How to help a woman that cant instigate?

**sterlingregina** · 03-01-2011 02:57 PM

Ladies Im looking for help with an issue that has come up in my relationship with my girlfriend. Ive never dealt with this type of issue before and figure that getting other woman's guidance might provide some value. I love my girl friend dearly and will do anything I can to help things between us. Thanks in advance!

I have been dating a girl for 3 months; we are both in our early 30s and are well educated, healthy, active, fit individuals. We have both had our share of short and long terms relationships, so being in a relationship isnt really new to us. What is different for both of us is how special this one is and how much we are a great fit for each other and love each other. However our relationship has hit a bit of a snag. She is unable to instigate sexual activity in a way that I can read it. Now she isnt shy or inexperienced at all, and neither am I. For the most part we have great sex; its fulfilling for both of us and we both orgasm. I regularly perform oral sex for her and am always cognizant of her sexual happiness. The issue is that she cant start the process, either through physical or verbal actions. Im not referring to big actions here like oral sex, Im talking about little things like telling me she is sexually excited, and/or touching me sensually. All of the initiation is left up to me. I know she wants it, and wants me to start it. Now Im not a forceful man in any sense.. I would never force myself upon a woman and am very sensitive to her feelings to make sure I am doing things that she would want done. I dont have any issue initiating this either... however my issue is that I do not feel sexually desired by always having to start things. If I use my brain I know that she wants me, but I do not feel that she wants me; and that is important to me. We have discussed this on several occasions; we actually communicate pretty well... but there hasnt been a great solution to this issue. Ive proposed several things like having a little non-descript signal that she could use.. but this didnt work out. This pattern also continues during sex; where she is totally passive about what she wants or will do. From my perspective I dont feel like what I am asking is unreasonable at all. In fact I think I am asking what should already exist in a normal healthy sexual relationship. However, the issue exists and she is important to me so we need to find a resolution. The more we deal with this issue, the worse it is as it becomes a bigger issue. I dont want this to spiral out of control.

So my questions are this:
1. Am I being unreasonable in asking for my girlfriend to show and do basic things to show and start sexual activity?
2. How should I best approach communicating with her about this issue?
3. Any ideas how I can make her more comfortable with doing this?
4. What can I change and/or do to make this better?

Again, thanks for the help!

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-01-2011 03:33 PM

A man's perspective....

Patience my friend, patience....

90 days to some is a blink of an eye. 90 days to other's may be an eternity.

Obviously, I do not know either of you, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she is choosing NOT to instigate sexual activity instead of being "unable" to instigate it. IMO something else is going on, as I see this as a symptom and not the problem.

You say you have discussed it on several occasions but there hasn't been a great solution to this issue. Again, IMO, something is going on that is causing her to block out making any effort or not attempt/bother to make any effort.

More communication is needed. Have you considered a third party professional, who does not have a dog in this fight (so to speak)? There are a lot of well trained professionals that deal with sexual challenges everyday.

1) Are you being unreasonable...? Not unreasonable necessarily, but could your expectations of her be too high at this point? Did you discuss
physical intimacy and what each expects of the other before you started engaging in it?

2) Approach additional communication when you're not interested in engaging in any sexual activity so the "pressure" is off.

3) Be honest. Give her verbal clues, "that feels good" or "ooh and ahh" when she does something that brings you pleasure/makes you feel good.
Little compliments will encourage her to keep at it, boost her confidence in doing it, make her feel good about doing it and encourage her to do more of it (whatever "it" is). But I will underscore the importance of being honest with her....don't fake any compliments just like you should never fake an orgasm (IMO).

4) There is very little you can change to make it "better" other than the way in which you approach it....with patience and understanding....until you get to the root of what is causing it.

**jns** · 03-01-2011 07:20 PM

You have a typical male problem, men don't do hints. She has a typical female problem, she wants you to get her hints. She probably is used to the man as the lead in bedroom action.

Does her body ever betray what she is thinking, such as stiff nipples or being flushed with excitement? Can you pick up on these situations?

Use pillow talk afterward to determine if she liked what happened. Not prying but casual. Read between the lines.

**WildChild** · 03-01-2011 07:24 PM

Just teasingly ask her if she wants it? If she wants it from you? If she says yes, then kiss her and whisper in her ear, "I need to hear that sometimes". Repeat. Eventually she'll get it.

**Jimbeau** · 03-01-2011 10:31 PM

Is it possible she's had an experience with you or someone else where she's tried to start something and been rejected? That can inhibit someone from doing it again.

**zarzie** · 03-02-2011 12:47 AM

I am really bad for this. I would always let my husband take the lead and ask for it. I was always under the belief a woman being forward was a little to forward. I never felt comfortable. Though in saying this if i felt horny i would drop those subtle hint. more cuddly, and smoochy, want to go to bed early, a little more touchy and more hugs, but i would never come flat out and say hey I want you NOW! I just did not feel comfortable in doing this.

