Advice for plain old sexual incompatibility?

**doeadeer** · 03-08-2011 07:24 PM

I could really use some practical solutions--I've been dating the man of my dreams for about a year, but we're totally incompatible sexually and it's no one's fault. Does anyone have any advice for any of the following issues?
1. He has delayed ejaculation (probably, we think, from the death-grip he uses on himself). He wants to come during intercourse, but he always goes an hour or more without getting anywhere, so that he's on the point of vomiting by the time he gives up. I try to do some of the work, but can't seem to do anything he likes while I'm on top. My doctor said the solution was for him to stop touching himself for awhile so he gets used to a lighter grip (even if he'll never enjoy intercourse). Several times he's said he'd try it, but he only lasts a day and you can imagine how my nagging him to stop went over.
2. He doesn't like receiving oral sex and my grip, even after working out, isn't strong enough to get him off by hand. I've had past experiences with other men, and this just wasn't a problem. Sometimes I can get him off after an hour or so, but it's getting rarer and rarer.
3. I am extremely dry; I have to lube up every 2-3 minutes, during which time he loses his erection. I don't know if this is physical or it's just a lack of arousal from dreading the long haul. It makes sex very painful, and he obviously can't enjoy himself when he knows he's hurting me.
4. I have a very high sex drive, and I'd like to practice to get better, but he never initiates and only agrees to sleep with me once a month or less. It's not like he tapered off after the excitement wore off--he never wanted it more than once every two weeks even when we first started sleeping together. He's only 24, so I doubt it'll get better.
5. He has a very, very strong foot fetish. I don't love it but I don't really mind it. But it worries me that when he watches "porn"--which he does all the time--there is no nudity and no sex. He just touches himself while looking at pictures of fully-clothed women doing everyday things. While he says he likes penetrative sex and it's just that he's too tired for a 2-hour bout of it all the time, I'm pretty sure he's happier with his hand--and since he's only had sex with me and it's been awful, I don't blame him.

Despite the annoyance that probably comes across here, we do love each other and I think we would do well long-term. But I'm afraid I'm headed for a sexless marriage where I know my otherwise-loving husband is getting himself off in the next room several times a day and doesn't want to touch me, and when he does, I don't enjoy it. He's afraid he'll never satisfy me. We've talked about it but we're out of ideas. I don't want to leave him, which is why I'm asking for practical solutions. But I've had great sex with other men and that thought keeps nagging at me, and that's not fair to him. Does anyone have any ideas to save a great relationship?

Thanks in advance, everyone. I just needed somewhere to ask.

**WildChild** · 03-08-2011 11:28 PM

And how is this man the "man of your dreams"? If I dreamed all that I would call it a nightmare.

He needs to back off the jacking off until he is able to be responsive. If he isn't willing to do it, well that tells you something.

**oxy-moron** · 03-09-2011 02:09 AM

WC I knew you wouldn't be able to walk past this one.
Wow doeadear you have your work cut out for you. My first instinct is to tell you to run.
Try indulging his foot fetish . Get him into giving you long sensual foot massages. This will boost his interest and drive by boosting his oxytocin levels.
It will boost your oxytocin levels as well and help with your lube problem. Do not encourage him to reach orgasm but rather to just make love till you are finished. You will be practising by default a method of lovemaking called Karezza.( google it) This will strengthen your relationship.
But try starting off with the feet.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-09-2011 05:05 AM

I have to agree with WC on this one....How is this guy your "dream"?

As for his DE, he's going to need to do A LOT of work to get over it...and the first thing is NO masturbation for weeks if not months. Same thing with the porn, though I think asking him to give up both at the same time, based on what you've shared, would be impossible.

He is your "dream", yet in your early twenties you already see the possibility of a "sexless" marriage in the future? That's no dream...

Masturbation and porn "are only a problem" when they effect a relationship....Both are effecting yours...

Forget your wetness concern for now and focus on him giving up masturbation.

Just like WC said, "If he isn't willing to do it, well that tells you something."

**Jim60** · 03-09-2011 06:27 AM

Unlikely a sexless marriage will last. He is more interested in his fetish than he is in you. If he can't abstain even for a day to try and help the problem he either has deep pscycological problems or just doesn't care. If you are concerned about this now, think how you will feel in ten years. You have to think of this the same way as a serious drug or alcohol problem.

You have a man who would be great if only you could change this or that about him - others here will tell you how likely you are to succeed.

**Texasred** · 03-09-2011 09:23 AM

You want advice for sexual incompatibility?
Here it is: find someone who wants to have sex with you, not with himself.
You'll never have anything but unending frustration with this guy, and sooner or later - but most likely sooner - you'll find yourself first resenting him then actively disliking him.
With good reason, I might add.

**baddabing** · 03-09-2011 11:05 AM

I can only see this ending up as resentment. If there was a little more 'give' rather than 'take' on his part you would have something to work with and know that over time you could guide him to do more of what you like, whilst you adapt to some of his quirks.

