Need Help with Sex and Talking About It

**nyx** · 03-12-2011 05:22 PM

Hi, I'm new to this site and I am hoping that you guys can give me some advice. I hate talking about and I am afraid that my inability to talk has put a rift between my boyfriend and me. I think if I could become more comfortable I could better deal with other problems with sex. I guess I'll talk about those too. I have told my boyfriend that I really don't enjoy sex, but I really want to. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I can feel that he's in, but it doesn't feel pleasurable. It just feels like when your mouth is full, not bad not good. I am not sure what it is. My boyfriend has done research but nothing is really helping. It has been going on like this for a while to the point where I have started to push him away. I don't want to be horny because I know it's going to end unsatisfactorily. I also have the fear when I do get in the mood that it will just take to long to get everything done. I also feel guilt about all this. I need to have more positive feeling about sex, because I know it can be a really great thing for your body and heart. There obviously lots of different problems surrounding all this and I'm confused about a lot of things. I do know that I love my boyfriend and I know that I can and really want to enjoy sex. I just need help or advice getting to that point. I hope someone has a similar but victorious story to mine. I want to fix this. I want to be able to tell my boyfriend what I want and I want to be able to enjoy sex. I will welcome ANY advice and I am extremely appreciative!

**bunnigirl** · 03-12-2011 08:06 PM

yeah Im having issues too myself except Im feeling so down about not being able to feel sex.

**nyx** · 03-12-2011 09:12 PM

bunnigirl- That makes me feel so good that someone else has this problem or something similar. I never thought I was alone but it makes a huge difference to have it confirmed. I'm kind of down too, but more than that I want to change this. So maybe people posting can help both of us

Myownsex- Those drops sound awesome. I had also never thought about it being a case me not being sensitive.

Thanks for the comments!

**Thomas Hepburn** · 03-13-2011 03:33 AM

nyx. The ladies here will help you in trying to gain your sexual feelings, but please, in the meantime, bear in mind that your boyfriend, whom you love, is going without sex. Make sure that, even if you do not want sex yourself for the time being, you relieve him by one method or another. Otherwise you could find that, once you have found the solution to your problem, you no longer have a partner who is interested ! People will only accept a certain amount of rejection.

**melody99** · 03-13-2011 03:58 AM

Even if you can't give him sex. At least make sure he feel wanted sexually. So that way he won't feel like he is the problem. After a period of time, he might feel you don't desired him and start wondering. Guys do think of crazy stuff when their lady doesn't seem into him sexually.

Myownsex, have you try the Germany Sex Drops? Does it work for you? I curious to know.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2011 04:01 AM

I don't want to be horny because I know it's going to end unsatisfactorily. I also have the fear when I do get in the mood that it will just take to long to get everything done.

I don't think you are giving the readers the full facts here to answer you....

You get horny.... you in your mind automatically shut off.... Fear... It will take too long, too long for what?

Does he start with oral and you freeze for instance, then he enters and you were too much concentrating on something you are not used to and therefore can't relax..

Or he just penetrates you and you are focusing on cumming so not to disapoint him yet you were horny but your mind is not focusing on the intimacy and so it doesn't happen.

I have a feeling you have a fear of showing yourself, letting yourself feel and you'd love to be yourself but you're frightened to do that so you are concentrating on your fear naturally you can't orgasm and be you after all you are not being you you are holding back.

CW

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-13-2011 10:49 AM

"I come across this product called Germany Sex Drops before..."

Be very weary of ANYBODY that suggests there are drops, pills, creams or lotions that can help you do ANYTHING. In MOST CASES, they do not exist.

I would be very cautious about taking advice like this from a perfect stranger in an open forum.

You obviously have things that you need to work through in your head and in your life, no "drops" are going to help you do that....

I would strongly recommend, as a perfect stranger, that you consider the advice and life experiences of the people in this forum and try applying their concepts and principles to your own life before resorting to drops, pills, potions or creams.

There are many helpful and wise people in here, all you have to do is have an open mind and consider their advice.

**nyx** · 03-13-2011 02:50 PM

but please, in the meantime, bear in mind that your boyfriend, whom you love, is going without sex. Make sure that, even if you do not want sex yourself for the time being, you relieve him by one method or another.

Thank you for the advice. I do take care of his needs and it's not big deal because I like making him feel good. I know he would prefer sex, but I'm doing what I can until I can work all this out.

I don't think you are giving the readers the full facts here to answer you....

