How to initiate break up sex

**somedude** · 01-29-2011 08:52 AM

I'm in the middle of a possibly temporary break up and I'm basically waiting to move out of the house to finalize it so we can take the time we need to decide if we want to continue on together permanently. The question I have is: is there a good way to go about proposing break up sex? I'd like to be seductive with it but going about it the wrong way will do more harm than good. I just don't know how to be seductive when everything feels awkward right now due to the situation. Does anyone have any ideas? Is there a way I can find out if she'd be open to it without putting myself out there for rejection? Or is there a way I can initiate it and if she's not into it I don't lose face? There are plenty of articles on the interwebs about the rewards/risks of break up sex, but nothing about the right way to broach the subject.

**WildChild** · 01-29-2011 09:12 AM

Hard to say. Are you talking about a one shot deal or living separate, not spending time together but still having sex - that sound like a booty call.
Best thing is to sit down and talk about it. If this is a getting your heads straight, time to ourselves, the two of you have to negotiate what that will be for the two of you. What anyone else has done doesn't really count. The question is what is the goal and the motivator in your case for the separation? Will continuing to have sex help keep you connected and improve what ever you are dealing with or will it just making getting clear more difficult?

**somedude** · 01-29-2011 09:49 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Hard to say. Are you talking about a one shot deal or living separate, not spending time together but still having sex - that sound like a booty call.
Best thing is to sit down and talk about it. If this is a getting your heads straight, time to ourselves, the two of you have to negotiate what that will be for the two of you. What anyone else has done doesn't really count. The question is what is the goal and the motivator in your case for the separation? Will continuing to have sex help keep you connected and improve what ever you are dealing with or will it just making getting clear more difficult?

A one shot deal. We've already talked about what is expected out of the both of us during the break up. I was her first long term relationship (2 1/2 years vs < 3 months). She says she feels like being with me forever is inevitable, but she's getting antsy about it because she didn't expect that to happen when we started the relationship and she's still young and needs to establish her identity (she works in the music industry and networking is essential to her job). She feels like too much of her personality is wrapped up in us and she feels bad about going out, but also feels like I don't want to go out with her.

For me, I had just been diagnosed with Narcolepsy when we first got together and it took some time after that before I was getting the right treatment. My version took the form of lack of sleep and constant exhaustion. By the time our relationship started, I had no hobbies, friends, outside interests, social skills, or a personality of my own. I, too, feel like too much of my personality has been wrapped up in the relationship because it's all I had at the time. I need time to a) learn to manage narcolepsy better while b) establishing myself and my identity again and c) build normal, positive living habits. If we both work on those things, the relationship can resume because we'll both have our individual identities that keep us out of the house together or apart, while maintaining the perfect at-home relationship and repertoire that made us fall in love with each other in the first place.

I don't really think a continued sexual relationship is in either of our best interests since we're both trying to find the selves that we lost by being together. I simply thought that, being as sex is one of those things effected by narcolepsy and I'm being treated now, would allow for great sex one last time - we could end it on a positive note - reestablish the fact that, even though we need this time apart, we do still care about each other - and maybe put some positive closure on it in case we don't ever get back together.

**stressed** · 01-29-2011 09:59 AM

I think that 'break up sex' is a bad idea in every case. It won't offer you anything more than unnecessary pleasant (or unpleasant) memories of a person you want to break up with. Why make yourself and the girl feel worse for?

**somedude** · 01-29-2011 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

I think that 'break up sex' is a bad idea in every case. It won't offer you anything more than unnecessary pleasant (or unpleasant) memories of a person you want to break up with. Why make yourself and the girl feel worse for?

Because the situation went from being in love to feeling awkward even sitting next to each other in less than a week when we both realized that this wasn't going to work out the way things were now. I'd like for us not to end it with such infamiliarity. To me, I kind of feel like the pleasant memories are a necessary reminder and there aren't really unpleasant ones to speak of except with regard to how I've been getting by without sleep.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-29-2011 11:10 AM

Ack, I personally think break up sex is a really bad idea... especially 'pre-meditated' break up sex... theres a difference between if you two are both just feeling that spark and go for it one last time , kind of trying to heal... or feel whats left of what you had... but that has to be organic, and mutual. Plotting and planning break up sex is too calculated sort of like... uhh let me hit that one more time for the road, like... eating a big meal before venturing out in the wilderness not knowing if you're going to starve and hoping to have the last dish set you full for a while... meh, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

If you really want to have sex with her one more time, you shouldn't approach from a way of 'seducing' her into it... as that can be confused with you trying to re-spark things and not break up with her... which could make her and you both have re-go through all those same emotions you processed when you decided to end things.

