Thread: Resentment Causing Lessoned Sexual Interest

I'm 22, have been married for almost 4 years, and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 7 years now. Whereas at the beginning of our relationship I enjoyed spending time engaging in most sexual activities with him, in the past year or two my interest has waned significantly. We do have one child (3), and I know that tends to change peoples sexual interest levels, but I think that there's something else at work here.

I do still have a sex drive- I'll get "hot" at times, but when I think about initiating sex with my husband, I'm immediately reminded of all the things that have caused resentment in our relationship, and I decide not to even try. When we do have sex, it's because I feel bad about how infrequently it occurs, and I don't want to kiss, touch, or even engage in foreplay- I just want to get it out of the way. I don't orgasm during sex, and he rarely if ever even tries to get me off.

It's become worrisome to me of late because I've noticed myself fantasizing more and more about having sex with other people (no one in particular, just a person other than my husband). I've tried to tell my husband that I need romance in our relationship in order to WANT to be intimate, but he just makes an effort for about 3 days, then forgets about it- so I don't feel "romantically" close to him. It just frustrates me now when he tries to kiss me or touch me sexually, and I just find myself getting irritated. I honestly don't know how to fix our relationship so that I will enjoy foreplay and sex again, and it just bothers me that I KNOW that the sensual side of myself exists, but I don't know how to get there with my husband.

He will spend hours throughout the week with his friends, watching sports, playing video games with friends... but he doesn't seem to spend much time or effort on our relationship. He only takes me on dates when I nag him, to be honest (not proud to admit that part), and doesn't buy me gifts or try to surprise me unless I specifically tell him that I'm feeling neglected. He tells me that he loves me all the time, but it sometimes feels like I'm more of a convenience than anything else. The "romance" is gone... and I've asked him time and again to try to spend more time on our relationship but it never seems to stick. I don't know what to do because I just get frustrated and feel like his roommate/live in girlfriend/friend more than anything else.

Can anyone offer advice? I feel like this marriage is starting to get shaky because of this persistent resentment that I feel toward my husband.

I have no advice but I can say a man saying he loves you but not showing it means little or nothing at all. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and hope things turn around.

Sounds like there is a serious lack of quality communication from both sides.

I would usggest you get out of your "element" (home) for an overnight or two and have some uninterrupted one on one time....talking...openly and honestly without being hurtful towards one another.

Even the local Holiday Inn would give you the change in scenery you need.

It sounds to me like he has "settled in" to your relationship and assumes that everything is okay for the most part.

You also "settled" for a while until you started to let things bother you and have now built up resentment towards him.

Neither "settling" or "resentment" are healthy for either of you or your relationship, so it's time to address them.

Does your Husband complain about the infrequently of the sex?

Sounds to me like you could be both resenting each other here. You don't want sex so he has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship because he resents you. And you resent him for doing that.

I think one of you should step up here, either he starts being for you emotionally or you start having sex a lot more. When one of these things gets put back in place, the other should follow quickly.

When my Wife stops having sex with me, I resent her. I don't like spending time with her and I don't like helping her. But when she wants lots of sex and I feel loved. I treat her like my princess.

I know there is ALWAYS room for communication improvements.... but it sounds to me like you HAVE been communicating with him and trying to give him the chance to work on the things that are making you feel neglected. And it sounds like he's been choosing to ignore those things. Does that mean your marriage is doomed? No...but it does mean some things are going to seriously have to change.

There is no romance, no passion, no chemistry. There is no appreciation, respect, deep feelings of compassion. It sounds as though he's quite immature and selfish..and is focusing only on what makes him happy. What makes him happy is hanging with his friends, having you to have sex with when he needs to get off and never making even an effort to nourish the relationship unless you ask for it. I know from experience, that when you have to ASK to be taken out on a date, or ask for affection (that is not related to sex) it's frustrating and makes you feel unloved. He CAN think of that stuff on his own....it just requires more effort than he's willing to put in.

I don't think he needs to know about your thoughts of having sex with other men. But he DOES need to know just how unhappy you are in this marriage. I think it needs to be blunt..no beating around the bush. He needs to know that you are not happy, are feeling unloved, no passion, no chemistry, not respected and appreciated, feeling like a toy to get him off. If he is still then unwilling to make an effort to keep the relationship alive and healthy...then the decision will be yours as to whether or not that's the way you want to live the rest of your life.

He could be immature and selfish, but he could also be withdrawn. And spending time with friends and video games is making him feel better about himself. This is exactly the same thing I did when my Wife and I were having these problems.

This goes both ways, Men are not going to Romance you if they are being consistently rejected.

But I agree, they both need to communicate their feelings. Once they can resolve the resentment, their relationship will be magical.