About to get married: My fiance and sex

**concernedfiance** · 03-14-2011 02:23 PM

Hello, I write this as a very concerned male in my early 20's about to be married to my girlfriend of 2 years. I really thank you all in advance for any input you may have.

My fiance is a recently new elementary school teacher. We first met two summers ago when she was off of work for summer vacation. About a month into our relationship, we began to have sex. She was really into it and you can tell she loved it. When she started teaching again, the sex slowed to about weekly, then every two weeks, to maybe once a month. She is very stressed at work and she says that this is a major factor for the infrequent sex along with others factors such as moral issues with not yet being married. Two weeks ago, her mom moved out from our home so this gives us much more time to be alone so I thought this would help. We made love for the first time in several months a week ago. During sex, she even said, "oh my gosh why aren't we doing this all the time!".

My concern the whole relationship is that it must be me. She is extremely in love with me but maybe she just isn't that sexually attracted to me? Yesterday, we were getting in the mood, and she stopped and started crying. She said she feels so guilty but she just can't be relaxed enough to have sex. I really want to believe her in that it is a stress issue and nothing to do with me, but I cant stop questioning myself. Will it always be like this? We kiss a lot and make out, but it stops at that. She doesn't want me to even touch her if she is not in the mood. She has been on birth control since we met but says that does not think that affects her sex drive. I have been so patient but I am so worried because we are getting married in several months and what if things don't change? I help her out in the classroom, even make most of the dinners....I do as much as I can to keep her stress level down. Are there medications for lack of labido? She just feels really guilty and I am worried that maybe she won't face the truth and realize she isn't sexually attracted to me?

Thank you very much,

Concerned

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-14-2011 03:51 PM

Alot of girls when they know that they are going to get married, do put a mental block up, on sex...Especially, if their grandmother has passed and she loved her grandmother...

She's changed in as much as she has responsibilities now, teaching and as a teacher, she knows right from wrong or at least in her mind what is right or wrong and I am reading that each time you touch her you are doing so, for sex, so she backs away from that as well, ...

The fact that she said "OMG why aren't we doing this more often" means that the attraction is still there...

For sure I think that she is stressed, plus she is planning a wedding but I think it's to do with Morals and for what ever reason, feels that it is wrong she wants to now wait.

If I was you, I would 1) hug her for no reason, and leave her alone for a little bit...kiss her for no reason, let her see that the touches are not for sex, but for her, just because, for love...so she feels loved.....

and 2) talk to her about saving herself until marriage and what that means to her...lead her into the discussion and tell her it's alright if that is what she wants but generally that is a few months before a marriage, if you have already been down that path.... And that you love her, and because of that it's intimacy that you are seeking not sex persay, compromise ....and if she wants to stop, do so a couple of months before so that you can also handle that...

It may also be that you were living with family and she found that hard....again, Morals, they are in another room.......

You will know if she loves you from the reactions of just being loved instead of wanting sex from something you do, in intimacy....then she is in love, so she has to be attracted to you...

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2011 11:22 PM

I seriously doubt this has anything to do with her sexual attraction to you but more so about her interest in sex in general. Does she/has she masturbated? Does she have orgasms with you? Generally for women and sex... the more we have, the more we want... the less we have, the less we crave it. So before she got busy and you were having it all the time, she was likely feeling tuned up all the time.. and now that she is busy and you guys go so long without it... its likely going out of focus for her.

Its kind of like the gym... You may not want to go, you're tired, you'd rather stay in bed... etc.. but once you get in there and get going its awesome... and on the way out the door you're like 'wow why don't i do that more often? I feel AMAZING'... and if you get in the routine of going, you look forward to it... because you know how good you are going to feel... but if you skip a week, then two, then 3... then you got to pep talk yourself back into it again.

Try being sexual with her without the sex, flirting, full body massages, sexy emails or texts... making her feel beautiful and sexy.. remind her of the hot woman you fell in love with that she STILL is.

A lot of women who get married fall into 'wife mode' where they think they need to be all perfect, like wives shouldnt be naughty... etc... and perhaps she's falling into that zone a little early so hopefully you can help her realize she can be both your beautiful, respected bride... as well as the hot mama wearing her highheels as earrings in the bedroom

**oxy-moron** · 03-15-2011 12:22 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Its kind of like the gym... You may not want to go, you're tired, you'd rather stay in bed... etc.. but once you get in there and get going its awesome... and on the way out the door you're like 'wow why don't i do that more often? I feel AMAZING'... and if you get in the routine of going, you look forward to it... because you know how good you are going to feel... but if you skip a week, then two, then 3... then you got to pep talk yourself back into it again.

My wife has said exactly the same thing in the past.

Concerned Fiance- do some searches on this site - this is not an uncommon complaint - sometimes it is men saying their lady has lost interest after 2 years and sometimes it is ladies saying there man has lost interest.

Google -The 7-year itch is now the 3-year glitch .
This is the results of a survey in the UK - interesting results-
The report said that those in the first flush of love can look forward to an average of 3 compliments a week from their partners - a figure which falls to an average of a single weekly compliment at the 3-year high tide mark.

The prognosis gets worse the longer we stay in relationships, 3 in 10 of those surveyed that have been in a relationship for 5 years or more said that they never receive any compliments from their partners.

I personally think that what you are seeing is her at her normal state- the cocktail of feel good hormones has worn off and the associated extra sex drive is gone. DO NOT EXPECT THINGS TO CHANGE. If you carry on behaving as you are the sex will get less frequent. There is no shortage of people on this site who can testify to that.
Taking the Gym analogy - I think there is relationhip fitness (kind of what HD was aluding to)you can try a test - ask her for two or three intimacy nights a week - they should include massage/cuddling- intimate talk and if she wants- sex. If it comes to sex - make it slow relaxing sex- not goal related sex. Make sure you are paying three compliments a week at least- more is better but make them sincere. These behaviours will increase her feeling of being nurtured. Her mammalian circuitry will tell her it is a good time to mate and she will initiate more and be more interested. The behaviours I have described will boost her Oxytocin levels - this will also relax and de-stress her. This aspect will also be beneficial to her drive if this was a contributing problem. If the Intimacy nights work then you will have a model to carry on with in marriage. Good luck- Also google the Coolidge effect- it applies to all mammals including humans.

P.S. Pill is always bad for Libido.

**rcoreyus** · 03-15-2011 05:36 AM

Sadly this sounds depressingly familiar. My wife claims to enjoy sex, and seems to when we do, but there is always some reason not to have sex, and it gradually dwindled to less than once a month. I've spent 20 years trying to figure out what to do, and nothing has helped. (though for reasons I don't understand things have improved in the last few months).

I really think you need to sort this out before you get married. If you and she have very different ideas about what your sex lives should be like, then you will not be happy together.