I'm a sexually frustrated man and i need some advice please...!!!

**EagleChief** · 03-20-2011 08:30 PM

Okay, so my wife and i have been married for almost 13 yrs now. We have three wonderful daughters, she works two days a week and i'm a full time stay at home dad (retired). We're both in our early 30's and in decent shape.
Here's the problem. She can go weeks without sex; hello, i'm a guy and i can't. I feel like we always have to get into some sort of argument before we have sex. I take her out on date nights with no kids; i do the majority of the cooking in the house; i help out with the trash and laundry; i'm also Mr. fix-it around the house.
It seems like a never ending battle that i'm always having to fight and go though with her. I have bought and suggested buying toys, outfits, swings, lubes, the whole 9 yards. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? My out look is this, is it too much to ask for sex once or twice a week??? How many times is considered normal? Is my sex drive too high?
HELP, any advice welcome...
Thanks in advance.
EagleChief, out.

**kira** · 03-20-2011 09:29 PM

Guys always list all these things they are doing that they expect sex for and then are so confused they aren't getting much. I read off your list to my husband and his response was "what does any of that have to do with sex?" Laundry is not foreplay. It's expected and/or hopefully appreciated housework but not foreplay. In a busy lifestyle even just going out on a date can add stress instead of lessen it and stress kills sex drive. Have you tried just laying down to watch a movie together and holding her? Most arousing thing-laying there half asleep in my husband's arms. How about a massage? Talking? Laughing? Joking around? Comments of appreciation of various body parts followed by kissing those body parts. Foreplay. Not housework. Housework and fixing the plumbing is only sexy if the sex life is already there and the thought is already in her head. Otherwise she may be very grateful but it doesn't remind her of sex.

**ItsASecret** · 03-20-2011 09:54 PM

I have bought and suggested buying toys, outfits, swings, lubes, the whole 9 yards.

The other thing is what kind of sex does your wife like? If she is not into kinky and you come home with swings or cuffs that can actually turn her off. Same with outfits if she is not a role playing type woman. If she is into that stuff have you asked for her input into things she would like? And then go offer to buy those things so that it is an agreed upon so that she can feel at least a bit excited over choosing some maybe fantasy outfit she has always wanted? That sort of mutual thing.

But I do agree with Kira, laundry is not foreplay. It is not tit for tat. You do not sound like the type of guy who expects sex because you have done the laundry but a lot of guys think that way. Sometimes just cuddling on the couch watching a movie is the best way to start something as well, I know I would love for that type of interaction to happen more with my bf.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-20-2011 09:54 PM

Kira (and her husband) nailed it. Its AWESOME that you pull what appears to be way more than your weight... but that won't translate into making her a more sexual woman. Making her feel sexy however, can work wonders. First of all, how does she feel about herself? Is she down on her appearance lately? When a woman feels unnattractive, whether or not they should feel that way.. it can affect how much they want sex. If they feel they are less than your ideal partner... it can also effect drive to be with you. If you (not saying you do this) compliment hot tv stars, yet never say anything nice about the way she looks... that can be such a huge turn off.

Also if she knows you are seeking alternative visual stimulations, ie. having some huge porno collection, that can also be a 'well, he don't need me then' drive killer for a lot of women. Some women are like a microwave when it comes to sex and heat up in seconds and at the slightest push of a button.

Others are like crock pots that you have to set to a simmer and give it time through the day to work up to a steamy temperature... complimenting her appearance, flirting with her... reminding her she is the woman that puts a tingle in your pants are things that can definitly increase a woman's interest in sex.

So is sexually pleasing her... finding out what her special spots are and giving her pleasure... can up the odds she'll want it more frequently. Also giving physical affection frequently that DOESN'T lead to sex can actually create a more sexual vibe from her. A lot of times women get turned on from affection , but can turn down affectionate gestures when they think its always going to lead to you wanting sex.

So if you mix it up and give her a massage but don't push for more... or hold her and cuddle her and let her fall asleep in your arms... all those extra touches will fill her those feel good endorphines that can only help when it comes to her happiness, and therefore, sexual interests.

