Husbands bisexual fantasies.

**BFC** · 03-11-2011 07:55 AM

I think I may need a reality check. My husband and I had a fabulous sex life, and I was willing to try anything. I am submissive in general in the bedroom, and it was an aspect I enjoyed.

He recently admitted to me that he has bisexual fantasies. This is causing some major blocks for me in the sex arena. He has no interest in acting on them (thankfully), but I feel jipped.

I have given him everything, and he is all I need. I feel like I can never have that in return. I'm game to use toys to give him some of these fantasies, but it feels like this kink has taken over. All we've done since the admittal is missionary or girl on top.

The kink is gone otherwise, because I can't feel like he is actually *mine*. I'm not really sure how to put this in words, I feel like something is gone, because I can't give him all of the sexual release that he needs.

He requires porn and fantasies about men. I was never bothered by porn or fantasies, because I would do any of it, and there was nothing he wanted that he couldn't have.

Now, that's just not true. I don't have a penis.

I was content in my little world, where everything was so good, he had to be satisfied. There was no way he wasn't getting everything he wanted. That turned out not to be true.

My self esteem is majorly damaged. Any words of wisdom or reality checks? Or questions? I know I'm not always clear and concise about this situation.

Thanks.

**baddabing** · 03-11-2011 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by BFC

I think I may need a reality check. My husband and I had a fabulous sex life, and I was willing to try anything. I am submissive in general in the bedroom, and it was an aspect I enjoyed.

He recently admitted to me that he has bisexual fantasies. This is causing some major blocks for me in the sex arena. He has no interest in acting on them (thankfully), but I feel jipped.

I have given him everything, and he is all I need. I feel like I can never have that in return. I'm game to use toys to give him some of these fantasies, but it feels like this kink has taken over. All we've done since the admittal is missionary or girl on top.

The kink is gone otherwise, because I can't feel like he is actually *mine*. I'm not really sure how to put this in words, I feel like something is gone, because I can't give him all of the sexual release that he needs.

He requires porn and fantasies about men. I was never bothered by porn or fantasies, because I would do any of it, and there was nothing he wanted that he couldn't have.

Now, that's just not true. I don't have a penis.

I was content in my little world, where everything was so good, he had to be satisfied. There was no way he wasn't getting everything he wanted. That turned out not to be true.

My self esteem is majorly damaged. Any words of wisdom or reality checks? Or questions? I know I'm not always clear and concise about this situation.

Thanks.

It is a fantasy of mine (which I believe is quite common) to imagine my partner with another man..

The object of my fantasy though is my wife, sure there is a penis involved which I imagine driving my wife wild, but its not the penis or the man it belongs to that becomes my focus, so I can't imagine exactly your husband's train of thought.

I'm not sure why I mentioned it, perhaps its just to say that men's thoughts on other men isn't always as clear cut as you're straight or gay and although the sight or thought of a penis on its own doesn't do anything for me, but a large penis in my wife is a tremendous turn-on.

The second a fantasy, longing or kink takes over it can be corrosive to the relationship as a whole, and its easy to see how you feel deflated because you thought everything was amazing, but his mind was elsewhere. All the best, and the forum regulars seem to always have fantastic advice.

**pretzel** · 03-11-2011 08:30 AM

Not sure if these are words of wisdom nor if it's a reality check, but I can definately understand the hurt you're feeling.

It seems that these fantasies your husband has, no matter his intentions, were never brought up at any time prior to this. In that regard, the hit to your own self esteem I'm sure has been severe.

But in the end, the onus has always been on him to be open and honest with you. It seems that these feelings, however latent they may have been, don't appear to be a result of your unwillingness to be a willing partner.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-11-2011 11:14 AM

Two words: Strap On

**BFC** · 03-11-2011 11:24 AM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

Two words: Strap On

I don't have any issue with that. I just have a block on dealing with his NEED to fantasize and watch porn about men. I feel left out. And it hurts more knowing I have done everything he's ever asked, and would continue to do so.

And that I was completely satisfied with just him. Hurts that I don't get the same in return.

**baddabing** · 03-11-2011 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by BFC

I don't have any issue with that. I just have a block on dealing with his NEED to fantasize and watch porn about men. I feel left out. And it hurts more knowing I have done everything he's ever asked, and would continue to do so.

