Infrequent sex to keep things "special"

**Caregirl** · 03-28-2011 04:51 PM

Hey guys, I've been browsing the forums again for more advice but, while there's a lot about women who have higher sex drives that their SO, I can't quite find the answer I need....

Before I met the guy I'm with now I had two bfs, and I never felt comfortable with them physically, sexually or emotionally and neither relationship lasted long. I'm finally with a man who I feel comfortable and happy with and who I want to be with all the time, but he pulls away from me almost everytime I try to initiate sex. I confronted him about it once and he said it was because he was afraid of performing badly or cumming too fast and leaving me frustrated (and he knows this is the case because, as I mentioned in my other post, he hates to go down and can't continue after he's cum). I told him that I didnt have to orgasm everytime we make love for me to enjoy it, sometimes just the physical intimacy is what I really want. He seemed more relaxed after I said this and promised to stop pulling away out of fear.

I've been kinda timid about initiating recently, however, for fear of being rejected again, and have waited for him to come to me. But for several days he didn't initiate anything and when I asked him why his response was "I don't want to do it so often if stops being special" ... he compared it to occasionally eating Chinese or Pizza for dinner as a treat, but if you ate it every day you'd get sick of it.

Personally, I dont think I'd ever get sick of being intimate with him, and it always feels special, as he says, but it's SO frustrating having to curb my horniness when all I want to do is jump on him

I know he gets horny a lot too because he sends me sexts at work about things he wants to do to me, and I've even felt him get hard while we're just cuddling on the sofa, but nothing comes of it. I asked him straight out if he masturbates and he told me he doesn't unless it's together with me, and hasn't done so alone since we've been together.

So I just can't understand him. He tells me he loves me all the time and everything seems perfect when we're together... but I've gotten to the stage where I'm scared to have sex with him incase a) he didn't initiate it and therefore doesn't really want it, and b) it's not going to be "special" enough for him

I'm sure that if I just stopped initiating and waited for him to pick the "special" moment for sex he'd be happy, and I really want him to be happy... but I can't ignore my body when it's screaming for him!

I'm sorry for the long post and all the ranting, thanks for reading... maybe I just needed to vent lol

x

**AZ Guy** · 03-28-2011 05:44 PM

It sounds like he has some sexual insecurities for whatever reason. I'd try this - tell him that more you two "do it" the longer he'll last each time, and the more comfortable you'll get with each other's sexuality.

**stressed** · 03-28-2011 06:03 PM

How many partners has he had? Can he be intimidated by your ex'es or the sex life you had with them?

Sounds like he wants to but wants to make it "the best, ever" every time, for some reason or another (that has to do with him). You can keep telling him that sex doesn't have to be 'mind blowing' every time (telling him it 'is' mind blowing every time won't sound true to him, even if it is to you), you can spend more time cuddling without sex to boost his self-confidence and you could cut down on initiating for a while (not longer than 2 months though, as things have to have improved by then, otherwise you'll feel a lot worse about this and start blaming yourself).

He wants to but something stops him. He has to tell you what he's afraid of. A couple of guesses are he's afraid you'll leave him if he's not the best ever at sex, he doesn't want you to get bored, he's worried you don't always orgasm and he doesn't believe sex can be as good without one.

Just don't let this carry on for too long without solving it. There's a great risk he'll remain this way out of convenience.

**oxy-moron** · 03-28-2011 06:33 PM

Google Karezza,
The thing you have going on with your man would be perfect for Karezza.
Give it a try.

**kira** · 03-28-2011 06:40 PM

If your sex is always (not ever but always) no better than chinese take out and pizza you need to get more creative. :P Some days it may be a little plain because you don't always have the time or energy to make it amazing but overall sex is more like homemade lemon bars (now I have to go find that recipe) which I could eat everyday until I got too fat. Luckily sex does not make you fat.

**Caregirl** · 03-29-2011 02:31 AM

lol Kira :P Nah it's better than Chinese that was just an example xD

Thank you for commenting Stressed: he's had one other relationship which lasted 4 years. The stories he tells me of his ex are pretty horrible, she'd occasionally say "ugh, ok" to sex and if he took too long she'd push him off and say "ok, that's enough you're done" (after she'd cum ofc). She cheated on him twice and he let her back and she finally dumped him last Valentines Day (2010)

He was going to propose to her he tells me because he "thought" he loved her and thought she loved him, despite what a she was (his words lol). He now tells me he knows he didn't love her because it was nothing like what he feels with me.

He compares us a lot, I don't think he realises... He'll say "I love you so much; my ex would never have done/said that" etc. He knows that I have nothing but cold feelings and regrets with my exes, the first tried to force me into anal whilst trying another position and has forever left me terrified of being touched in that area... Bless him, my current bf slipped out and kinda 'missed' once by accident and I completely freaked out and pushed him off lol. So I don't think he's jealous of them or anything.

He does beg me never to leave him sometimes, usually when we're cuddling together before sleep or first thing when we wake up. I have no intentions to either but I sometimes wonder if he's just settling for me out of fear or being alone and he doesn't want me to leave like his ex did.

Thank you all for your comments so far, and I'll look up that Karezza, ty Oxy

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-29-2011 08:46 AM

He likes pizza does he?

Got any pepperoni?

**Caregirl** · 03-29-2011 02:31 PM

BBQ chicken lol xD

**WildChild** · 03-29-2011 02:36 PM

Personally I like feeling special everyday.

I can be pretty sarcastic and I do have to say he does sound "special" and just a little too precious of himself.

**Caregirl** · 03-29-2011 04:19 PM

I knew someone would say that WC lol <3

And I totally agree with you about wanting to feel special everyday, I just wish I could make him understand that I want it more regularly and yet know that it will still be 'special' every single time.

I'm normally a patient person but this is becoming extremely frustrating...