However, after talking about it and my husband saying I like to be approached because of this reason and and that reason and it makes me feel good and blah blah. I made a big effort and stepped outside of my comfort zone, and man I love it now. I get sex when I want it to and don't have to wait for hours till he finally gets the hints.

So talk about it, let her know how you feel, and make sure there is advantages for her too. And when she asks for it make it worth her while to build her confidence - cause take it from me, when it is hard to ask, and when you finally do, it is a confidence booster for it all to work out.

**WildChild** · 03-02-2011 09:32 AM

I do agree with JimBeau and Zarzie that rejection can be a big factor in this. Many men, despite claiming to want a woman who is sexually agressive and lets them know they want it, in reality cannot accept this from a woman. It seems to threaten their strange idea that this is part of being in control which is some sort of manly perogative. They will play a pushme pullme game of telling her they want her to want them and rejecting her advances. With them it is a control game. Sometimes it is subtle and other time very overt. You know, shoving her face in your crotch saying, "do you want it? Tell me how much you want it" Is not encouraging her to initiate - it is control. He is choosing when and how she "initiates" and scripting it.

The more subtle forms are things like turning your face when she wants to kiss, telling her you are busy - not gently, not I want you so much I wish I didn't have a meeting to get to, but going to turn on the TV.

Despite all the overt sexuality in advertising (sex gets attention and sells) we are loaded with messages about what "nice" women do or don't do. We've dealt with or watched other women deal with being labled a ho. Men may welcome a sexual woman who knows what she wants, until they get po'd and want to sting and then she gets villified for what he said he loved. Men shut women down daily often without thinking. Like bulls in the china shop. Unless she is very confident and bit thick skinned, you have to make it safe for her to be open about her desires so that she can initiate sex.

Do talk with her about it, gently and sensuously, help her open up to this. If she initiates, respond positively. That doesn't mean you have to sex right that moment if the timing is poor but use it as part of the build up of anticipation. Also talk about the fact that contrary to media and male culture B,S, men don't always want sex and aren't constantly ready to get down to it. Many women (and men) have bought into this nonsense and women can feel very rejected if a man just isn't in the mood. (I still get a chuckle out of remembering a convo with a gf years ago about the when we first realized that males did not have a constant erection, just waiting for our hot little selves to put to use. Hey when we were teens we never saw a guy naked w/o a hard on LOL)

**Beckers** · 03-03-2011 07:27 PM

My bf and I used to have this problem, though it was reversed and little different. He didn't initiate sex, but once we started having sex he would like to take control. So it was great expect that I always had to start it.

We are very open and honest. When I realized this problem I had many discussions with him about it. I avoided making him feel like he was doing something wrong. I brought it up as an area he could try an improve upon, but I didn't pressure it. I explained it to him by first complimenting how great he is in bed, and then saying I wish he would surprise me by initiating sex sometime, and then saying how much I love being intimate with him, but it would be nice for me to take the back seat sometimes. Eventually he started initiating sex, in small ways, and the next time we discusses it I would always compliment him on how much he's improved and how much confidence he's gained. After awhile he just started initiating it because he realized how much I like it, and how good it makes him feel to get me going.

I dunno, I hope that's helpful! Good luck =]

**ItsASecret** · 03-03-2011 09:10 PM

I am one of those women that simply do not instigate. I think I have maybe 3 times in the 3 years I have been with my bf. It is not because I do not want sex it is simply because I am not a vocal 'let it out there' type person. I do not appear naked for no reason, I won't chase him around the house, I won't rip his pants open and give him oral type thing. Just not an upfront "give it to me" attitude. Maybe your gf is the same way. Some people just do not like being in control, I know I definitely do not. You need to talk to her and find out if she is comfortable with any certain way to make it known that she wants sex without making it a "come and get it' scene if she is not comfortable with that type of expression. Even a certain way she kisses you could be the way she lets you know that she wants sex.

This pattern also continues during sex; where she is totally passive about what she wants or will do.

I am also passive during sex and all I can say is remember that what excites one woman can bore another. If you know her body you can keep doing the things she likes. Sometimes new fancy things just do not do it for a person so they simply do not want to do it, hence the passiveness.

**Jimbeau** · 03-04-2011 06:23 AM

Originally Posted by sterlingregina

. This pattern also continues during sex; where she is totally passive about what she wants or will do.

I missed that part until it was referenced in another response. I think she's just not that into you but you'll do until something better comes along. Women, and men for that matter, don't act that way with someone they're crazy about. Sorry but that's my honest appraisal.