Wife flirting and almost affair - please help

**Phil** · 01-29-2011 04:42 AM

I am a 51 year old man, married to a 45 year old for 20 years. We have had our ups and downs, probably typical of most married couples and one 10 year old son. About 2 years ago she discovered Facebook. She became friends with people from her grad class. Some were men. I kept a weary eye out. She had been introverted and now seemed to crave more friends. I had no problem with more women friends and encouraged her to go out more.

18 months ago, she started emailing a guy (Rich) from her class often. He was quite flirty. I called her on it and she said, there is no chance of any affair. She stopped but was very secretive about her email. The emails ramped up over time and I called her on it again. She stopped but 4 months later, during an argument she admitted to meeting him for lunch. He made a pass at her which she deflected. She says she had been looking fro a male friend (not for sex) and I do believe that in this instance, she was. They quit all contact after that. I did try and ramp up the romance after that and since that time, we have had very good sex about 1-2 times a week.

Fast forward to the October 2010 (abour 7 months later). She is still on Facebook and formed a tight friendship with a new guy (Jeff) from her class. Of the emails I saw, their did not appear to be flirty however, there were lots of phone calls too. This guy was married with two kids. His wife was also on her Facebook page. I questioned her on this guy and again, she said it was nothing. I trusted her. One night we even went out to a bar with this group including Jeff and his wife {14 people from her grad class). This last week, Jan 2011, I come home from work and my wife was on the computer. The phone rang and she went to get it. I took the laptop and was going to read one of the magazines I read online. I notice that a "gmail" account I never saw was open. I opened it and this Jeff had sent her an email. The email laid out plans for a lunch and Jeff asked, "should I plan to get a room and I am looking forward to more than just lunch".

I was shocked. I confronted her and she admitted that yes, they were planning this but she was not sure she would have followed thru with this. Later she admitted she probably would have. We had some pretty heated arguments.

One other thing you should know, 18 months ago my spouse commented on an overly high sex drive that she never had before. She even posted on a health site that she was afraid if might get her in trouble. She also commented once that she felt sad that she never had sex with anyone else before me (we were both virgins when we met).

Is she looking for just sex (like a guy) or is she looking for something emotional? To me, she is acting like a man. She said last night that she has been so horny she could have it everyday. I commented that welcome to my world where sex crosses the mind constantly. Of course, I don't act on my urges (although I sometime wish I could).

How do I get over the hurt? How can I trust her? If we didn't have my son, I might have left her however, we really have a pretty good marriage. I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-29-2011 04:59 AM

I just recently watched a program where they were talking about women and cheating and that somewhere around 30 percent of married women have cheated, 30 percent have considered it and of the 40 percent that didn't cheat, didn't consider it... most reported having relationships with a communication level that made them happy. In other words it really shined a light on the fact that most women don't cheat for sex, they cheat for compantionship, for attention, for someone to care about them, appreciate them, listen to them, to make them feel special...

Not saying your wife considering an affair is your fault, I am saying though to ask yourself if pershaps you have been distant emotionally in a way that may have her seeking out an emotional bond with someone else? I ask that because it seems pretty prevelant that women seek other mens attention when they don't feel like they are getting adequate amounts of it from their significant other. Again no excuse, just hoping to provide some insight on an area of your relationship that you guys could work on together to prevent this type of acting out.

Women love to feel sexy, wanted, desired, chances are these men were probably stroking her ego, complimenting her, reminding her that she's more than a mom and a wife... that she's a WOMAN... something most women love to be reminded of... I think that if you have been losing sight of her as a sexual being, not noticing her... this could be an opportunity for you to shake things up and start giving her the attention she's craving.

If you already shower her with attention and make her feel like a hot mama, then her reasons for acting out like this may be just purely selfish, and a sign of a major character flaw... but I think after so long together you would have gathered whether or not she was that kind of cake and eat it too type person that has affairs... it could be a case of low self esteem, it could be a case of wanting to re-live her past (a mid-life crisis of sorts) it could be a case of her just wanting to feel attractive and enjoying the attention.

As far as her being more horny, if it were purely for the sex, she could have had it and didn't. So depsite her increased sex drive and her talking about that more, I don't think this about sex. Do you guys have an active sex life?

