In Love but Sexually Frustrated

**LolaMonroe** · 02-08-2011 08:40 PM

I've been engaged for a year and a couple of months. I love my fiance, he is my soulmate in every sense of the word. However, he will not do any type of foreplay besides sucking my nipples and groping my breasts. Cunnilingus and fingering grosses him out, so he says. He also doesn't like touching his own semen. He'll masturbate with his underwear on without having to touch his penis during ejaculation. I'm trying to be understanding, he clearly has intimacy issues.

Our intercourse is ok. He is very well endowed but I just can't climax from straight sex. I never could. Maybe it's my fault because I want him not to get frustrated and I put on a show for him and fake my orgasms. I know, that is the lowest of the low but what else can I do? I've told him repeatedly that it takes more than intercourse to satisfy me sexually and all he does is apologize.

Sometimes I get mad and pretty much tell him that I can't understand why he's not grossed out when he sticks his penis inside and gets his pleasure. When he has to give instead of receive, it's always a problem. Don't get me wrong, he's tried but stopped and gagged. And no, it's not because I have feminine odor. I'm a healthy and young woman that has never had any venereal diseases. And I always keep myself clean and well shaved. BUT when it's time for ME to go down on him, he doesn't bother to at least trim or even clean himself. Either way, in the heat of the moment, one doesn't care. I love giving him pleasure. I just wish he'd enjoy giving me the same pleasure and not be selfish. Again, I've talked to him about this and it just doesn't go anywhere. He can't even feel the moisture inside me with his hands. The only thing is he's obsessed with my breasts and wants to fondle and suck on them all the time. That's the most foreplay I ever get.

He makes me feel really sad when i address the issue sometimes because he looks like he's about to cry sometimes. I don't know what's going on. He keeps telling me he's sorry but he just doesn't like bodily fluids but then again, it's no problem when it's pleasuring his penis. and it's just this cycle over and over again.

I'm sorry for wording this the way i did, just didn't want to use profanity.

Please help, I'm extremely frustrated and I just don't know what to do anymore.

**jns** · 02-08-2011 09:12 PM

He probably won't change. It sounds like the two of you are sexually incompatible. Can you live with the situation if he doesn't change?

**WildChild** · 02-08-2011 10:37 PM

Doesn't sound like your soulmate at all.
Sex is important.
How many years of this do you think you can live with? Understand that this is more likely to get worse than better, especially the sexual selfishness.

You haven't been honest with him. How can he really hear you when you say you need more than intercourse but you are faking orgasm with intercourse? That gives a lie to you saying that you need more. How can you expect to make a good, lasting, happy marriage, if you don't feel that he can handle you being honest about your sexuality? What do you think is likely to happen to your sex life once he watches you give birth if the two of you have a baby? Or sees you nursing a baby? My bet is that would the last time you ever had sex.

You might tell him that the two of you need to see a counselor, in many places that is required before marriage anyway. Get this on the table honestly and openly. He's got some real hang ups if he can't even touch himself. What does he do when he urinates? Does he have a piece of tissue in his hand? We hear a lot about women who were told as children not to touch "down there" and who took it literally but there aren't too many men who have done so. I'd the wedding on hold and get to the bottom of this or prepare yourself for a life of sexual frustation and self pleasuring.

**oxy-moron** · 02-09-2011 12:17 AM

I call this squeamishness- I think it is a lot of what is behind peoples reluctance to participate in sex once the relationship is past the honeymoon phase- You are still in the Honeymoon phase so you have a big problem. I think it root is thoughts built into the subconscious. So it is hard to alter- but it is possible.

**wanton** · 02-09-2011 09:07 AM

Faking orgasm is to betray your soul and this is a sin. Listen to your desire and act accordingly for listening to your desire is more vital than listening to someone. You are important and the rest thereafter. Since you cannot please yourself do not expect to satisfy others. Talk to him what you feel exactly or watch some sex movies educationally written and you will learn the art of making love and what roles men have in shaping the desires and fulfilling their desires

**rcoreyus** · 02-09-2011 09:14 AM

Agree with several above posters - sex is very important and he is unlikely to change. You really don't want to spend your life in a relationship with a miserable sex life (take my word on this...)

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-09-2011 09:58 AM

I think it is much deeper than anyone has previously mentioned. I think that something must have gone on or been done to him when he was a child. Just by reading your thread it sounds like he is hiding something or at least keeping something from you that is probably very dark, very ugly and has been suppressed for so long that he doesn't know how else to deal with it.

I would say that some counseling is a good idea. Some counseling for you as a couple to work through your issues/concerns and some counseling for him to work through whatever got him to this place where he is....

IMO - there is a lot more going on here than he has shared.

**oxy-moron** · 02-10-2011 05:01 PM

Does he brush his teeth every five minutes- does he kiss with tightly pursed lips or avoid kissing your mouth- is he always washing his hands- does he use a flanel in the shower?
Like WC says-does he use TP when urinating?. These are all signs of someone who thinks mistakenly that body fluids are noxious. They often think of bacteria and think that all bacteria are bad. If it is not something sinister like S_A says then you need to retrain him.

**LolaMonroe** · 02-10-2011 07:05 PM

thanks to everyone for replying.

just to let everyone know, he isn't a clean freak or anything, far from it, actually, which makes this even more odd. one thing i have noticed is that he's obsessed with my breasts. he will spend hours sucking them and has told me many times he wants me to be able to lactate. he's told me it's his fantasy to drink breast milk which is weird because that is also a bodily fluid. however, ive been connecting the dots and he had a terrible childhood, his mother pretty much turned him into the state when he was 4 and he's never had a good relationship with her.

i honestly agree with the person who said he's probably hiding something from me that he can't cope with. don't get me wrong, he's an amazing person and he's expressed he feels bad that he can't pleasure me the way i want. i guess i'm just going to have a long talk with him. i love him more than anything in this world and i don't want to loose him because to me love isn't just about sex. sex is important but it's not the most important part.

btw.. i have never been able to reach orgasm through intercourse alone, even with someone else or a vibrator.

**anonymouswhitemale** · 02-10-2011 07:58 PM

Boy, how different can people be, for heaven's sake?? My situation is the reverse, where I just absolutely LOVE to do cunnilingus, more than anything else! I've never had a woman ask for more, and it's always been the woman who's had enough, not I. I'd love to do it two or three times a day, if I had the chance. My wife tolerates as much as she can, but gets too sensitive, too quickly. If I had to choose between only intercourse or cunnilingus the rest of my life, it would be the latter. And I'd much rather give than receive (I sniff panties, too ;-)

What a horrible situation, though, when you're not even sure if you could get by with what it looks like you'll be getting. I'm quite certain, though, that all would be lost if I didn't at least get the muff-diving that I do get. No one can make the decision for you, but I don't feel too optimistic about any retraining.
Could I be changed, and convinced I didn't need to get my face down there? Never in a million years!