It shouldn't feel like this should it?

**cm15** · 02-15-2011 09:20 AM

I am a 48 yr old woman, and in an 8 year marriage (12 together). Once upon a time, my husband pleased me and sex was a joy. I understand that life happens and people age. I still look pretty good and young for my age, however I have put on weight over the twelve years together. Not a lot, just the extra few pounds one might expect to gain with age. He has gained weight too and up until last night I never had any issues with him or his appearance. Last night was Valentine's Day. All I really wanted was to be held or snuggle together which also would have been fine with him because we were both exhausted. However, over the last year or more, 'S' has been putting me down, and making all kinds of fat jokes and 'worthless' jokes about me. Last night he gave me a valentine card which was a surprise. ( his best friend made him buy it) Then he proceeded to demand not ONE but TWO sessions of oral sex from me, with absolutely NO reciprocation. No kissing , barely any touching and what really worries me is the control he has to have during it. Once he's done, that's it. He won't look at me anymore let alone try to please me at all. I do not get touched or caressed let alone made love to anymore. I feel hurt, abandoned but most of all USED. And last night it was a horrible feeling to lie in the same bed with my own husband and feel almost as violated as I did 20 yrs ago after I was raped. I need to get this out and hear other's opinions. S is aware of the problem, but I suppose it's not a problem for him. I'm losing my husband, but more importantly, whatever is going on is causing me to question my self and self-worth. I need to shake this feeling of self-loathing. I tend to get depressed easily and I have struggled with issues from being raped for years, now this. It's not the first time he's acted this way, it's simply the first time I have reached out. For over a 12 years I have been making sure he's happy in the sex dept. But all he wants is oral, he doesn't want me anymore. I'm lost and hurt. Help anyone?

**pretzel** · 02-15-2011 09:52 AM

Food for thought?

Are you really afraid that you're losing your husband or are you coming to the realization that the last 12 years of your life has been with someone who for all intents and purposes has taken you for granted?

**WildChild** · 02-15-2011 11:02 AM

I'm close to your age and went through 2-1/2 years of this. I ended it 8 months ago. We weren't married and didn't live together. There were several factors in his behavior, one was what eventually became an almost patholgical fear of emotional connection or closeness, the other was a very strong connection to R&R (Redtude and Rosie). In other words he was quite capable of masterbating as often as 10 times a day. He only wanted actual intercourse once every 4 - 6 weeks and that was no foreplay, no touching, no kissing. He did want hjs and bjs regularly though and over time he increasingly took control in that.

He started out very caring and affectionate and then it was like someone hit the switch. I kept thinking he would go back to what I thought was is true self but it only got worse. There were moments when the affectionate man I had fallen in love with peeked out for a few moments but they got fewer and fewer. It very hurtful.

All I can say is that you are a woman in her prime and you deserve better. You can find it. I think I have now, time will tell but getting out there and looking sure beats the heck out of being used as a masterbation tool.

**rcoreyus** · 02-15-2011 01:53 PM

You do not deserve this sort of treatment. My wife is about the same age as you - and while I know intellectually that she has aged in various ways- I still see the beautiful young woman that I married 25 years ago. (she doesn't believe me, but its true).

Honestly - you should find someone who loves and appreciates you.

**penelopeew** · 02-16-2011 03:33 PM

I know this might sound all sorts of corny, but something that Oprah said on one of her shows has stuck with me ever since. It must have been some episode where they were talking about women who had been sexually abused by their partners, or were in relationships where their partners were controlling or manipulative. By the end of the episode they'd come to a sort of slogan, or phrase that coined the overall message of the episode, which was along the lines of 'by saying "no" to someone else, you're actually saying "yes" to yourself'.

To me it sounds like this is what you need to do. You need to start saying "yes" to yourself (figuratively speaking), and cut yourself some slack! No one should be made to feel useless by the one person in their life who, above all, is meant to make them feel like they're the most lucky person on earth. If he knows how you feel about the way he treats you and he still hasn't stopped and changed his tune then he doesn't sound like someone deserving of a woman like you.

