Help! want to stop "faking it" with husband

**Lillelu** · 02-01-2011 02:03 PM

I have a HUGE problem! I am newly married but have been with my husband for 6 years. I have been faking an orgasm almost everytime we have sex for the whole time we have been together, he has never really given me one. I guess I started because sex with him has always been on the longer side, it seemed that if he thought I had not orgasmed he would just keep going and going and after a while it starts to hurt so I just want to be done with it. He is a big guy and I am very petite so I can only take so much before sex gets uncomfortable! Before I get to the uncomfortable stage, sex with him does feel good and I do enjoy myself. He is very attractive to me and I do think I have a healthy desire for sex. Besides the fact that I don't ever orgasm we have had a healthy sex life for most of our relationship. We have a 5 month old daughter and I had a very complicated pregnancy (we could not have sex for most of it) so things have slowed down significantly. I think when I started "faking it" I figured that the reason I did not have an orgasm during sex was because we were still figuring each other out and that after a while I would start having them. I know now that it was wrong of me to start "faking it" because he never thought he had to figure me out because he thought he already had! The problem was that once I started, I just couldnt stop! Despite his hard exterior, he is a very sensitive person. I feel as though telling him now that I have been lying to him all these years will hurt him and make him very angry with me. He already has confidence issues with himself in general and I think that finding out he has NEVER given me an orgasm will kill him. I should mention that I have had orgasms with a previous partner so I know I can have them. I just want to be able to have a normal sexual relationship with him, without faking anything. I don't feel that this will happen unless he knows I do not orgasm during sex, then we can move foward and work together to make that happen. I just don't know how to tell him

We have been having other problems in our marriage so I don't want to add stress onto an already stressfull time but I just can't take it anymore! Any advice would be MUCH appreciated!

**WildChild** · 02-01-2011 02:55 PM

You already know that faking it is a bad idea, so I won't say you shouldn't have.
Why not start from where you are now?
You aren't orgasming and need to figure out now, what it will take.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-01-2011 03:51 PM

Its not his fault you weren't having orgasms, if you were faking it ... he couldn't have known he needed to do anything different than he was... so i think it would be really unfair to state NOW... that you've been faking it for more than half a decade... thats a long time to lie and could prove very damaging. Instead why don't you just work on making things BETTER going forward.

Do you masturbate? Do you orgasm through masturbation? Have you ever had an orgasm? Have you tried masturbating during sex? Thats a very quick and easy fix... depending on what sensations you need to feel to orgasm, guide him, tell him what feels good...tell him what you'd like him to do, show him, demonstrate, use positive feedback when he hits the spot, tell him to 'keep it right there' if he's somewhere good, move his hand, tell him to go harder, softer... deeper, with his touches... whatever you want to feel express it.

**OregonGirl** · 02-01-2011 07:43 PM

In the beginning of my relationship I also faked it. I am not sure but I think it's something that a lot of unsure women tend to do. I know for me I always wanted sex to be fantastic for him and I didn't want to "burden" (for lack of a better word) our sex life with my needs. I felt it would take entirely too long for me to get to an orgasm as well so it was easier just to fake it.

When I told him he WAS devastated, but from then on we worked to better our sex life and I've never gone without since.

The fix for your problem would depend on a few different things. Like, if you've never orgasmed before (even alone) then you should set aside some time to yourself to figure your own body out before you start letting him know about the ordeal.

If you've just never orgasmed with HIM...well there's a few things you could do. One is touch yourself during the act, and if that isn't enough then offer to introduce a vibrator into your sex life. You don't have to tell him you've never had an orgasm, you can just gradually change the way you have sex until you're getting satisfied too. Trust me, once you start orgasming during sex you'll feel SO much better and I'm sure both of you will notice a vast improvement.

**Niceguy** · 02-03-2011 12:10 PM

I know my wife fakes orgasms sometimes. The problem is, I dont know how often. We have been married 35 years and have had an enjoyable sex life for the most part. I place a lot of effort on foreplay and getting her aroused. But sometimes, she just couldn't become aroused enough to orgasm. Then she would either fake it or just pull me closer indicating that she wanted me to penetrate her. And of course the occasional "quickie" usually meant that she did not have time to climax, but I felt as if she still enjoyed herself and wanted to make me happy.
Now I finally want to tell her no more faking. I dont feel bad about the fact that she fakes and believe me, I have very low self-esteem. But I want to get it out in the open and discuss it, as I feel certain our sex life will only improve as a result.

That is my story. Every guy is different in how he would handle that knowledge, but you only have been together 6 years and you have many more years to spend in each other's arms, providing you are able to work through the other problems that you have. Some replies you have received sound like good advice. I wish you happiness in the choice you make.

**Scarletkitty** · 02-03-2011 12:36 PM

I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to fake it. Men just won't stop until they think they've made you cum and if you tell them otherwise they get all butt hurt.

**pretzel** · 02-03-2011 12:45 PM

I've been priviledged to have learned many things during my time here and one of the biggest is that for as much as I'd like to have my wife orgasm every time, that's not always going to be true. You can only do as much as you can and can't force upon someone what you may want for them. I've learned to take my cues from her as to whether or not she is reaching orgasm. She gives off certain signs and emotions that I have learned to use to either continue doing what I'm doing as I know that she's really enjoying it, or when I know that she won't reach orgasm this time.

There is nothing wrong in telling your husband "Honey, I love the way you feel, but I'm not going to orgasm tonite"

**PureVirgin** · 02-03-2011 12:53 PM

Is there a way to tell if she's faking it? Oh God I would hate that.

**Scarletkitty** · 02-03-2011 12:55 PM

Yeah, if she looks relieved when it's over.

**GoddessOfLove** · 02-03-2011 01:08 PM

I dunno. Isn't ignorance bliss? What you don't know can't hurt you? But I would think the way to tell is if she seems a little too overzealous in the screaming and stuff. That's probably a sign she's over-acting. Especially if it's happening when you aren't really doing much.