Is something wrong? Looking for advice...

**bunnysavedme** · 02-05-2011 01:42 PM

Hi there. Thanks for reading ... here's my concerns ...

I'm young (20's), recently married (5 months), was with him for 2 yrs before marriage. Lately, I just do not want to have sex ... I do not know if its because my life is soo busy that I'm just exhausted (I have a job, two internships, and I'm a full-time graduate student). Or, I don't know if maybe there is something wrong with me (like maybe a medication side effect or something? - I'm on meds for anxiety & diabetes - been on them for years). Or maybe its just that things aren't as exciting as tehy were when we first started dating, but I feel like thats a poor excuse because we are still young ...
It really hurts me that my husband wants to have sex, and I keep saying no ... I make up excuses and get mad at him for asking ... its breaking my heart. But, I just dont want to do it ... it just seems like a hassle to me .... Am I just being lazy? Am I just overly exhausted/overwhelmed that any free time I get I just want to relax ... ? Ughh..
I still love him to death, theres nothing lost in that connection ... so I'm just really concerned ... I dont know what to think ...
Any advice/recommendations/anything? Any comments would be much appreciated!

**Miss_Bee** · 02-05-2011 01:53 PM

I'm going to guess that it's probablly a combination of the fact that your life is so busy right now and side effects from the anxiety meds. I had the same problem about a year and a half ago. School was getting very stressful and I had alot of other things going on, so my doctor put me on anxiety medication. After being on them for about a month, I lost my sex drive (which was very high before that), I also lost interest in other things, and eventually stopped the meds, because I felt like a zombie...My best advice is to talk to your husband about it. And the next time he's in the mood, have him give you a massage to get you relaxed and see if that helps!

**bunnysavedme** · 02-05-2011 02:15 PM

Thanks. I've been on the anxiety meds for over 7 years so I dont think it is related to that, but one never knows I guess ..

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-06-2011 05:35 AM

Chemically speaking, what may not have impacted you before, could be impacting you now, so the meds are a possibility as far as contributing to your current situation.

The fact that your life is loaded with all sorts of outside "stressors" is probably the main factor(s).

Two points you made that raised questions in my mind:

1) "...Things aren't as exciting as they were when we first started dating..." Why? Why not? I assume you were a grad student then? I assume you had a job?
Internship too? So what's changed so much?

2) "But I just don't want to do it....It just seems like such a hassle to me..." You make it sound like a chore...like doing laundry or cleaning your home. It is NOT a
chore but the most amazing, personal and intimate thing two people can share with one another. So what can you do to work on your psychy? Sex is fabulous,
don't you deserve some fabulous in your life too?

It seems to me that your expectations or thoughts about having sex with your partner are way too high. What about just getting naked and cuddling/holding one another? Relax without your clothes on. See how that feels. Let things progress as they may, if they do.

It sounds to me like a lot of the "problem" is your inability to relax based on the high stress nature of your very busy life.

If you are concerned about NOT being able to relax before or during intimacy, do some things that will help you relax....like take a nice warm shower, stay naked and ask your husband to massage away the stress of today.....

**Tool** · 02-06-2011 09:33 AM

Sounds to me like sex is not a priority for you. You really need to make it a top priority, or your relationship isn't going to last.

Men make an emotional connection when they have sex, and when you reject him you are making him feel not loved.

Instead of making excuses not to do it, just DO IT!! trust freaking have sex..

My Wife used to make excuses all the time too, and our Marriage counselor gave is this advice. and it worked wonders.

Let me ask you the same thing our counselor asked my Wife. What do you think would hurt you more, you rejecting him or finding out he cheated on you and losing your marriage. Sex takes what maybe 30 minutes or so. Is 30 minutes worth all this hassle in your life. I don't think so.

**jns** · 02-06-2011 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by bunnysavedme

Hi there. Thanks for reading ... here's my concerns ...

I'm young (20's), recently married (5 months), was with him for 2 yrs before marriage. Lately, I just do not want to have sex ... I do not know if its because my life is soo busy that I'm just exhausted (I have a job, two internships, and I'm a full-time graduate student). Or, I don't know if maybe there is something wrong with me (like maybe a medication side effect or something? - I'm on meds for anxiety & diabetes - been on them for years). Or maybe its just that things aren't as exciting as tehy were when we first started dating, but I feel like thats a poor excuse because we are still young ...
It really hurts me that my husband wants to have sex, and I keep saying no ... I make up excuses and get mad at him for asking ... its breaking my heart. But, I just dont want to do it ... it just seems like a hassle to me .... Am I just being lazy? Am I just overly exhausted/overwhelmed that any free time I get I just want to relax ... ? Ughh..
I still love him to death, theres nothing lost in that connection ... so I'm just really concerned ... I dont know what to think ...
Any advice/recommendations/anything? Any comments would be much appreciated!