Sadly I can only see a non-starter

**WildChild** · 03-09-2011 01:25 PM

If you really want to exhaust all possiblities, I agree with Oxy. Granted those of us who are into pentrative sex do get an extra orgasmic bang out feeling our man orgasm - they get harder right before and its just plain good- but on those rare occasions when he consents to bless you with the use of his penis just go until you have cum. It will be like having a living dildo but he doesn't seem to want a real woman sexually anyway.

Sweetie I've been there, spent 2-1/2 years with a man who could cum when he wanted to but really didn't want a woman to get there. He was a fan of bjs and hjs in addition to his special relationship with Rosie. What I wanted or needed was not a concern, his response when I tried to initiate was, "Don't you have a vibrator?" I'm with a man now who really wants to be with me. He doesn't watch porn, prefers sex to masterbation and loves to cuddle. The difference is huge. I'm not as emotionally connected (probably because the other relationship was so emotionally damaging) but I am getting closer and closer to him because of the way he treats me.

Yes, I think you are right that the dread of the marathon may well be messing up your arousal, so you should use lube. If you stick with this for some time you will tank your sex drive and he can jack off as much as he wants while you sit and watch tv alone in the other room. Many years ago, I lived with a man who occasionally had this problem, one time we went at it (we did take a couple bathroom and drink breaks) for 6 or 7 hours. It was ridiculous. He seemed to think it was some sort endurance contest and finally told me that I had "won" after I told him it was getting too boring and we need to stop.

This is not normal behavior. If the man isn't willing to work to correct it you might as well plan on a lifetime of self pleasuring, talk to him about having an open relationship (in a sense he's already in one since his sexual pleasure comes from another source) or leave.

**stressed** · 03-11-2011 12:01 PM

First and foremost: He's sexually inexperienced and apparently unable, in every way -physically and mentally-, to sexually satisfy a woman due to the issues he has. He needs counseling. You can't help him and he can't help himself, he needs help from a third party whether you stay together or not.

Now, to your points:

1) He has to stop masturbating. If he can't avoid it for one day, despite the problems it is causing to him and to you, he's addicted and has to admit it to himself.

2) He's too used to his own hand and the death-grip. This always interferes with sex, regardless the age. Only he can fix this by keeping his hands off himself. Can he? Does he want to? Does he understand the consequences this is going to have on his life?

3) You don't become sexually aroused because you are too stressed about his performance. Sex has become about him, whether he can make it or not, whether you will be "good enough for him" or not. He can't satisfy you and he doesn't arouse you, it's totally understandable.

4) He won't get better. If you marry him you will spend the rest of your life fighting your high-sex drive and even feel guilty for having it. At best, you'll stay with him out of pity only to start having thoughts about cheating on him with the next willing man you meet. Don't marry him, this only becomes worse.

5) He IS happier with his hand and avoids sex to avoid pressure, criticism and failure. Fantasies offer him release without criticism or effort. As for the fetish itself, that's not a problem by itself. It's all the rest that is.

He's afraid he'll never satisfy you because he will never satisfy you. He's afraid of the facts and doesn't have the will to change it, he accepts it. You can't save such a relationship. Me, and others like me and you, have tried. But we can't. Sex is very important in a relationship and what you have without it is friendship. Do you want to marry your friend?

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-12-2011 12:48 AM

There is SUCH an easy solution to this... SO EASY... so very easy, he just has to QUIT masturbating until he regains sensitivity... a few days without a 'release' and your less than ninja like grip will STILL be able to bring him to climax... because his body will be craving that orgasm after going with out... HOWEVER easy easy easy it would be to solve this... you are powerless to fix it... its all on him. And if he will not forgo a few days of masturbation to be able to attempt to have a satsifactory intimate encounter with you... you have to wonder just how very much he cares to make you happy, how much he cares for the two of you to have that sexual connection that sustains relationships over time (along with love and trust and respect and fun and good companionship of course).

You shouldn't have to 'nag' him to work with you on this.. he should WANT this to work and if he doesn't... just how good of a dream relationship do you have if he's willing to let you go unsatisfied while he's 'bonding' with his lcd monitor?

You are so young... and so is he, and for him to have advanced into fetishes, for him to have developed the need to require a literal BEATING of his penis in order to feel anything... my guess is that he's been on the porn for a very long time, under a heavy frequency. If he can't see how LITERALLY selfish he is being, do you not think that won't seep its way into other aspects of your relationship?

Unfortunately, there are several men with his issue... but there are more men WITHOUT it... and at the very least, more men that would be willing to try to work on the issue rather than just accept that they will have nothing to offer a woman sexually and will be resigned to turning their penis into shoe leather in front of the computer.

You are a sexual woman, you deserve to feel wanted, special... craved and tended to, satisfied... you shouldn't feel like the neglected third wheel to a threesome between the two of you and his hand.

Once he gets a 'firm grasp' on letting go of his firm grasp for a while... he can still enjoy the occasional self pleasuring to his shoe porn from time to time... he just needs to lay off for the time being, until the two of you can get your intimacy together worked out masturbation should not be on his daily to do list. The less he does it with himself the more he will have a biological response to YOU... the closer you guys can get and the happier you will be... so easy, but you can't drag him over the mountain - he's going to have to decide to climb it himself.