**stressed** · 01-29-2011 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by Phil

Is she looking for just sex (like a guy) or is she looking for something emotional? To me, she is acting like a man. She said last night that she has been so horny she could have it everyday. I commented that welcome to my world where sex crosses the mind constantly. Of course, I don't act on my urges (although I sometime wish I could).

How do I get over the hurt? How can I trust her? If we didn't have my son, I might have left her however, we really have a pretty good marriage. I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

It's not only men who are after sex, or just sex, or more sex. Women do too and it sounds like you should believe her. Apparently her sex drive is high right now, which is fine.

The problem seems to be as to 'why' didn't she use this high sex drive on you? Are you willing to have sex as much as she wants to? Do you turn her down? Are you busy? Is she avoiding you? Does she want more sex, or does she want sex with other men?

There's nothing unfeminine in a woman wanting sex, you should just approach her in such a way that she spends her sex drive on you. Talk about it, but don't tell her "she acts like a man", it would insult her and make her think that the way she feels right now is abnormal. When it's not.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-29-2011 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

The problem seems to be as to 'why' didn't she use this high sex drive on you? Are you willing to have sex as much as she wants to? Do you turn her down? Are you busy? Is she avoiding you? Does she want more sex, or does she want sex with other men?

This was a question I had as well. Your comment of 'she is acting like a man wanting sex every day' makes me think you may make her feel bad for having a healthy appetite for sex... a woman having a high drive doesn't make her a sloot, doesn't mean she will use it on anyone, doesn't mean she is a freak... it means she is normal, and healthy and comfortable with her sexuality... all good things.

I was curious too, if you are put off by her interest in sex... because I too, don't understand why she's talking about being horny rather than expressing it by being sexual with you... unless you are not indulging her? Again not turning this around on you or saying this is your fault... just trying to find cause/effect. Unlike men, most women cheat out of feelings of neglect... if she hasn't cheated... theres a chance to heal and fix those feelings and get things on track for you guys, if you truly do want to move forward and work this out. Some men cheat out of neglect too, but the ones that have the type of character that allows for cheating... a lot of them will cheat out of sheer opportunity to do so, whether neglected emotionally/sexually or not.

Women tend to have opportunities more often than men, but generally don't go for it on those unless there is something they feel is lacking.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-29-2011 02:09 PM

The whole thread really is sex related, not affair related....

What I can see, is there is a form of communication going on between you, she is capable of discussing and so are you, so that's a good start, 20 years is along time.

I get what you are saying, "acting like a man", equalling thinking with his....doda....

You say your marriage basically is okay, and you have sex 1-2 times a week (now), but you also say she comments of wanting it daily and you bascially answer her with , welcome to my world, but then you back off, with a comment of if I could...

That's where the communication has broken down...

It's not that she craves to experience another man as she was a virgin, she held her own there for 25 years through all sorts of temptation right? It's that she craves more intimacy / adventure / she wants to explore her sexuality rightly so and yes, we do get a surge of wanting it more and more as well as wanting to be greedy with it.....

She chose you, you chose her.... Marriages work when people see the signs, compromise and work with it....

If you were having sex once a month or two months for instance, and she bought this up, and as a result you've got it going on 1-2 times a week, thinking great that will satisfy and she's saying no, now that I have it again, I want even more, then you have to view that again and compromise more, unless you don't love her or find her sexually attractive, it's about compromise...

Intimacy, closeness, feeling sexy, feeling loved, feeling like a teenager again as well as my soulmate, my best friend equals there is no room for anyone else in my life, my life is complete.

CW

**oxy-moron** · 01-29-2011 02:33 PM

Hi
She is approaching menopause and this natures attempt for her to have one last change had having a child. Her drive is boosted and motivating her to look for new opportunities to get pregnant.
You are not viewed as likely candidate due to the Coolidge effect. This is effect is what mammals have preprogrammed in them to stop them continuously mating with the same partner.
Mammals that mate for life( about 5%) have certain behaviours that help to keep their relationship strong. These behaviours manipulate Oxytocin levels. Mammals that mate for life have many more Oxytocin receptors in the brain.
The good news is that you can manipulate Oxytocin levels and use the Coolidge effect to your advantage. Google Cupids Poison Arrow and Coolidge effect and learn how to manipulate mammalian circuitry. You will notice many other benefits in your life - these alone will make you a life convert to managing your Oxytocin levels. You get periods of extreme happiness and bond more strongly with others.

**at a loss** · 01-29-2011 09:20 PM

seems to me this isn't a sex issue but more of a TRUST issue.

