Thread: Please help. Vaginismus, mental break down.

I’m posting, mostly because I feel if I don’t post I’m going to lose it.

I’m a twenty-one year old virgin with vaginismus. It stems, I believe, from a very traumatic, unneeded enema at the age of ten, which I would equate, quite frankly, with rape (I actually passed out on the table, and when I woke up, it was finished against my will) and an upbringing that was very strict about the ideas of sex. My parents will never, ever admit to it, mostly because they’ve become more liberal with age, but I can remember them threatening me with serve punishment if I ever caught “with a boy” (that, and smoking) and was told that sex was very painful the first time around… Which may or may not be true, but one understands this is a scary thought to be introduced to.

I’ve never been able to insert a tampon. My Pelvic, which I was forced to have last year in order to get a refill on my birth control medication for cramps, was botched. They couldn’t get a pediatric tool inside of me. It was extremely painful and I was hurting for days. I think it’s actually made my condition worse. They didn’t diagnose me. They said when I had actual sex, “natural lubrication” would allow a penis entry. I now know this isn’t true.

I feel like half a woman. It’s the only way to put it. I don’t have what other people have—I can’t have sex. At all. I feel genderless. I don’t know what I am anymore. I intentionally, for three years, have avoided relationships, knowing they could never possibly be consummated, and believing it’s wrong to lead a boy on when clearly nothing can ever come of it. People have assumed I’m a closet homosexual. People have accused me of being overly religious, or “holier-than-thou” for remaining a virgin. I know this might be silly, but I really can’t work myself out of my current mindset. I’ve never kissed, I’ve never held hands, I’ve never dated. I’m frustrated. I’m attractive, and this beauty won’t last forever, but at the moment, I feel like it’s completely false. It’s not how men see me, as I’m sure there’s a man out there who would love me with sex or no sex, but how I see myself.

My mother, who I normally discuss personal issues with, wants to sweep this under the rug. While she admits wrongdoing with forcing a ten-year-old to have an enema, she keeps insisting that I can’t fit tampons in because “I’m too small” and “It’s a physical, not a psychological” issue. She’s even once suggested this shouldn’t be an issue because, of course, I’m not planning on having sex anytime soon! She’s overlooking the fact that this condition is emotionally tearing me apart. It is extremely hurtful. Because of my upbringings, I can’t even imagine the idea of using dilatators. I’ve masturbated in other ways, because I am still, despite everything, a sexual creature; but the idea of actually inserting something into my vagina seems very wrong. (I was told, as a child, that masturbating was “lower class” and this has stuck with me. I feel guilty for being sexual.)

Please help me. I’ve cried, I screamed. I don’t know what to do. I feel like everyone judges me and tries to tell me I’m wrong. If I go to a counselor, I’ll be sluttish (please forgive the word!) because I don’t “need to get this resolved now.” If I use dilatators, I’ll be immoral. If I do nothing, I’m frigid. Please, please, please help.

I'm sorry you're having this problem.

I do think that you very much do need to go to a counsellor--probably a female one. It isn't premature--this is something that, ideally, you need to resolve, or at least start resolving _before_ it becomes a problem in a relationship. And at any rate, it really isn't anyone else's business.

The same goes for dilators--it makes a lot of sense to handle the problem before you get into a relationship. There's nothing immoral about that, even if you decide to wait until marriage to have sex.

I think you have an advantage in that you have a sense what the cause of the problem may be. That will be a huge help in therapy.

We will be happy to help you on this board as much as we can, but I do think a therapist is your best bet.

HTH.