I really don't understand it!

**ashleyannross** · 02-19-2011 09:40 AM

I have been with my boyfriend almost 4 years ! We have not had sex in three months I'm 22 and he is 27. I have tried everything from going to the gym 5 times a week and lost 21 pounds i also tried lingerie, toys and being very direct. Sex is a huge issue in our relationship. I try asking him why he doesnt ever want to but he tells me nothing. i feel like he would rather masterbate than be with me. It makes me think that i am unatractive and discust him, this has really brought my self esteem down. I was much more confident before i was with him and i have never tried so hard to please someone. For the first time in my life i have actually thought about cheeting but i know i would never do that to him. do i give up? am i trying to hard? I need real advise cause im out of ideas.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-19-2011 12:47 PM

A healthy 27 year old guy has a biological need to 'release' either he's masturbating for it... or letting it build into nocturnal emissions? My guess is he's masturbating... this is all assuming he's healthy, not on any medications for anxiety/depression, not having problems with drugs/alcohol and doesn't have anything medically going with his testosterone levels.

Guys choose to masturbate over sex for different reasons; habit, porn addiction, selfishness, lazyness, emotional disconnection from the relationship, resentment for their partner, etc... there are so many reasons and none of them are good.

A lot of men see masturbation as a part of a routine that has nothing to do with their sex life... of course they are wrong, but try telling one of them that the reason they have a 'low sex drive' is because they are masturbating their drive away. I've read guys on this very board wonder why their drive is so low yet they masturbate daily its like uhhh duh... thats why your drive for sex is so low.

If your boyfriend were to obstain more often then not from the self-time, he would have a lot more urges to be close to you sexually... but you have to figure out why he doesn't want to do that. Does he have performance anxiety? Is he a selfish lover? Does he KNOW... as in you have specifically said... that you want more sex with him? Believe it or not some guys don't see women as sexual, think they just do it for them and actually think they are doing you some sort of favor by not 'bothering' you with it.

How is the rest of the relationship? Is he still affectionate? Does he still make you feel special? Does he make an effort to make you happy? Is he stressed for some reason? Any major changes in his life? Have you talked about how the lack of intimacy is making you feel?

**tinyclitt** · 02-19-2011 01:14 PM

You might try finding out when he masturbates and then joining him in the act. Eagerly assist him. Look at some of his favorite porn together with him, whatever. Just so that you're involved. On the other hand, if you're honestly tried everything you can including satisfying all his sexual needs and he's still not responding and satisfying your needs as well, then I'll bet there are a million other men who need YOU more than he does. It takes time, dating is such a pita, but it's well worth the effort. The sooner the better.

**jns** · 02-19-2011 07:34 PM

Originally Posted by ashleyannross

It makes me think that i am unatractive and discust him, this has really brought my self esteem down. I was much more confident before i was with him and i have never tried so hard to please someone.

ashley, you are a beautiful, attractive young woman. The problems your bf has are his problems, not caused by you in any way. You are going beyond the call of duty to lose weight to try to be more attractive to him. HD has some good observations and questions.

**PatrickJW** · 02-20-2011 02:08 PM

Or maybe he's gay, and in a relationship with a women to hide that fact. It does happen.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-20-2011 02:41 PM

Ask him point blank, I don't care what the reason is, if you no longer love me, find me attractive, if you masterbate and watch porn as a preference, but what I care about is without communication we don't have a relationship and therefore, if I am not in one, it's time to move on, if that's not what you want, then talk to me or sorry, it's time to move on.

If that doesn't shake him up a bit and be serious with both your words and actions, then nothing will

Because it's only when they realise they've lost someone do they realise that they "need" to discuss something as important as this.

CW

**Texasred** · 02-20-2011 05:15 PM

Originally Posted by ashleyannross

I have been with my boyfriend almost 4 years ! We have not had sex in three months I'm 22 and he is 27. I have tried everything from going to the gym 5 times a week and lost 21 pounds i also tried lingerie, toys and being very direct. Sex is a huge issue in our relationship. I try asking him why he doesnt ever want to but he tells me nothing. i feel like he would rather masterbate than be with me. It makes me think that i am unatractive and discust him, this has really brought my self esteem down. I was much more confident before i was with him and i have never tried so hard to please someone. For the first time in my life i have actually thought about cheeting but i know i would never do that to him. do i give up? am i trying to hard? I need real advise cause im out of ideas.

Any time you're in a relationship that brings you down rather than lifting you up, it's no good and you should end it. A relationship that doesn't enable you to grow is destructive.
As other posters have said, there are other men out there, at least one of whom would be absolutely overjoyed to be your frequent and ardent lover.