**demotivator** · 03-21-2011 03:15 AM

Oh, yeah, it is indeed the husband's fault. Let the husband work on the issue and the wife will be grateful. You need 2 people for a relationship and for sex and seduction too. Why is it that if a man comes to this board to ask for some help and insight women tell him 90% of the time that everything is practically his fault? Everything is 50-50 in a relationship, when will you ladies learn that already?

EagleChief: Tell your wife you have done your best, it is her time to try from now on. But it is important that you still do the things. Don't get lazy. And don't do them for sex. That's pathetic. Do them because you are the man of the family, you're suppose to do them.

Dear women, imagine there is absolutely no complement or reward at all from your SO. Even if you not just try but do your very best. Just a little fraking empathy. Man can feel neglected easily too. It is really hard when we try and try and try but everything we do is invisible. Besides, you cannot possibly expect that we should do all the work. Sometimes it's great when women want to seduce us. It's the biggest confirmation of our action. It tells us that we are right where we should be, we are doing a great job, being good partners.

**Caregirl** · 03-21-2011 05:48 AM

Not all women are comfortable being the seductress and initiating things. If he married her he must know if she has a dominant or submissive personality. If she's more submissive you cant expect him to tell her she needs to come to him wanting it as a reward for "doing a great job"... It's going back to Kira's Housework Foreplay... He's trying to impress her by being good around the house but how much attention is she getting while he's cooking/cleaning etc?

Maybe they should try sharing more of the chores around the house or doing them together as a couple, I hate housework and so does my bf but it can be kinda fun if you do it together with the person you love

**demotivator** · 03-21-2011 07:20 AM

And yet again, everything is the husband's fault. Congrats! Quick question, Caregirl. How do you seduce somebody when you know the answer will be negative?
Moreover, I've never said that the reward should be sex. Seducing (and also appreciaton) is a lot of things. For example:
"Let me do that for you!" - "That" means any simple non-sexual thing.
"How was your day?"
"Thank you!"
"How about I take you out for a change?"
"You are handsome/sweet/...."

Some of biggest turn-ons for almost every man. We are very simple creatures, we just want to be recognized and not taken for granted. Just like women.

**Tod121** · 03-21-2011 07:25 AM

Wow, strong differences of opinion\attitudes, as a man I fully understand the previous commennts and feelings expressed by the other guys here. I too have worked my socks off around the house and getting the kids to and from their friends house, etc whilst holding down a full time job and my wife is a house-wife, who has now become a bored-house wife, spending much of her time moaning about her "horrible life", while I run around trying to do as much as possible under the circumstances to save her from her chores and yes, in the hope that she is happier and more up for some, well, sex. Laundry isnt sex BUT the idea we have is to take the weight off her shoulders so she is more relaxed. She by the way has NO interest in going back to work but is bored at home. Before someone mentions it, yes I am fairly sure it is a self confidence problem with her. I agree, why is it down to us blokes to impress and help out BUT I do also see that if we want more sex we have to be nice in a more personable way and not in doing chores and not expect anything in return, if we get used to that idea (and take care of ourselves in the meantime, while we are waiting..

) women seem to come round and more likely to be more passionate. To put things into perspective, at the moment I still have to wait around 6-8 weeks for any fun and games in the bedroom but now trying hard to work on the new approach to see it helps, it would be great to have some fun every other week for example! At this moment in time she is grumpier than ever but, we'll see.

**Tod121** · 03-21-2011 07:29 AM

Also, if "going out on a date can be stressful" what on earth is relaxing? I would have thought getting out of the house and talking about other stuff was perfect?

**caster** · 03-21-2011 07:48 AM

Wow, I could have written Eagles post.
What's wrong with some of these replies is I've tried those things too. Laying with her and watching a movie, cuddling, massage, etc... turns out my wife is content with just that. So where's the sex come in ladies?
As a man that wants and desires sex I'm not playing games in hopes of getting lucky in 1 out of 10-20 games. It's supposed to be a marriage, not a game.

Eagles post is legit and his points are valid. Putting more pressure on him to do even more is redicules. Sounds like he's giving his all already.