Let me start from the beginning. First of all David is my first and only sexual partner, so I'm not really experienced. For one reason or another we stopped having sex as much and I believe it was due to the fact that it was our first year in college. It was really stressful and I was 10 hours away from my parents, so it wasn't always easy. When I say sex, I mean oral, or hand-jobs, or intercourse. So after all that it was hard to get back into it, and now when we have intercourse it is not pleasurable. He is pretty great at everything else though. I just couldn't handle the fact the sex for me was nothing. I hate that. I also hate that I get frustrated so easily, so when he makes a mistake I am more likely to push him away than tell him what he did wrong. I have also pinpointed one source of this reaction, which is the fact that he overreacts sometimes. I told him about this last night, that I need him to be more rational and that he DESERVES to feel more confident about himself. The rest is all me and my shortcomings. When I say it may take too long, I'm afraid it will take too long for me to get into the mood, or for me to have an orgasm. I feel like if I don't deliver in a timely manner he may be discouraged.
We also don't go through that much foreplay, but we could. The problem with that is still me talking, which is one reason I joined the site. I figured by being apart of this it would force me to talk more. It's hard for me to say this much, and I'm doing my best to not skirt around any detail.

I have a feeling you have a fear of showing yourself, letting yourself feel and you'd love to be yourself but you're frightened to do that so you are concentrating on your fear naturally you can't orgasm and be you after all you are not being you you are holding back.

I'm not sure. I'll have to think more about that. Think that I do focus on the fear in a more subconscious way. I have talked with him about what he feels from sex emotionally and I don't feel that. I feel kind of lost there. I can't make myself feel emotionally connected during sex, but I would really like to. I mostly just feel happy that I can make him feel good. I also feel guilty for taking that feeling away from him.

Be very weary of ANYBODY that suggests there are drops, pills, creams or lotions that can help you do ANYTHING. In MOST CASES, they do not exist.

Don't worry. I mostly am interested in the thought that I may have less sensitivity because I had never thought of that. If I go for something like that, I'll wait until I can fix myself first. You're completely right that a pill can't fix whats in my mind. I don't feel that it can either.

Ok, I hope I clarified stuff more. Again I am open to all suggestions because I really want to fix this. Thank you so much for the advice so far.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-13-2011 03:01 PM

Take yourself back to before you both were separated from "intimacy", was it warm and emotional then? Between you both.

Definately taking the intimacy away for a long period of time and then trying to re-connect is extremely hard, because more so, you became "friends" during that time and the love you have is from before when you both bonded.

Talking about it, is destroying it further at this point I think that you should fantasize back when you were bonding, emotionally attached, intimate...

Talking probably is making him anxious as he knows all of the problems as they are being spoken and you can't relax and enjoy it because, it was taken away and a friendship more so took it's place..

Do you both kiss passionately? And, when you kiss do you feel something in the pit of your stomach?

It's the re-bonding that isn't occuring in my opinion... I would concentrate on dating him, kissing each other, hugs, connection again and not speaking in bed, letting him lead you there and re-build his confidence by talking about love, whilst re-building your desires from the dating/kissing/hugs and expectation, instead of it being sex, allowing it to be intimate making love again.

CW

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-13-2011 04:35 PM

I agree with CW in that "...instead of it being sex, allowing it to be intimate making love again."

To me, "sex" is an act between two members of the same species to extend the life of that species, while making love is something different all together and involves much more than the act of "sex" (intercourse). Now I realize that many people in here use the word "sex" when they mean much more than that too. I was merely trying to clarify my position.

There have been many times over the course of our time together when me and the SO have not had "successful" intercourse, yet have still made love. I have written about my struggles at times with dealyed ejaculation in this forum as well as my challenges taking anti-depressants that interfere with my ability to get or maintain an erection.

One question: IF/when you stand in front of a mirror naked, what do you see?

I'd like to suggest that you do a search or even an Advanced Search to find the books on sex or books about sex thread. It might be helpful for you to do some reading...him too. And/or you might also look for and read other threads related to sex as there have been many people facing "challenges" of all kinds that have to do with intimacy between partners.

Whatever you do, don't give up! Sex. Love Making, Making Love, Intimacy or whatever you prefer to call it, is the most amazing thing that can be shared between two people (IMO). When the two people are "clicking", it can be indescribable. When they aren't, it can contain challenges that should be worked through...together.

If I can do it, then I believe you can too.