Husband has been masturbating

**busy_mama_of_4** · 03-01-2011 08:26 AM

Ok, first of all, I want to point out that I know that masturbation is normal. I do it too. I don't want you to think I'm one of those women who thinks it's bad and her husband can't do it or something.

A lot of things have gone on in my marriage in the last year, I've caught my husband lying to me on many occasions about many things, he's an alcoholic but has been sober (as far as I know) since September 2010. Basically, as a result of all of this I am extremely insecure and I have a problem trusting him. As far as I know, he's been faithful. Sometimes I wonder, but I really do not have any reasons or evidence to indicate that he's done anything like that. That's probably just my insecurity.

So, this morning when I'm taking a shower, I notice that there is a bottle of baby lotion in the shower. There's only one reason it could be in there; he must have used it to masturbate. I know he does this in the shower; like I said, I do it too. For some reason it really bothers me that A)it's baby lotion. It just seems a little sick to get turned on to something that smells like babies and B) I don't want to see evidence of his masturbation. It does make me feel insecure and like I'm not doing a good enough job keeping him "happy". We have only had sex maybe 2 times in the last month, but that's because I had strep and then the whole family got the flu. It's been awful!

I think I may also be battling a little bit of depression, but it isn't bad. It just seems like we are always struggling financially. My husband just interviewed for a promotion at work that we were sure he would get, and some guy that he really cannot stand got the job so that was a bummer.

I really do not want to have sex, but I do it anyway and do usually end up enjoying myself so it's OK I guess. I really need to get more secure with my body and my self image but I don't know how to do that. I do not like my naked body at all. I am too skinny (only 115 lbs after having 4 kids). This is due to the fact that I'm nursing at this time so I know I'll put some weight back on after I wean him. I have the stretch marks, the poochy belly, etc. He swears he thinks I'm sexy but I don't see how.

So what I'm planning to do is throw out all of the baby lotion because that just bothers me - masturbating with baby lotion. Then I wasn't planning on saying anything to him about it.

I guess I just need some words of encouragement. I'm not sure what I need; maybe just to talk about it. I hope I didn't talk in circles. I sometimes do that when I'm upset or stressed.

Please tell me what you're thinking. Am I being ridiculous?

**pretzel** · 03-01-2011 08:55 AM

Personally, throwing out the baby lotion only eliminates the evidence for you. He could easily just use something else so I think it's neither here nor there. I don't think it's ridiculous.

You mentioned you may feel like you have some depression. I think your husband does too. The loss of the promotion could have eased some of the financial insecurities especially since I get the impression that with 4 kids (assumed from your user name) and your nursing the youngest (?) there would a huge dissapointment in his not getting the promotion. To top that off, you mentioned that since the birth of you last child you aren't comfortable with your post partem body and that his words that he finds you sexy as being unconvincing. So aside from the financial issues he's now feeling somewhat unwanted sexually also. Unfortunately these two things generally are the basis of how many men feel about their own self worth. Right now both have taken huge hits. This is why I think he's also somewhat depressed.

**busy_mama_of_4** · 03-01-2011 09:33 AM

You could be right about him possibly being depressed. I didn't think of it that way. I was concerned that he would get down on himself for not getting the promotion so I made it clear that I wasn't disappointed in him or anything like that.

What do you suggest?

**pretzel** · 03-01-2011 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by busy_mama_of_4

You could be right about him possibly being depressed. I didn't think of it that way. I was concerned that he would get down on himself for not getting the promotion so I made it clear that I wasn't disappointed in him or anything like that.

What do you suggest?

Probably the best thing for him right now is to let him work through the dissapointment but not obsess about it. The longer you allow him to fester the more it will bother him. Unfortunately I don't think your letting him know that you weren't dissapointed will ring true for him. He understands that both of you were dissapointed and rightly so.

He needs a self confidence boost. Maybe a nite for just the two of you. Something to reignite his passion. Something that will take his mind off of things for a little while.

(and as an aside, you could use a nice little self confidence boost yourself. make a date for just the two of you and both of you plan something with the other in mind)

**rcoreyus** · 03-01-2011 11:03 AM

If he is masturbating and turning you down for sex, that is a problem. If he is masturbating and you are turning him down, the he is just finding an alternate release.

You say you don't really want to have sex - he probably senses this. Why not? Is there something he could do to make you enjoy it more?

**jns** · 03-01-2011 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by busy_mama_of_4

I really do not want to have sex, but I do it anyway and do usually end up enjoying myself so it's OK I guess. I really need to get more secure with my body and my self image but I don't know how to do that. I do not like my naked body at all. I am too skinny (only 115 lbs after having 4 kids). This is due to the fact that I'm nursing at this time so I know I'll put some weight back on after I wean him. I have the stretch marks, the poochy belly, etc. He swears he thinks I'm sexy but I don't see how.

Guys can see the woman they love and not see any flaws that she thinks she has.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-01-2011 09:59 PM

I think if you are not having sex with him, you shouldn't be mad at him for masturbating... most healthy men have a biological need to 'release' and having sex twice in one month is probably not enough to fill that need. As far as it being baby lotion... I think its sort of unfair to think that is sick and twisted or whatever... he's a dude. He's thinking... lubrication... he isn't connecting all the little dots the way you have in your mind to associate it with the smell of babies etc... he's probably just thinking... oh, there's some lotion.

As far as your body image is... there are things you can do to make yourself feel sexy, even with that pooch, even with those stretch markes... I've got the stretchmarks and am extremly insecure about them... so I know how you feel -- but for me i just don't expose them under heavy floursent lighting... and I'm fine

By that I mean if I show my tummy off... candlelight pls, k thx. For lights on sex, i pull my shirt off and leave it hanging around my waist... this way i can expose my goodies and still feel confident.

In order to be sexual, you have to feel sexy. Know that when you and your man go to your room, you are the HOTTEST thing in the room, pooch, stretchmarks, morning breath, whatever... you are marilyn monroe in that bed, all eyes on you... own that. This man decided that YOU are the one he wants for the rest of his life -- you, that you are all the woman he wants or needs, sure you had some kids and got a few marks... I'm sure he's not chizzled perfection either, thats real life.

There is nothing wrong with feeling down about what he's doing, you are entitled to feel anyway you organically feel. But I do think its unfair for you to expect him to go without sex for long periods of time AND not masturbate... somethings got to give there.

**Jimbeau** · 03-01-2011 10:24 PM

Lest you think he's a perv, some guys associate the smell of baby lotion with freshly shaved legs. But I'll second Dork's assertion that it was just probably the best thing "at hand" for getting the job done.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-02-2011 11:08 AM

As I have said often in this forum (something that is similar to what jns has siad already):

Where women see bumps, bulges and imperfections, the men who love them see only curves.

Excuse me ladies, but haven't most of you "earned" your stretch marks....from child birth? There are actually men out there that make comments about stretch marks ? Really? I've seen my share of stretch marks, as I will only date mothers....and I can't imagine doing such a thing.

As for the baby lotion...NO BIG DEAL...it was already purchased and easily accessible and HD said it best...."oh, there's some lotion".

**Cyndie32** · 03-02-2011 11:56 AM

instead of throwing the baby lotion out, maybe just wait till the next time he is taking a shower and join him. offer to help him masturbate. hopefully this will show him that you want to be part of the solution.