And that I was completely satisfied with just him. Hurts that I don't get the same in return.

Do you have a secret fantasy you've not told him - It could be the time to bring it to the fore so you can indulge in role-play together so it works both ways

**stressed** · 03-11-2011 11:36 AM

Your husband took quite his time revealing his sexuality to you. Of course you are confused now, he should have mentioned it 'before' asking you to marry him.

You either learn to accept his bisexual side, accept he fantasizes about men, accept that he watches porn to see the men, but also that he'd never act on his fantasies.

Or,

You find that you cannot be married to a bisexual man, that in some way it bothers/disgusts/makes you feel uncomfortable/not enough and you divorce.

It's not just how he behaves in bed (which has been bad since he became open about it) or what kind of porn he watches, but also how you feel about making love with this man. Because, like you said, you will never be enough to him, his need won't go away even if he can control it. Had he told you about this before marriage I'd tell you that it's not a serious issue as long as he won't cheat on you. But it bothers me that he married you without telling you about it. Maybe he tried to fight it or put it away and realized that he can't. What if he'll want more things in the future which he can control now but won't be able to in the future? Will you have to accept that too because you married him?

Think about it.

**oxy-moron** · 03-11-2011 02:25 PM

Hi
There is a site which discusses the long term effects of Porn. One of the concepts is that it discusses is the gradual changes porn causes to sexual thinking.
It tends to desensitise and create a need for more of a hit to get the same feeling. Just as in drug addiction. Over time more and more deviant behaviour becomes the norm.
Possibly he may have strayed on to transsexual porn and graduated on to gay porn.

Equally as possible, he has always been interested in it but has suppressed it. I dont think that there is an easy fix for you as you have lost confidence in him and feel cheated and dis-empowered. You need to dig deeper into this through open communication. Find out when he started to think like this and why he wasnt more open before marriage.
Google reuniting relationships porn- check out this sites views on porn.
This site may offer an alternative behaviour that may help you.

**BFC** · 03-11-2011 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

Hi
There is a site which discusses the long term effects of Porn. One of the concepts is that it discusses is the gradual changes porn causes to sexual thinking.
It tends to desensitise and create a need for more of a hit to get the same feeling. Just as in drug addiction. Over time more and more deviant behaviour becomes the norm.
Possibly he may have strayed on to transsexual porn and graduated on to gay porn.

Equally as possible, he has always been interested in it but has suppressed it. I dont think that there is an easy fix for you as you have lost confidence in him and feel cheated and dis-empowered. You need to dig deeper into this through open communication. Find out when he started to think like this and why he wasnt more open before marriage.
Google reuniting relationships porn- check out this sites views on porn.
This site may offer an alternative behaviour that may help you.

Oh, he's already filled me in. It started as a teenager, and yes, due to porn. He's currently not watching any porn, per my wishes, but I know he can't/won't stay away from it forever. He's now at the point where the bisexual desires "need" an outlet.

He's on a break from porn because I asked him to be. But I know it can't be permanent. He would agree to only watching with me, but I don't know if I can handle watching with him.

I would love to lose the porn permanently, but that seems to me like asking for a more dangerous or damaging outlet.

I do agree though, if porn was less mainstream, and he had never been exposed to this, would he have the curiosity? It's a good valid question. And I used to be Pro Porn.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-12-2011 12:05 AM

Originally Posted by BFC

I don't have any issue with that. I just have a block on dealing with his NEED to fantasize and watch porn about men. I feel left out. And it hurts more knowing I have done everything he's ever asked, and would continue to do so.

And that I was completely satisfied with just him. Hurts that I don't get the same in return.

Would it be less hurtful to you if he had the need to watch porn or fantasize about WOMEN... that looked nothing like you? Say a woman with small breasts if yours were large, or a woman with large if yours were small, or a shorter woman that you or one of another race etc... you can't be every single woman just because you are a woman... and you shouldn't be expected to be...

Nor can you be a man for him... nor should he expect you to be...

This to me is less about his bisexuality and more about respect... if he only wants to be with you , he shouldn't ask you to hang out while he indulges fantasies of being with other people (male or female) while you sit there feeling less than the apple of his eye. I think he's being pretty selfish in expecting you to cater to all his fantasies when all his fantasies involve OTHER people that are not you -- thats not fair to you.

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