girlfriend wont have sex anymore

**shikikanzero** · 03-21-2011 05:38 AM

hello, ive been reading posts on this forum but i think its time i need to ask this question myself..

me and my girlfriend has been going out for little more than a year and a half, we were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. we are both 19 and 20, almost 20 and 21. we first starting having sex about a month into the relationship and for the several months after that, its been great. it peaked at about 6 months into the relationship where we did it 3 times in one day. but from about 9 months ago it started to die down, up until about 8 months ago it completely disappeared. now in the last 8 months we had sex only 3 times, 2 times about 7 months ago and once about 4 months ago. i understand that as a relationship goes on the frequency of sex goes down but i feel that this is unacceptable. since then shes given me excuses, but none of them are good ones, especially because we used to have such a great sex life and now we dont. i would understand if we never did do it from the start but that isnt the case. kisses are always just pecks on the lips and never anything more. any advances on her are turned down. we used to shower together often, and since 2 months ago she stopped doing that. shes caught me reading other peoples posts regarding the same subject (this one specefically) and she kind of just brushed it off and hasnt even let it worry her. am i missing anything here? ill try to answer any more questions anyone has for me to help them figure out whats going on. please help! thanks!

**stressed** · 03-21-2011 07:55 AM

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Questions:

- Have you asked her about this situation?

- Was she happy with your sex life when you had it? (more if she did say so, than you assuming she was).

- Have you ever turned her down, or told her she's doing something wrong, or something negative, even if it was said with good intentions?

- Is it possible that she's wondering how sex would be like with another man? Being a virgin can put such thoughts in one's mind.

- What is her most common excuse?

- Has either of you brought up moving in/marriage?

**WildChild** · 03-21-2011 10:08 AM

Was she orgasmic when you had sex?
When the two of you were sexually active, what else did you share?
Often times even mature, sexually experienced people, get side tracked by a new sexual relationship and let the rest of the relationship wither. If you aren't building a foundation of shared interests and experiences it doesn't usually take long for the relationship to falter. When are first attracted to someone there is a flood of feel good hormones and we really do see through rose tinted glasses. That phase lasts typically 6 months to two years. When that chemical high fades is when you find out what you really have to work with. Flat out some people have low sex interest. If she has gone on the pill or some other chemical BC it may be killing her sex drive -some of them are very good at that.

Another thing that often happens is that you lose the whole art of arousal in the first flush of sexual attraction and excitement. Women in general need more time to reach a peak of arousal so they can be fully responsive sexually and too often a couple falls into a pattern of, kiss, kiss, go for the goodies. Over time the woman loses much of her ability to respond because she is never fully aroused and she comes to feel that SHE isn't cared about, that all her partner wants is sex.

A woman who is and stays responsive needs to learn to stay on simmer all the time, to keep it juicy, so she can come to a passionate boil quickly. Her partner is a critical factor in this. Women need non sexual touch to feel sensual and sexual. Women need to feel valued and cared about - so do men- but for women it is very directly tied to their sexual responses.

Let's take an example outside of sex. Suppose you really like to work on cars, its something you enjoy and your girlfriend's car needs work. You are happy to take care of a few things it needs and she is appreciative. How do you start to feel if every time you see her she asks you to fix something and she seems to start taking it for granted that you will just jump in and do it. it starts to seem like all she wants from you. What are you, her personal free mechanic or her lover/friend/partner? What if she shows up, hands you the keys, you fix whatever and she smiles sweetly, blows you a kiss and says I've got to run? How much longer are you going to feel good about working on HER car?

From a woman's perspective this is what many men do with sex in a relationship.

You are going to have to do some detective work. What do you think is going on? BC? Stress? Hidden anger? Feeling like your sexual mechanic? Poor communication? Low interest in sex? Or has the relationship run it's course?

Sit down in a non threatening environment and talk. Ask and listen to what she is thinking and feeling and share what you are thinking and feeling.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-21-2011 10:45 AM

Did she start a birth control pill? Any other medications? Any major new stress factors in her life? Could guilt be at play here? Does she have any negative feelings about sex outside of marriage?

Was she having orgasms when you were sexual with her? I ask because if you had to make dinner for her every night... but were never allowed to eat it -- at first it may make you happy to watch her enjoy the dinner you've made but eventually... you'd tire of going through all the trouble buying groceries and preparing and chopping when you never got to taste anything anyway.

Making sure to focus on her pleasure is key to ensuring her wanting to continue the experiences.

Also how does she feel about herself? How is her self-esteem? For a woman to want sex, they generally need to feel 'sexy' and when a woman gets down on her appearance or worth it can truly stifle her drive.

Have you guys had any fights have you done anything to hurt her feelings or make her feel unspecial to you? That can also create a sexless environment.

Does affection always lead to you attempting sex? If she kisses you for more than a peck do you always go in for more? If thats the case... she may have curbed her affections to try to stifle your inniciations... which can become a vicious circle since many women need affection to get 'heated'... but if they feel every time they are affectionate, sex will be expected it can turn them off giving affections that may lead to that position.

