He can't stay hard

**lizbeth27** · 02-14-2011 10:56 AM

Help!!

My 29-year-old boyfriend can't stay hard during sex. We get him hard, then he goes in, lasts for a bit, and pulls out, soft. I try to get him hard, he goes back in, and the cycle repeats. At this point, after a few attempts, I just give him a hand job or blow job until he finishes. He always makes sure I come (but lately that seems to be more MY responsibility than his), but it's difficult for me because I'm constantly worrying how long he'll last until he goes soft. When I get close, he goes soft - very frustrating!! I've had some orgasms just fizzle because he pulls out right at that moment. Sometimes he just can't continue at all, so we stop.

Because of this, I feel like our sex is all about him. He's either inside of me or waiting for me to get him hard. This is pretty much every time we have sex. I was pretty inexperienced before him (a couple of stupid drunken hookups) so I guess I didn't realize that this was unusual, but now it's become a hindrance to our sex life. We don't really talk about it, because the few times I've tried, he just seems really upset with himself. This is SO touchy for men.

Every now and then he stays hard the whole time but comes really quickly - far before I've come, and within a couple minutes. He'll go down on me after, but my orgasms are much better when he's inside of me.

As for him, he's healthy - works out constantly and is in excellent shape. Meat eater, no caffeine, plenty of sleep. He does drink quite a bit - at 2-3 times a week with friends - but the sex I'm describing is totally sober. It's not a problem of with or without a condom - we've done both. We use lube every time. He has morning wood every day and masturbates maybe once a week or not at all anymore. I know he's attracted to me because he tells me all the time - everything from my face, to my body, and my personality. I've tried lingerie, different locations, different times of day, dominant/submissive...

I'm just totally at a loss for what to do. I feel selfish for wanting him to do something about it, and I feel like he's selfish for not even TRYING to do anything about it. I really want him to see a doctor and/or therapist, but I've never been direct enough to tell him this. I even think I know what the problem is - he just overanalyzes it. He totally beats himself up about any stressful thing in his life, including this - but not to the point of deciding to talk to someone about it.

To me, this is a dealbreaker. Everything else in our relationship is great, but the sex is lacking because he just won't do anything about it. I've been waiting and waiting (we've been sleeping together for about 7 months) and nothing has changed.

Any suggestions?

**jns** · 02-14-2011 12:08 PM

Originally Posted by lizbeth27

Help!!

My 29-year-old boyfriend can't stay hard during sex. We get him hard, then he goes in, lasts for a bit, and pulls out, soft. I try to get him hard, he goes back in, and the cycle repeats. At this point, after a few attempts, I just give him a hand job or blow job until he finishes. He always makes sure I come (but lately that seems to be more MY responsibility than his), but it's difficult for me because I'm constantly worrying how long he'll last until he goes soft. When I get close, he goes soft - very frustrating!! I've had some orgasms just fizzle because he pulls out right at that moment. Sometimes he just can't continue at all, so we stop.

Because of this, I feel like our sex is all about him. He's either inside of me or waiting for me to get him hard. This is pretty much every time we have sex. I was pretty inexperienced before him (a couple of stupid drunken hookups) so I guess I didn't realize that this was unusual, but now it's become a hindrance to our sex life. We don't really talk about it, because the few times I've tried, he just seems really upset with himself. This is SO touchy for men.

Every now and then he stays hard the whole time but comes really quickly - far before I've come, and within a couple minutes. He'll go down on me after, but my orgasms are much better when he's inside of me.

As for him, he's healthy - works out constantly and is in excellent shape. Meat eater, no caffeine, plenty of sleep. He does drink quite a bit - at 2-3 times a week with friends - but the sex I'm describing is totally sober. It's not a problem of with or without a condom - we've done both. We use lube every time. He has morning wood every day and masturbates maybe once a week or not at all anymore. I know he's attracted to me because he tells me all the time - everything from my face, to my body, and my personality. I've tried lingerie, different locations, different times of day, dominant/submissive...

I'm just totally at a loss for what to do. I feel selfish for wanting him to do something about it, and I feel like he's selfish for not even TRYING to do anything about it. I really want him to see a doctor and/or therapist, but I've never been direct enough to tell him this. I even think I know what the problem is - he just overanalyzes it. He totally beats himself up about any stressful thing in his life, including this - but not to the point of deciding to talk to someone about it.

To me, this is a dealbreaker. Everything else in our relationship is great, but the sex is lacking because he just won't do anything about it. I've been waiting and waiting (we've been sleeping together for about 7 months) and nothing has changed.

Any suggestions?

Is he taking any medications or herbal supplements, say for working out? Medications can interfere with his libido.

Do you have sex when he has morning wood? Morning wood is at a time of maximum testosterone.

Are you on top any of the time? If you are on top, he can concentrate on staying hard and squeeze his legs to keep from going soft as fast. This may give you enough time to have your orgasm.

Have you tried Viagra, Cialis or Levitra?

Him being selfish or you perceiving it as such will cause major problems.

Does he go down on you before intercourse? He could get you on the verge of orgasm before intercourse, so you would have the orgasm during the intercourse, even if he went soft afterward.

Do you two ever have sex that is just casual fooling around, without any expectations to get to a certain level?

**lizbeth27** · 02-14-2011 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Is he taking any medications or herbal supplements, say for working out? Medications can interfere with his libido.

No... No supplements at all.

Originally Posted by jns

Do you have sex when he has morning wood? Morning wood is at a time of maximum testosterone.

Yes... We tried that this morning, actually, and after going soft/hard a couple times we just stopped. He said he was stressed about work this week and left it at that. We've tried all times of day and the same thing happens.