If you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have JACK!!!!

You can turn your back and pretend that nothing has happened, and the end result WILL be that you and your wife will eventually split. You'll live EVERY day wondering what your wife is doing behind your back.

Was one of the things you signed up for in this relationship was to play detective? Because by NO fault of your own, that's about what you're going to become when you have a spouse who's doing what your wife is doing.

Would your wife have ever come clean about this if you hadn't called her out on it? My thinking is no.
You caught her with her hand in the cookie jar.

Turn this around and let's say that your wife caught you doing the same thing. How would this fly?
If the two of you have ANY chance of making this work, your wife has to realize that because of her actions, ALL trust has been destroyed.

The first step to making this work, if I were you, is she has to get off of facebook all together. She's shown that she hasn't earned the right to be on there as all it leads to is her running around behind your back.

If I were you, I would insist on this. I'd also insist on seeing her cell phone records, and she needs to account for where she's going to be every hr of the day. Isn't this how the state treats criminals? Your wife is a CHEATER my friend! She has to prove to you that this will NEVER EVER happen again.

If she balks at this at all, I mean for one second, guess what, you might as well end this relationship on the spot. When you catch your kid in a lie what do you do? Do you let him off NOT owning up to the lie? If your a good parent you call him out on it, and you punish your child for lying to you. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.

Don't know about you, but I would NEVER, EVER, want to play detective with my wife. I would make my wife promise on a bible that if she EVER had ANY contact with either of these guys again that our relationship would be over!

You can either go bury your head in the sand on this or you can flat out confront her. Don't leave it up to her and how she's going to handle this and make you feel that she's trustworthy. She's the one that's not trustworthy, and if she's not willing to cut off ALL contact with these guys, get off facebook, than my friend you don't have some who's motivated to make this work.

If someone had a drinking problem would you allow them to go to a bar? no!!!!! I think she needs to do this first, and she also needs to get into counseling with you ASAP. Any relationship without trust is DOOMED.

Not only are you married to a cheater, but you're also married to a liar!!!! She also looks at you like you're a fool and will believe her lies. The ball is in your court. You going to man up OR are you going to stick your head in the sand like a little !!!!!!!!!!!

**Texasred** · 01-29-2011 11:09 PM

You might try just spending some time talking to her, if you both can get past the emotional and the confrontational feelings that are no doubt present: you're going to tend to be accusatory, and she'll be pretty defensive, but if the both of you can get past that, you might be able to have a useful discussion.
It does sound as if your wife is looking for a little more excitement and maybe a little more sex in her life, and who knows? Maybe even a little more romance. It's up to you to find out what it is she really wants. And to provided it if you can.
For her part, she needs to agree to ditch the Facebook account: that's just going to continue to be a problem.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-29-2011 11:49 PM

Originally Posted by at a loss

If I were you, I would insist on this. I'd also insist on seeing her cell phone records, and she needs to account for where she's going to be every hr of the day. Isn't this how the state treats criminals? Your wife is a CHEATER my friend! She has to prove to you that this will NEVER EVER happen again.

If she balks at this at all, I mean for one second, guess what, you might as well end this relationship on the spot.

Ack... doing all that is the end of the relationship, her balking would have nothing to do with it. If you make someone hand over their phone records, if you demand they can't interact with their friends, if you make them log their every step... thats not a significant other, thats a parolee. Asking that of someone, whether they cheated, thought about cheating or never cheated is irrelevent. If the trust is so far down the toilet you are even CONSIDERING taking some of those drastic measures... the relationship is headed for doom because you can't own another person, you can't will them to love you, you can't force them to be faithful... and even supposing you could FORCE someone to be faithful... by having them log their every breath and etc... it wouldnt be real, it would be coerced... you could never feel like they love you because they wanted to , but more so they loved you like a kidnap victim that falls for the kidnapper..

in other words it wouldn't be a love that is altruistic... and who would be happy feeling like the only reason their partner is faithful, is not because they love you too much to cheat, but because you have them hypothetically locked in a basement...

**stressed** · 01-30-2011 10:09 AM

I wonder what kind of man would be interested in having sex with his wife in the following scenario:

The husband is very affectionate, loving, cute, caring, sweet, brings flowers, leaves love notes and such.
Then one day the wife says: "You have to stop with these silly feminine things, to me you act like a woman".

That's what I see happening here.