goes out the door and the relationship is doomed..

Your welcome to your opinion Scarletkitty, but morals also come into play... STD's, STI's, Prengancy also come into play... You cheat, get a decease, and get pregnant, to another man, and give the decease to your man, how is that fair?

If I went to the movies with a male friend, that would be fine, it's not cheating, it's a friend...

The heading of this thread, "flirting almost affair" I get the jealousy part in that sentence as I said above, people get worked up assume, and have no trust.

But, she openly said she "would have cheated"... She is not with a person that accepts an open relationship.

Therefore, the correct thing to do if you are not happy, the moralistic thing to do, is to walk...Do what you desire, and don't hurt another human being in the process.

CW

My point exactly. They are not my cup of tea but open relationships, swinging, even taking a break to let each other "explore" are perfectly fine, but it has to be something that both people agree on. You can't just go around having sexual relationships behind your partners back if they are someone who wholey believes in monogamy.

Originally Posted by allspice

Sorry for reposting again so soon but wanted to ad that my man of the time (now husband and its been 10 years since these happenings) understood and thought it only natural happening, he still thinks that even though I have long wished I hadnt had that "wild time" in my life (as I know I hurt him, depsite his understanding and wish I had never done it).

God bless your husband. I could never do something like that, but it has worked out for you guys and that is great.

the difference here allspice is that you when you had these feelings you went to your man and told him what was going on. This guys wife was caught in a lie, and as someone else posted on here, chances are it had been going on for some time. That encounter wasn't going to be the first one.

In your scenario you didn't follow thru and act on your feelings before discussing with your man. There's a HUGE difference between the two. Adults do what's right. They have conversations despite how painful they may be. Children act out without thinking through it. And LIARS cover up!!!!

So basically this guys wife is not only a cheater but a liar.

If he wants to believe that this would have been the first time cheating, well than by all means, go he's free to stick his head in the sand and pretend everything is fine.

The question here is how to move forward after being a cheater and a liar?

Like I said, trust is something you earn. It's not something you just give away, AND when the trust has been taken advantage of and this person has disrespected someone that they "supposedly" love, well in order to mend the damage, the person who's a cheater and a liar has to prove (over time) that they're not only remorseful for the cheating, but also for also being a liar.

You don't just hand over trust to someone who's shown that they're NOT trustworthy.

You may allspice, but I sure in the wouldn't.

People who lie and cheat LOSE THEIR RIGHTS to be trusted.

If someone lied to their employer about why they were missing work. Trust would be broken. That employee would now have to prove to their employer that they were trustworthy. They'd have to show by their actions (NOT WORDS AS ANYBODY CAN SAY "I'M SORRY AND WILL YOU PLEASE TRUST ME AGAIN").

That would mean coming into work on time, and every day. They would have to rebuild the trust with the employer. If they had to miss a day of work in the future, there's a good chance this employer is thinking they're lying. Well maybe a note from a doctor showing they indeed had an appt would give the employer some confidence that this employee was telling the truth.

Basically what you're saying is it would be ok for someone to get out of prison, and expect people to just trust them. And if they don't get the trust they're demanding (after being thrown in jail for breaking the law) they than have the audacity to say, "how dare you not trust me and treat me like I'm sort of child"?

STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello...........in the REAL world, there's CONSEQUENCES for ones actions. And when you LIE and CHEAT, expect to be treated like a child and be prepared to do WHATEVER this person needs you to do to restore ANY faith and trust they had in you.

You either get this or you don't!!!!!!!!!!!

Frankly, I don't care what your wife's reason is, whether she's looking for physical or emotional fulfilment. The bottom line is she is planning to cheat on you. The first guy, Rich, might have been a slip, but she has gone and done the same thing with another guy. I wouldn't be surprised if she has already had sex with someone behind your back because she seems intent on cheating on you.

If I were you, I would not feel any comfort from her saying she might not have gone through with it with Jeff. She's sneaky and she's dishonest, and obviously horny. Yeah, sounds like a man.

The point is, if you've got cheating on your mind (which she appears to do) and you put yourself in a position to be compromised, then you will be. If you trust this woman, that's your choice. I wouldn't.