frusterated, self conscious, lack of sex

**mistyL** · 02-28-2011 02:44 PM

I apologize for how long this will end up being.

I am 21, he is 27. We have been dating for about 2 years and a few months. Moved in together after about 8 months. Sex was GREAT for the first year and a half..then started dwindling until last november it completely stopped. I started dropping subtle hints but of course, those did not work. I checked the internet and saw he had viewed some maxim sites but no actual porn. Checked the tv and did discover he had watched porn a few times (3-5 times) in about a months time period..so as far as i can tell he isn't a chronic porn watcher. When i discovered the porn it did strike up an argument where i flat out told him that i was unhappy with our sex life and wished when he was in the mood to come to me instead of the porn..(don't have a problem with porn but if we aren't having sex and he is watching it..then yes). after i told himi how i felt he said he was also unhappy about us not having sex and that we would work on it seeing as how it is our only problem. Well that was in january. Valentines rolled around with no progress made or being made so i decided i would go all out and bought some skimpy lingerie. Well he seemed eager to have sex that night but could not get an erection..i asked him what i could do to turn him on and he did tell me a few things that ended up working..given this information and the fact that after 3.5 months we finally had sex i thought this might make a change in our sex life. NEGATIVE. 2 weeks later and no sex or anything even close to it. I asked him a few nights ago why we never have sex and he just said i don't know and changed the subject. I told him that i have needs and would like to spend time with him doing something other then watching television.. and still nothing.

I feel like i am the only one making any effort to talk about it, initiate it..and i just get rejected. I honestly feel like he just doesn't find me attractive whatsoever and there is just not any physical chemistry anymore. I feel self conscious and insecure and this makes it 10x more difficult to try to initiate sex or to have a serious heart to heart about it.

He doesn't seem to care about sex at all and it really hurts me because we use to have sex 5+ times a week. He did tell me once that we don't have sex because i do nothing to turn him on. that hurt a lot because use to i didn't have to do anything i could be wearing sweatpants and he would want me. and also, he isn't doing anything to put me in the mood either so why should i have to make all this effort when he does nothing?

Thanks for reading.. i just needed to rant and get some opinions.

Oh and also, about 99% sure cheating is out of the question. He is ALWAYS here, never does anything suspicious, never hides anything. Checked his phone a few times and found nothing at all, no pictures, phone numbers, texts..nothing.

**stressed** · 02-28-2011 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by mistyL

Oh and also, about 99% sure cheating is out of the question. He is ALWAYS here

This may be a reason for this situation. If you're always together, have the same routine in your lives, if either of you is unhappy with work/other issues, and neither of you does anything about it then lack of sex can occur after 1.5 years (5 times a week for 1.5 years of living together is pretty good actually, considering the average).

How are your lives with sex aside? Did anything unusual/a change happen last summer? A conversation about the future? Something health/family related? Anything?

It sounds as if something is on his mind or he needs a change in his everyday life.

Also, now that you have brought up the problem you should be even more patient with sex (been there, done that myself), because now he must be thinking about it as much as you are, especially since he's started developing erection problems. The majority of men find it extremely difficult to discuss sex when they know it's them to blame for the problem and won't talk about it openly. They rather solve it by themselves or never solve it.

**Sumerain** · 02-28-2011 04:26 PM

i have almost the exact same problem with my boyfriend except we've never had regular sex since we've been together which drives me crazy because i have a high sex drive to begin with. . i know how you feel girl and all we can do is hang in there and hope things will improve.

**oxy-moron** · 02-28-2011 04:45 PM

This has been mentioned on this site many times before. You can search the site.
There is usually a honey moon period of up to two years in which sexual attraction is boosted. After that you generally see the real person.
In your case the Porn is a bad sign- It desensitises people to sex over time. He will require more and more exotic stimulation over time to get erections.
Another issue is the Coolidge effect. All mammals suffer(or are influenced) from this and it makes a partner less attractive for days or weeks after orgasm.
It is why Tantric sex and other disciplines were created over the past centuries. He will still be interested in sex- just not with you- so therefore the porn- he thinks he is not cheating. ( If porn were restricted to pictures of the same woman he would loose interest in that too)
There is a book called "cupids poison arrow" . The website associated with it is worth a look as as well. It looks at lot of issues that are pertinent to your problem.-including porn. You don't have to follow the teachings - once you realise the forces that are at play you can start influencing things in your favour.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-28-2011 05:04 PM

...dropping subtle hints...

Men don't do or get hints....at all. If you want us to see a line....put the dots real close together.

The lack of sex is a "symptom" of something else. You need to find out what that something else is....

I tend to believe that porn is playing a bigger roles than you suspect it is. Perhaps he is comparing you to the fictitious man made bodies he is seeing in porn. Generally, "self pleasuring" goes along with porn. So how often does he "self pleasure"?

I don't wnat to be redundant by repeating what other's have said....I just think the lack of sex is a symptom and not the problem.

**mistyL** · 02-28-2011 06:48 PM

Well from the very small amount of porn that i saw i don't think porn is the issue. I mean, i myself look at porn every now and again and it doesn't keep me from finding him sexually attractive whatsoever.

Seeker- I am well aware subtle hints do not work, thats why i posted that "of course they didn't work"

I know that there has to be something greater going on, but i have tried to have the conversation 2 dozen times and he absolutely will not communicate about the issue.

I know that sex dwindles over time, but he is only 27.. and we have been dating 2 years.. i mean.. i think 4 months is a pretty long time..maybe a couple weeks but FOUR MONTHS.

I'm just sad really.

**rcoreyus** · 02-28-2011 06:57 PM

When you ask about your sex life what does he say?

It could be something specific wrong, or it could be that he just has a low sex drive (after the novelty wore off).

**WildChild** · 02-28-2011 11:35 PM

Get him him for a physical including having his hormone levels checked. If his body isn't maintaining a fairly consistant hormonal balance that could account for this.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-01-2011 06:41 AM

Sounds like he's depressed or detached, and is probably meeting his biological need to release occasionally.. through masturbation... that porn 5 times on the tv, and a few maxim sites... was more action than YOU got from him this month. Him telling you that you do nothing to turn him on is a bad sign, not a bad sign that YOU don't turn him on... but a bad sign that instead of trying to think of things he can do to make intimacy between you guys better-- he's resorting to blaming... which isn't going to help at all.

Does he work? Does he exercise? Does he take medication or use drugs/alcohol? With his attitude, refusing to talk about things... it doesn't sound like it would be a good idea for you to sit around coming up with new and exciting ways to entice him... because it seems less about you and more about something going on with him.

If he would talk to you, you guys could work this out... if he cares about your happiness... he will try to make you feel beautiful, sexy, wanted and special.. he'll want you to feel like the woman you are. A 'great relationship' with zero passion is a great roomate, great friend... but is no great relationship.

**melody99** · 03-01-2011 10:44 AM

yeah it seem like he is depressed. You need to talk to him about why he is depress rather than the sex issue. He probably feel more depressed because he feel he might had disappointed you since he have a hard time getting into the mood and get an erection. Talk to him about what is the real problem. Once that resolved, the sex issue can then be resolved.