**PatrickJW** · 02-16-2011 06:46 PM

No it shouldn't. It's guys like yours that cause some to call us men pigs & worse. More importantly, you as a person deserve respect, and as a wife you should get it unconditionaly from your man. It does not seem that he has any regard for you, it seems to me you are a victim of emotional abuse. Get some help for that and get out.

**oxy-moron** · 02-16-2011 11:19 PM

Hi
I think what you are struggling with in him is the Coolidge effect- look it up on Wikipedia.
Basically it effects all mammals. Males a bit more than females.
It makes males think negative thoughts about their lover post orgasm. I think the level of negative thought is related to testosterone level.
Once things have settled what you need to do( If you are staying) is boost your level of physical contact with him without orgasm. Never give him oral to completion again. It can be massage or cuddles- touch or kisses- compliments or strokes. You need to have at least an hour of quality contact time per each O. This will raise his Oxytocin level and bring him under control as he was in the early days of your relationship. I know this sounds strange but it is just mammal behaviour.
Google Oxytocin and Coolidge effect and you will see the research that is going on.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-17-2011 06:29 AM

Its important for you to address your needs, especially the one about how you are treated after gifting him with oral pleasure -- have you told him how used it makes you feel when he refuses to look at or touch you after you've made him come? Does he have any idea how easy it would be to make you feel loved in special in those moments rather than treat you like some prostitute? Have you told him how you feel about the way he disconnects afterward?

Have you talked to him about your sexual needs? Have you expressed to him that you want to feel him touch and kiss you, to be inside of you , etc? Does he know you want that from him? I mean not... 'he should know'... but does he know, know... have you said the words? Some guys are under the false impression that women don't enjoy sex... I see those men here on these very forums often... where they think doing the dishes for the wife will fill her needs, etc... and don't really see that the woman wants to orgasm and feel good down there too.

Your communication of how it feels after you please him, and how you want to be pleased by him is very important because if you express, clearly... how hurt he is making you and how neglected you feel and he doesn't care... then you know that he is not concerned with making you happy. But if you havent told him , you can't be sure if he is just aloof, rather selfish and taking you for granted or if he is genuinly the least bit concerned with making you feel bad.

Talk to him, see what he treats you like after he's made aware... if he still doesn't try to pleasure you, if he is still cold after you do that for him... it might be time to take a good long hard look at what you have in him, how happy you are and if you'd be willing to spend the rest of your years being sexually neglected and made to feel like a masturbation appliance whenever he gets the whim.

Also his name calling, fat jokes and calling you worthless... sound like he is harboring some sort of resentment... towards you or just he world in general -- hows his job? Is he hating life right now so bad that he has to hurt your feelings to feel better? Or is he just a cruel person? Has he always called you names? When did it start and how did you react? Does he appolgoise ? does he think its totally acceptable for him to be mean?

Again some men think by insulting a womans weight they can get her to do something about it, of course they are wrong in that... as it will usually only cause depression and MORE weightgain when they make someone that loves them feel bad about themselves... but seriously, Ive read guys that think talking mean about their wifes weight will make her want to 'fix it'... not realizing that support and encouragment go a long way further than treating someone like garbage.

Either way, you don't deserve to hear those things from the one person that is supposed to love you...

**cm15** · 02-17-2011 08:42 AM

I have read over all of the responses to my post. There are so many valid points, I don't know where to begin. No, my husband wasn't always like this. But for far too long he has treated me this way. We come from polar opposite worlds. I was raised in a loving home with parents who adored one another and recently celebrated 50 years together. What I say growing up is what I have always wanted for myself- a best friend to go through life with. High expectations indeed. My husband on the other hand, was an unwanted, abandoned child. No mother or father figure in the picture. He was beaten daily by his step grandfather and was sent to a boys home, unwanted and unloved. The prostitutes in his neighborhood made sure he got safely on the bus when he was a kid, that he remembers. He never has shared a single memory of his mom with me, not ever. I feel sorry for him, at this point I am doubting if he could ever feel the same joys that I can. However, none of this excuses his behavior. He knows me and what I'm about. I want respect and more, I just think it's time to do some serious soul-searching. We've been together 12 years and I did consider him my best friend. Now I'm feeling a bit destroyed. I just need time to sort this out, if that's even possible.