If you want to have an evening together before you go your seperate ways, fine... make sure that its clear that its a go-away get-together and not a lets try this one more time and see if we can make it party... the trying to smooth in for break up sex could very easily be confused with not wanting to break up at all. And can be a total mind-bleep for her and for you.

Just see her and if you are both organically just in the moment and want to experience each other one more time, so be it... but don't plot it and it and scheme it.

**stressed** · 01-29-2011 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by somedude

Because the situation went from being in love to feeling awkward even sitting next to each other in less than a week when we both realized that this wasn't going to work out the way things were now. I'd like for us not to end it with such infamiliarity. To me, I kind of feel like the pleasant memories are a necessary reminder and there aren't really unpleasant ones to speak of except with regard to how I've been getting by without sleep.

If it ends with familiarity and great sex, don't you think it's very possible that either of you will think twice about breaking up? What if one wants to try again and the other doesn't? Even if you talk about it beforehand, you've no idea what's going to happen next. She may also turn you down if she's made up her mind and that's not one of the final memories you want of her. You're moving out but she's staying behind, she'll be thinking of the last place of the "break up sex" every day.

It's not worth it.

**somedude** · 01-29-2011 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Ack, I personally think break up sex is a really bad idea... especially 'pre-meditated' break up sex... theres a difference between if you two are both just feeling that spark and go for it one last time , kind of trying to heal... or feel whats left of what you had... but that has to be organic, and mutual. Plotting and planning break up sex is too calculated sort of like... uhh let me hit that one more time for the road, like... eating a big meal before venturing out in the wilderness not knowing if you're going to starve and hoping to have the last dish set you full for a while... meh, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

If you really want to have sex with her one more time, you shouldn't approach from a way of 'seducing' her into it... as that can be confused with you trying to re-spark things and not break up with her... which could make her and you both have re-go through all those same emotions you processed when you decided to end things.

If you want to have an evening together before you go your seperate ways, fine... make sure that its clear that its a go-away get-together and not a lets try this one more time and see if we can make it party... the trying to smooth in for break up sex could very easily be confused with not wanting to break up at all. And can be a total mind-bleep for her and for you.

Just see her and if you are both organically just in the moment and want to experience each other one more time, so be it... but don't plot it and it and scheme it.

I guess I'm misrepresenting myself by saying "seduce" then. What I mean is that I want to avoid the discomfort of quantifying it and getting wholly rejected. I rather like what you say where we're both organically just in the moment. I guess, then, what I'm asking is how can I eliminate the awkwardness that would make me feel silly about such a thing. I'd really like to just have one last connection with her so that it doesn't end on such a strange, hobbling-to-termination note.

**somedude** · 01-29-2011 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

If it ends with familiarity and great sex, don't you think it's very possible that either of you will think twice about breaking up? What if one wants to try again and the other doesn't? Even if you talk about it beforehand, you've no idea what's going to happen next. She may also turn you down if she's made up her mind and that's not one of the final memories you want of her. You're moving out but she's staying behind, she'll be thinking of the last place of the "break up sex" every day.

It's not worth it.

It seems pretty unanimous then. I guess you're right, which is why I was asking in the first place, because I honestly have no idea what to do to reform this ending. This ending definitely sucks even though it's probably better in the long run. I guess I'll just get her flowers or something instead. :-D

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-29-2011 02:20 PM

I don't think you really are after break up sex at all.

I think you are after 1) leaving her with the touch, the thought, the intimacy one last time....that will remain on her mind throughout this, instead of just walking out the door and her last memory is of say, a simple word, bye.

If that is the case, tell her you would like a date, take her to dinner, buy her a dress to wear, give her a rose, talk at the table over wine only of past fun, happy things that happened, things that made you laugh and don't talk about the future.. Talk about the hobbies your going to start, but don't talk about the negatives, or past..... Kiss her and look into her eyes at the end of the night and tell her, she has been the most beautifulest person / journey in your life...Ask her, " I want to spend this last night with you " ..... and we can take our break and re-discover and grow..If she says yes? Then you can fullfill your emptiness of this "break-up" as much as she can...

CW