**oxy-moron** · 03-22-2011 03:39 AM

You have very luckily been given a glimpse of married life without being married.
Wild child has summed it up pretty well.
Part of the reason guys fail to carry on providing the non sexual touch is the Coolidge effect. Once a male of nearly any species has had sex he looses interest in that partner for a while. This ultimately causes him to change from Pepe le Pew into Wile Coyote.
He fails to provide the touch and affection he did at the start of the relationship.
Her Oxytocin levels drop - her Lymbic system thinks that is not being nurtured by a male and that it would be a bad time to mate. Sex dries up.
But wait there is more- You can get it back- It will take a while but if you provide lots of stroking -cuddles and massage you can get back in the good books.
Time your strokes for when she is feeling good about something.
Google Oxytocin and the Coolidge effect. Do some reading and testing of your own.
You will be amazed.

**rcoreyus** · 03-22-2011 02:38 PM

I've seen the "coolidge effect" mentioned many times here. I know it doesn't apply to me. The more frequently I have sex, the more interested I am in my partner and the more sex I want.

Also some people (men and women) just have very low sex drives. They may be unusually heightened at the beginning of a relationship - occasionally intentionally to "catch" a mate, but then return to their normal low level.

**oxy-moron** · 03-23-2011 12:01 AM

rcoreyus,

You sound like me- I never lost interest in sex - just lost interest in being as affectionate as I was in the beginning. Like I said earlier, I change from Pepe le Pew into Wile Coyote. I was still interested in my Road Runner but not amorous.
When I started to try to raise Oxytocin I thought it might change her. What I found is that it changed some of my behaviours as well. I started being more amorous- more likely to compliment- more relaxed- more likely to help her. Not to mention short periods of ultra happiness.
After orgasm with her I will go back to feeling a bit flat with her, but now I know what is happening and initiate behaviours that will boost oxytocin even if I dont feel like it. A couple of days later I am back on track.
Part of the problem with managing things now is that she has started initiating sex and has been more intense than ever before. I have also started to get more pleasure out of the massage then I had imagined I could. I am still testing but overall very happy. Give it a try.

**shikikanzero** · 04-11-2011 07:39 AM

- Have you asked her about this situation?

i have, but it always ends in her saying something like if i dont like it maybe i should find a new girlfriend

- Was she happy with your sex life when you had it? (more if she did say so, than you assuming she was).

she was, and she said so

- Have you ever turned her down, or told her she's doing something wrong, or something negative, even if it was said with good intentions?

never

- Is it possible that she's wondering how sex would be like with another man? Being a virgin can put such thoughts in one's mind.

this i actually highly doubt

- What is her most common excuse?

there isnt really a common one, ive only directly asked why she doesnt want to and they were all different excuses every time. usually it never even gets that far

- Has either of you brought up moving in/marriage?

she has, maybe not so much marriage yet but she wants to be engaged, but honestly i feel i cant even start thinking about that unless the relationship is perfect, if you know what i mean

like just today i tried mentioning it and she just went off on about how "shes sorry she cant please me down there, maybe if its that important to me i should find a new girlfriend"

**pretzel** · 04-11-2011 08:08 AM

I'll make an assumption here and ask about bc, there are a myriad of threads here concerning the side effects of this and is well worth the time to read them. It could easily put a different perspective on your concerns.

If that isn't a problem, then there are most certainly issues that need a resolution. One thing that seems to be at the forefront is differing expectations. It seems that she may have an internal struggle between sex and commitment. It sounds like she feels that it's time for the two of you to go the next step. Whether it's pressure from outside sources (i.e. family) or if it's just her own feeling, it sounds like the two of you getting engaged is expected to happen. No commitment = no sex.

Every successful relationship has a balance between the physical, emotional and sexual aspects. The physical aspects are pretty straightforward. Those are the things the two of you like to do together. Emotional aspects tend to get a little trickier, but it is in essessence those values, morals and feeling toward each other that you both share. The sexual aspects is the glue that binds the two together. It is at times purely physical, at times purely emotional but more often than not, it's both. Without this glue, the other two are separate but equal. You can survive but won't be complete.

**randomguy2011** · 04-11-2011 08:25 AM

Here's my guess and its just my guess based on what you have said. Things were new and exciting and you had sex alot. As things become more normal they get less exciting and i'm sure to some extent you've lost connection with her. JMO, don't bother thinking that a lack of her wanting to have sex has anything to do with how much she likes it. You were intimate a lot so clearly she enjoyed it. Here are a couple very general statements regarding men and women

1. Men have sex to establish connection
2. Women must have the connection to want sex

Here is another general statement about women.
Many women do not see the importance of a healthy sexual relationship like men do. My ex wife new we had no sex life and thought it was abnormal but really didn't have a problem. No drive for her so not having sex wasn't leaving any part of her unfulfilled. Our connection was gone and so went our sex life.

All things aside its a problem and will continue to be a problem in different circumstances if something that is bothering you isn't addressed together just because she doesn't agree its a problem. Sex, toliet paper on the wrong way or toothpaste cap left all. All different issues but if it bothers one partner it should be addressed and resolved together. Her going on about life like nothing has changed is not ok if you feel terrible about a situation. Good luck