I think that all things play a part, the hectic schedule, the anxiety meds and the diabetes meds. I found out for me, simvastatin (Zocor), reduces my libido. Other statins may have similar effects. Depending on what type of blood pressure med you take, that can also have an effect as well as the medication you take for diabetes. Have you visited your endocrinologist since starting to have problems? The heightened effect of being in a relationship and later getting married could have had you OK, but the marriage becoming more routine along with the extra stress of your schedule are the straws that broke the camel's back.

I don't think you are lazy. Possibly your husband could be better at getting you to enjoy sex. Do you orgasm during sex and if so, how many times? How much time is spent on sex and foreplay, both per session and per week? Do you masturbate on your own? Does your husband still do romantic things, like presents, dinner dates, massages, etc.? Does he help out around your place to take some of the burden off of you? What is his schedule like?

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-06-2011 12:14 PM

While i think a persons body is there own and if they don't want sex they shouldn't have it... I also think that when you are in a committed relationship, one in which you both have promised to be faithful to each other... that there is some expectation of being able to get your needs met from your partner, at least half the time, a compromise.

Sex is so tricky because if one wants it and the other doesn't... no one should have to have it if they don't want to, but in the same vein no one should have to feel undesirable and rejected... especially when there is only one person they are allowed to turn to for physical comforts... when that person rejects them it can create such a resentment. Especially if there is no compromise... you should't have to have it every time he wants to, and he shouldn't have to go to bed 'hungry' (so to speak) every time either.

I mean if you were thirsty and he were not thirsty, you'd be allowed to pour yourself a drink - no harm no foul. If he was sleepy and you weren't sleepy... he could go to bed, while you lay awake - no harm no foul. But if he were to want physical attention and intimacy (not just an orgasm, we all know masturbation could cover that, but its no replacement for being close to a partner, feeling wanted and desired) if he were to want intimacy and attention and you didn't want to provide him with that... well tough luck buddy... because that is not something he can get without you, at least not while honoring his promises and commitment to you.

So no, I do not think you should have sex when you don't want to... but I think that compromises should be made *unless there is some sort of pains or dicomforts that make doing it completely uncomfortable* so that each partner can feel like their need for intimacy, or lack of need for it... is addressed and handled fair and evenly. If you have sex with him every single time he wants to , despite you not wanting to.. then you will be the resentful one and it can be just as damaging as your rejection of him...

You guys have to find a way to meet in the middle...thats what making a life with another person is all about... its about your needs as well as his needs and making both of them a priortity to each other.

**Tool** · 02-07-2011 07:11 AM

I don't think compromise is the right word. I personally would not agree to have sex with my Wife if it was a compromise.

When we get married we do promise to be faithful, but that doesn't change the fact that many Men cheat. And most of them cheat because they are not getting enough sex. Meeting halfway probably will not give satisfaction.

It took a lot of time for my Wife and I to figure all of this out when we were having problems. But we figured out it wasn't about how many times we were doing it, but how many times she rejected me. And when your consistently rejected it takes a huge emotional hit. And I just withdraw and stop giving her emotional support.

For my Wife, and im sure this is the same for many Women. It was all a desire problem, she really loved sex but she just did not desire it at all. But once you can get past the desire problem the sex is amazing. That's why we were told to just do it. She had to ignore the little voice in her head that said no and move right to the arousal part. After a while, that little voice that kept on saying no started saying YES and her desire came back strong.

As far as the guy is concerned, he should not be meeting in the middle either. He needs to meet her emotional needs, and make her feel loved and sexy. And that's really not all that hard, you just need to spend quality time with her and be close without it leading to sex. Tell her she looks nice, make her breakfast every morning, do the dish and the laundry. Stupid little like that makes her feel great and does free up her "Busy Schedule" lol.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-07-2011 07:19 AM

Tool that all sounds so terribly condesending : free up her "busy schedule" lol. Really? I think compromise is the exact word... because its not about her saying 'no' half the time, its about him asking half as often as he actually wants to in order to be fair. Do you really think if a man wants sex 3 times a day and his wife wants it 3 times a week that she should still do it 3 times a day... how fair is that? How about a man that is okay with sex once or twice a week and his wife that wants it 5 times a day should he run out and get medication and pumps and whatnot to accomadate that? or should they compromise? Compromise is about working together... what you describe is emotional blackmail. -- give me all the sex I want or i will give you no emotional attention... when it may not even be a need of hers...you helping with breakfast and giving an obligitory 'you look nice'.

**Tool** · 02-07-2011 07:36 AM

First off I was joking about freeing up her busy schedule. By doing these extra things around the house without being asked she will feel less overwhelmed and might not be as tired or resentful.

Its not blackmail, it works both ways. If a women isn't getting emotional support, she isn't gonna want to have sex. If a man isn't getting sex, he isn't gonna want to give her emotional support.

Your stuck in a catch 22.