Originally Posted by jns

Are you on top any of the time? If you are on top, he can concentrate on staying hard and squeeze his legs to keep from going soft as fast. This may give you enough time to have your orgasm.

I try being on top, but to be honest, I think I'm bad at it! I don't ever seem to get a good rhythm or movement going (I was really inexperienced before him), and very soon he ALWAYS goes soft, so we flip over and try again. I'm hesitant to climb on top because I know this inevitably always happens.

Originally Posted by jns

Have you tried Viagra, Cialis or Levitra?

No... I'm afraid I'll scar him for good if I even mention any of those.

Originally Posted by jns

Him being selfish or you perceiving it as such will cause major problems.

Does he go down on you before intercourse? He could get you on the verge of orgasm before intercourse, so you would have the orgasm during the intercourse, even if he went soft afterward.

He's not selfish per se about the sex. He always makes sure I come - either during sex or with oral sex after he comes. He doesn't initiate oral before we have sex - or much else foreplay for that matter. I initiate foreplay a lot, like handjobs or going down on him, which he sees as invitations for sex. I guess I could be direct and ask for it before we get going. I even bought him a really good book - She Comes First - a couple months ago, but he hasn't bothered reading it.

Originally Posted by jns

Do you two ever have sex that is just casual fooling around, without any expectations to get to a certain level?

Hmm... Not sure what you're asking here. We "fool around" by making out all over the place - in our cars, in the shower, on the couch - and don't necessarily take it to the next level right then, even though we both want to. But usually we go to sex shortly after.

I know what I really want him to do: see a doctor and/or therapist. But I've suggested it and he doesn't catch on. I think I need to be really direct and tell him that it's affecting OUR sex life, and he really needs to do this for us. I'd be happy to go with him! It's just SO hard to bring it up; I'm worried that him knowing precisely how much it bothers me will only make him beat himself up even more.

**jns** · 02-14-2011 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by lizbeth27

I know what I really want him to do: see a doctor and/or therapist. But I've suggested it and he doesn't catch on. I think I need to be really direct and tell him that it's affecting OUR sex life, and he really needs to do this for us. I'd be happy to go with him! It's just SO hard to bring it up; I'm worried that him knowing precisely how much it bothers me will only make him beat himself up even more.

Guys don't do hints very well.

**rcoreyus** · 02-14-2011 02:25 PM

It is probably psychological. The more he worries about it, the worse it will get. I'd suggest that you find other things he can do for you for a while. Let him give you oral. Play games, tie him to the bed and tease him, whatever. Make it clear that there are lots of nice things to do other than intercourse. (even if you don't really believe that). Then try again (without any fanfare) when he is stressing less.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-14-2011 03:47 PM

As tough as you perceive it to be, it's time for a "knee to knee" (knees actually touching) conversation with him. Look him in the eye and without hesitation, share your concern with him. It's pretty apparent to me that open honest communication is lacking here. You should feel comfortable talking about ANYTHING with him, why is the subject of sex so different?

I agree that it is probably psychological. I don't agree to say or do things even if you don't really believe them (just my opinion).

We men believe that we are suppose to be adonnis' in bed, even though we lack the training or experience to be so. We seem to set very high expectations for ourselves and when we fail to meet those expectations, we fail our partners as well. So, it's a bit of a vicious circle or rock and a hard place.

If you want your man to know something, TELL HIM. If you want your man to miss something....give him hints. Men need the dots very close to each other to see a line.

What may have started out as "him" problem has now become a "you" (together) problem, so now is the time to start working through it together.

It is believed that ED or Erectile Dysfunction affects one on four men at some time in their lives. Some believe it is much higher. You can be 29, 49, 69 or whatever age...it hits when it hits. If you don't want to bring up ED drugs, encourage him to get a complete physical with his physician and ask the doc for ideas and thoughts about it...he'll come home with samples. Viagra lasts about 4 hours, Levitra lasts longer and Cialis lasts about 30 plus hours. If it were me, again, I'd use Viagra, again.

I'm in my 40s and have had my share of ED related issues. Some psychological, some medicinal, some physical.

you can work through this....

**Texasred** · 02-14-2011 09:57 PM

I'd second much of the above: first and foremost, men don't do hints. We don't read between the lines, we just read the lines. You want him to go see a doctor, ask him to go see a doctor. If it's not physical, the doctor will refer him to a shrink of some sort - a "therapist."
And if this guy has any feelings for you at all, he'll go to the doc just to keep you happy.
The beauty of something like Cialis - which I recommend - is that, if the problem is purely psychological, it can act as a perfect placebo: he'll perform just fine! The only drawback is it's hugely expensive if he doesn't have medical insurance that'll cover it.

But the bottom line is this: you two have got to talk.

**lizbeth27** · 02-14-2011 10:47 PM

Thank you, Seeker_Advice - you gave me a very thoughtful answer that I really appreciate. You're right - it's time to begin a more serious conversation about what this is and how we can work on it together.

I'll keep you guys posted on how things go tomorrow night when we talk.

**OregonGirl** · 02-15-2011 10:34 AM

How long has this been going on? Was he able to stay erect before and it is a recent development now?

If it's recent it could be psychological and guilt-associated. Perhaps there could be something going on that you are unaware of.

I totally agree with the "the more he thinks about it the worse it will get" scenario. That is completely true. It's hard to stay aroused if you're constantly worried about being aroused.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-15-2011 12:54 PM

lizbeth27,

I am glad that you found my words to be helpful.

BTW - there really is something effective about knees touching...probably has to do with the close proximity that one is to the other, which makes it hard to get distracted, look away, etc. I know it has worked very well for us.